Kristen Lamb

Author, Blogger, Social Media Jedi

Kristen Lamb — Photo

Posts Categorized: Humor

So…Kristen locked all the blog doors. She even locked the blog’s ground floor windows. HOWEVER, she forgot that I am a rock climber! I just did a little dyno, a little manteling, and a little down-climbing, and I was in. And she thought I couldn’t do this on a road trip!

*evil cackle*

Anyway, once I was in, past the lasers and over the alligator traps, I promptly went downstairs and opened the door for Kim, who will be here next Friday…since we now have a new feature: GIRL FRIDAY (well until Kristen figures out how to truly evict us. Squatters are crafty 😉 ).

For now, we are basically Girl Friday to Kristen Lamb to assist in her plans for global domination and after all the Wednesdays hanging out here, we got comfy.

I don’t have a picture of Denny Basenji today because I am (technically) on vacation. Which means, as a self-employed writing instructor, editor, and writer, I LAUGH AT THE CONCEPT OF RELAXATION! Let’s examine how I have turned two weeks at the beach in North Carolina into…

THE HOLIDAY TRAV-L-PARK WRITER’S CONFERENCE

Don’t hate me because it’s beautiful.

No, really, this is work. It’s like any other conference. For example:

The Accommodations. Trailer homes or BYOC (bring your own camper)
Shuttle transportation. And just like shuttles, zippy and tippy, depending on the speed and driver (*shifty eyes*)

Just like any conference. There’s a bar and a pool where you can hang out and network because we all know that networking is what makes drinking and arguing over whether zombies could take out Klingons a “work-related activity” #businessexpense.

The bar. If you want wine, you have to go to the expensive side of the convenience store.
The pool. And just like every crowded hotel conference, not a shade umbrella to be had…

I don’t know about you, but I always imagine I’m going to have SOOOO much time to work and write after the day’s sessions are done. I pack all kinds of notebooks, books, etc. in anticipation of enormous bouts of productivity. Yet, I always seem to end up dragged (okay, so, it’s more like static cling) into shenanigans that teeter on the edge of legal. For example:

I built a sand castle instead of reading background material for a WIP. BUT this wasn’t just any old sand castle! I put extra fortification around the foundations so it was impervious to sapeurs! #nerdatthebeach #youshouldhaveseenmyneolithicsettlement

There were some good moments of inspiration and crafting breakthroughs.

For example, I discovered how to do a travel-size version of my “Serial Killer Wall of Plotting.” The citronella candle is to keep away the mosquitoes who insist on texting during the sessions.

I’ve also made good progress on my TBR pile.

Missing one book. The cabana boy (erm, my husband) took one of the books with him to the beach.

One of the most enjoyable parts of any conference, however, is always meeting the fellow attendees and making new friends.

Yes, there is an indoor shower, but why not shower under the sun, sky, and trees…especially when you get to converse with…
This little guy! (I was in the middle of a shower, so I couldn’t get an actual photo of him). He was perched on top of my shampoo bottle and made some rather pointed comments about how I need to use more conditioner. (“Tree Squirrel Frog” Photo by duggiehoo on DeviantArt)

I also ran into an old friend, which one tends to do at these events.

Miss North Carolina Blue-Tailed Skink and I go way, way back. It’s always nice to catch up with friends you wouldn’t see anywhere else but at a conference! (Photo: Wikipedia)

Don’t forget the SWAG!

And they say I don’t think of you…

Finally, like most conferences, there’s always an element of dress-up and costuming.

Personally, I am jazzed for any occasion that allows me to break out my parasol.

In all seriousness, despite the books and notes and that my brain never shuts up with story ideas, getting away and out of the HOUSE is actually essential for creativity. No, we may not crank out two thousand words a day like we planned the day we left for the con, but that’s cool.

We gain so much more.

Friendships, XP points, and a little R&R goes a long way. Sometimes writer’s block might just be code for “Take a vaca. Like, NOW.” That vaca might be a beach or, if you are Kristen, an extra hour at the grocery store wandering the aisles in search of new GF foods.

Take a drive, a walk, or watch a movie in an actual theater. GASP! I  know, movie tickets are expensive but you have my permission to sneak in your nibblies.

Thing is, a break is a break and we need to snag ’em where we find ’em!

Trust me. Your muse will thank you.

Next week, Kim Alexander will be back and actually share some useful insights about writing as opposed to this brief yet colorful order to CHILL THE HELL OUT.

RELAX.

And enjoy your weekend. It is an order *stern face*

Oh and while you are enjoying your weekend, give yourself an additional challenge. REST. To parlay off Kristen’s last post, Invoke the No, this is a great way to exercise that flabby or maybe even atrophied NO muscle.

Say NO to the gazillion tiny demands of others, chores you will do out of mindless habit or spineless obedience. Tasks and chores you won’t likely remember by the next week.

Meaningful NOs free up space for the YES to something fun.

Which is hard. I get it. Baby steps. Maybe you can meet Kristen at the grocery store. She finds it relaxing…whatever *rolls eyes*

In the end, when we refuse to relax and have fun and chain ourselves to the “busy”…this is what we look like.

Actual Footage of Writers Who Won’t Rest…

Anyway, it’s time for me to head out to the beach…erm…I mean, another conference session *waves*

Oh, and it looks like we’re in Medieval England…again…

I’m Kim Alexander back to talk about fantasy world-building. This time I’m looking at those writers who make every heroine in their stories a—wait for it—princess.

This is different from Chosen One Syndrome, because when it comes down to it, every protagonist is a chosen one; you’ve chosen to write about them. In this installment, I’ll be talking about working for a living. (More about Chosen One Syndrome in an upcoming blog post!)

When we create fantasy lands like, oh, “Gondfloria” (pop. 2 mill. unicorns), it’s easy to use the default: faux medieval Europe. If we have a bunch of forbidding, craggy, windswept mountains with impenetrable fortresses (I always feel like it should be ‘fortressi’ even though I know better) atop them, the next thing we’re gonna do is make our main character a princess. (Or a prince, I don’t know your life.)

I’m here to suggest to be brave and try something else. I’m not saying we have to make our enchanted land of Gondfloria into an Arctic survivalist encampment. But, we need to think a little bit outside the box…okay, dungeon, especially if the dungeon is full of Northern European royalty.

(Full disclosure: the main character of my novel, The Sand Prince, is – as the title suggests – a prince. But I hasten to add that he’s astonishingly bad at it.)

Sometimes it seems like every fantasy novel I pick up is crewed by the same group:

  • The sullen yet hot warrior who is certainly hiding a secret (it probably has to do with sex)
  • The sassy thief
  • The wise elder (also a thief, possibly retiring, clearly not going to make it to the sequel)
  • And of course our hero, the member of nobility who under the cover of darkness runs with a bad crowd because Daddy Issues.

Any of them may be masquerading as the opposite gender because it’s…daring. My money is on the sassy thief.

Don’t any of these people have jobs? And no, I’m not counting ‘thief’ as a job. You can’t put it on a resume unless you’re actually applying to be a thief.

Even if we’ve decided it’s written in stone that Gondfloria has forests and castles and bears, we can still explore the lives of people living there without falling back on ‘princess’ or ‘thief.’

Here are a few suggestions, on the house: bear wrangler, bee keeper, lute carver, magical bee keeper (the bees, not the person), cook, fixer for the local mob boss, mob boss, magical bee keeper (the person, not the bees – gods, keep up!), innkeeper, wench (if you have an inn, you’ve got to have a wench; I don’t make the rules), bard, dog boy, horse girl, and then way down at the bottom, thief, and finally, princess. You’re welcome.

Look, we want our story to stand out in the enormous ocean of similarly themed and titled books. We can do that by either taping a $20 bill to the inside cover of each and every one…or by making it unique.

I look forward to reading your take on a hot yet sullen magical bee keeper who lives in the misty woods of Gondfloira. Feel free to get on your magical sassy pants and sprinkle some flash fiction in the comments. Also any suggestion for other cool roles (characters) who’ve been forgotten, overlooked, or given little or no love. Maybe one not yet thought about?

Oooooh, extra XP points!

Unicorn trainers? Those suckers are magical so surely they could be house-trained right? Dude in charge of the “Pigeon Messaging Service” that later was forced into rebranding and a name change because PMS a really bad name for a business in communication (one not involving knives and chocolate). Use your imagination! ALSO!

Are you tired of ye same olde same olde? Losing that loving feeling for fantasy because, when it’s all the same, that is well, to be blunt, the OPPOSITE of fantasy?

Next time: The Chosen One, or, It is foretold that you and you alone will fix this coffee maker and save mornings for all of Gondfloria!

***

I love hearing from you!

For the month of September, for everyone who leaves a comment, I will put your name in a hat. If you comment and link back to my blog on your blog, you get your name in the hat twice. What do you win? The unvarnished truth from yours truly. I will pick a winner once a month and it will be a critique of the first 20 pages of your novel, or your query letter, or your synopsis (5 pages or less).

NEW CLASSES FOR SEPTEMBER AND MORE!

All classes come with a FREE recording!

We’ve added in classes on erotica/high heat romance, fantasy, how to write strong female characters and MORE! Classes with me, with USA Today Best-Selling Author Cait Reynolds, award-winning author and journalist Lisa-Hall Wilson, and Kim Alexander, former host of Sirius XM’s Book Radio. So click on a tile and sign up!

(If you are getting this via email, open the blog post to see all the options and sign up!)

Villains & Anti-Heroes: The Characters We Love and Hate. $45.00 USD. Tuesday, September 12, 2017. 7:00-9:00 p.m. EST. Click the image to register!
Hooked: Catching Readers in the First Five Pages. $40.00 USD. Thursday, September 14, 2017. 7:00-9:00 p.m. EST. Click the image to register!
How to Dominate Your Sex Scenes (No Safe Words Here). $45.00 USD. Wednesday, October 11, 2017. 7:00-9:00 p.m. EST. Click the image to register!
Painting With Words: Using Description and Sensory Details. $40.00 USD. Saturday, Monday, October 9, 2017. 7:00-7:00 p.m. EST. Click the image to register!
Social Media for Writers. $35.00 USD. Thursday, September 21, 2017. 7:00-9:00 p.m. EST. Click the image to register!
Blurb Writing Blows - But, It Doesn’t Have To. $45.00 USD. Friday, September 22, 2017. 7:00-9:00 p.m. EST. Click the image to register!
Turn Your Passion Into A Business: Making Money As A Writer. $40.00 USD. Monday, September 25, 2017. 7:00-9:00 p.m. EST. Click the image to register!
Guilty Pleasures: Writing Suspense, Thrillers, and Crime. Tuesday, September 26, 2017. 7:00-9:00 p.m. EST. Click the image to register!
When Your Name Alone Can Sell: Branding for Authors. $35.00 USD. Thursday, September 28, 2017. 7:00-9:00 p.m. EST. Click the image to register!
Outside the Box: How to Read More, Write Less, and Up Your Fiction Game. Friday, September 29, 2017. 7:00-9:00 p.m. EST. Click the image to register!
Peeling Away the Flaws: Self-Editing in Layers. $40.00 USD. Saturday, September 30, 2017, 2:00-4:00 p.m. EST. Click the image to register!
Bullies and Baddies - Understanding the Antagonist. $50.00 USD. Tuesday, October 3, 2017. 7:00-9:00 p.m. Click the image to register!

Like a good neighbor, Cajuns are there….. Hey, we have EXCELLENT friends.

That this has been a hell of a week is the mother of all understatements, especially for anyone impacted by Harvey. On my way home to Texas after keynoting for the Romance Writers of New Zealand, Hubby warned me of possible thunderstorms and a bumpy ride into Houston.

Still basking in the fuzzy glow from my trip of a lifetime, I was nonplussed. Meh. It was Texas and crazy weather just part of the deal, right?

I board in Rotorua and learn it’s no longer a mere line of thunderstorms. Now? An inbound tropical storm. Okay. Not ideal but I’m cool. I get to Aukland and now Hubby tells me it’s being upgraded to a Category One hurricane. *nervous laugh* Yeah but it’s a small one. I’m totally fine.

Then this. And YES THIS IS MY PLANE. *deep breaths* It will be okay.

I’m already prepared to endure the eight-hour layover in the International Airport Houston (IAH) even though I’m hurting and so sleep-deprived I’m bordering on passing out. Bad enough. But suddenly I’m praying to make it out before the hurricane hits which now has a name…Harvey.

Seriously? Computers need to be denied permission to name hurricanes if they can’t do better than this.

Writers could do WAY better. Hurricane Vlad. Hurricane Michael Myers. Hurricane Lizzy Borden. Anyway…

My luck with travel rarely is good so imagine my shock when I DO make it onto one of the last flights out. We were literally outrunning a storm band that was already spawning tornadoes.

View from my seat. And it was a LOT darker.

From what I can glean, the airport was shut down about ten minutes after my flight took off. Yay me! ….but no. I know it sounds odd, but once I got home and started seeing how bad things were getting, part of me was wishing I hadn’t made it out.

I wanted to help. Wanted to be there, only I was now hundreds of miles away and WHAT COULD I DO? But this brings me to why Texas will beat Harvey.

#1—We LOVE Texas Even Though She’s Bat$h*t Crazy

First of all it took a special kind of crazy to even settle this state to begin with. Droughts, wildfires, tornadoes, blue northers, hurricanes, and weather so wonky it seriously needs Xanax. Texas changes her mind about weather the way a woman changes her mind about what to wear to dinner.

Then cries and smacks you with a tornado if you forget to tell her she’s pretty.

It’s also HOT here. Crazy hot. As in Texas experienced its largest population explosion in history with advent of air conditioning. To me, that speaks volumes. We Texans take a lot of joy filming all the stuff you can fry on a sidewalk in summer.

Throw in poisonous snakes, deadly spiders, and fire ants and that sounds just like utopia right? Sigh. For us it is.

#2—Our Unofficial State Motto is “Hold My Beer and Watch This”

Just tell us we can’t do something. Bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha! Yeah. We have a long history of taking stupid dares, probably most accurately demonstrated at the Alamo. A hundred Texians gathered in a mission about the size of a Trader Joe’s were given a choice.

Leave, run for safety, or stay knowing the vast Mexican Army (1,500 strong) was on its way. If you’ve ever visited the Alamo, you’ve likely seen this painting of Tapley Holland who was the first to step across the line and volunteer to stay and fight. The line in the sand is a dare, which apparently Texans are biologically incapable of ignoring. In fact one could argue Texas itself would never have happened without a dare 😉 .

I hear the doom and gloom all over the media how we will never recover, how it will never be the same, how Harvey has somehow defeated us and all I can think is…

Hold my beer and watch this.

Yeah it will suck for a while, but keep it up. Just tell us Texans we CAN’T do something and, well, you might wanna stand back cuz while others are talking? We’re a bit busy, thank you, kindly.

Yes, we Texans are known for bravado, BS, bluster but not for sense. In a part of the world that can be this tough to live in, sense can get in the way. Anyone with sense would have endured one 115 degree summer complete with rattlesnakes and brown recluse spiders and moved somewhere else like…Napa.

#3—Psychological Preparedness From Country & Western Music 

Virtually all Texas children are inoculated early (often in the womb) with steady doses of Country and Western music, which means we know all about losing the job, the truck, the house, and the dog. We also know a bass boat and a reliable pickup cures most of what ails you (and in the case of Harvey, cures what ails others).

#4—Texans Never Lose Hope

We are a ridiculously optimistic bunch and we don’t throw in the towel even when times get hard and it seems it will never get better.

Any longtime fan of the Dallas Cowboys is proof of this.

#5—You Can’t Keep a Texan DOWN

When life gives you lemons, we Texans just add a shot of tequila and salt. We’ve been through so many disasters we’ve learned when you can’t choose your circumstances, you can choose your attitude. We know sometimes the best thing to do is to laugh.

Or even SING!

#6—Texans LOVE Getting Dirty & Making it BIGGER

Oddly these go together about as well as chips and salsa.

Whether it’s noodling (sticking your hand in a slimy hole in a lake to catch catfish), ATVing, or just plain sliding around in mud in monster trucks, it’s tough to keep a Texan clean any length of time.

Texas is the mutt you just gave a bath. Probably best not to bother.

Y’all might hear that everything is bigger in Texas and that’s because often it is. Show us a disaster and we’ll top that with Redneck ingenuity at its finest. We love the mud and love our lifted trucks even more. Sure some folks might think a Cadillac Escalade on GIANT tires is silly.

That is, until you need one 😉 .

Rednecks with Paychecks is a group of everyday guys with love for lift kits and a mojo for muddin’. Who better to rise to the challenge? These everyday heroes broadcasted the call and turned their lifted truck passion into a mission. Maybe the Texas National Guard can add a few of these fine vehicles to their own motor pool 😀 .

#7—Texans are Pathologically Helpful

We aren’t called “The Friendship State” for no reason. Our duty is to be a good friend because 1) it really is in our nature (possibly from beer and fully belly of amazing tacos) and 2) being a good friend can literally become a matter of life and death. We Texans often need friends, ourselves.

Looking at you Louisiana *blows kiss to Cajun Navy*.

Even before we were sure how bad Harvey was going to be, folks from all over Texas (and all over neighboring states) instantly gassed up and headed toward the storm to help. Social media and the news is filled with everyday people rescuing strangers with anything that could float or just power through high water. Boats, jet skis, canoes, TRACTORS, you name it.

Paddle board? It’ll do in a pinch!

We don’t care if you’re a stranger…or even you’re human. Come along!

We have a soft spot for our furry friends and Texans risked their lives time and time again to rescue dogs, cats, possums, bats, horses, livestock, and even…carp.

Saving a fish! Now how awesome is THAT?

#8—Texans Have Never Met a Stranger

I know many folks hear this and believe it’s more Texas BS…until they visit Texas or meet a Texan. Sure we shovel plenty of BS but not when it comes to our reputation for hospitality.

Before I left on my trip a fellow writer who I only know on-line gave me her number in case I got stranded in Houston where she lives. She gave me her number when I was on my way out, but a couple weeks ago, my greatest concern was some silly mechanical issue that might have me sleeping on my luggage.

NOT HARVEY.

Anyway, when I returned to the States and a hurricane, I knew I could call and she’d come get me. But since never in a billion years would I EVER let her risk her safety, I didn’t call.

But when I got home, I texted her immediately then got worried when she didn’t respond. I called and left message after message begging to get an update she was safe.

Only later in a FB IM did I find out I had the wrong number (had transposed the last two numbers). So what did I do after blowing up the phone of a complete stranger? Duh, the only “reasonable” thing!

 

#9—Texas Per Capita Has the Highest Number of Casserole Dishes

Okay I totally made up that statistic and normally I would worry about the backlash but according to some news sources Mississippi is no longer with us and has apparently been clandestinely annexed by Alabama while we were all distracted.

Well played, Alabama. Well played.

So if Mississippi was still part of the US I might have a fight on my hands regarding my casserole dish density statistic, but until they win independence from Alabama, I should be okay.

Why is the casserole dish so important? Well, natural disasters can be a lot like a funeral. A lot of people show at the moment of the heartbreak but when the real pain surfaces is often weeks, months or even years later. Sure we need rescues and the immediacy tended, but when the adrenalin wears off and the news has found some other story, it ain’t over.

There’s a lot to clean up, rebuild and people who will need a lot of love. When others might move on, Texans will still be here. We’re here for the long haul (Refer to Cowboys Fan reference).

#10 Texans Remember FOREVER

Elephants got nothing on a Texan. We remember everything. The Alamo, helloooo???? We remember the state flower (Bluebonnet), state bird (Mockingbird…ok, Mosquito), state nut (Pecan), state pepper (Jalapeño), state mammal small (Armadillo) and large (Longhorn), state insect (Monarch Butterfly), and state @$$hole (Fire Ant).

We remember everyone impacted in this storm, not just Houston. And we are here and not going anywhere until the job is done 😉 .

Granted, this post was to share some levity in a very dark time, but honestly we have so many folks to thank who are not Texans. Volunteers from EVERYWHERE, all over the US, all over the world, rushed to help and *bawls in Kleenex* and we will remember that and cherish your love and generosity.

It was a joy to see convoys from New York, Maine, Arkansas, Tennessee, Kentucky, Minnesota, and on and on rushing to do all they could for us in our time of need, even risking their lives. We are infinitely grateful that y’all could be the boats on the ground, so to speak.

For those who would like to help, human or critter, I’ve linked to a number of ways we can keep helping those in need, even the furry friends. It will take time to rebuild, but we’ve been honored to watch how such a tragic event could bring out and reveal so many everyday heroes and we love you!

Salvation Army Harvey Relief

Samaritan’s Purse Harvey Relief

Donate to the ASPCA for Animals Impacted by Harvey

Rednecks With Paychecks Relief Fund

I love hearing from you!

Do you have any stories to share? Heroes we don’t know about? Favorite stories? Places to donate with links?

When the world seems so full of doom and gloom, for me, it was such a JOY to see how Harvey brought out so much good. And yeah yeah, I know there was bad, always is, but the bad (in my POV) was dwarfed by the mind-boggling outpouring of love and compassion from ALL OVER. I’ve never been so proud of what people can do when they set their minds to it.

 

 

Kristen Lamb made the mistake of giving me admin privileges on her website.

So trusting.

So innocent.

So screwed.

La Revolucion

There’s a little more about me at caitreynolds.com – but, be aware that my website is under reconstruction because I got hacked by Bollywood porn spammers. Yeah. That’s the same face I made. However, I’ve posted my manifesto, and that should be a start!

 

****Just FYI, in an effort to combat spammers your comment won’t appear until I approve it, so don’t fret if it doesn’t appear right away.

Talk to me! And MAKE SURE to check out the classes below and sign up! Summer school! YAY!

And to prove it and show my love, for the month of JUNE, everyone who leaves a comment I will put your name in a hat. If you comment and link back to my blog on your blog, you get your name in the hat twice. What do you win? The unvarnished truth from yours truly.

I will pick a winner once a month and it will be a critique of the first 20 pages of your novel, or your query letter, or your synopsis (5 pages or less).

NEW CLASSES!

Obviously, I have my areas of expertise, but I’ve wanted for a long time to fill in some gaps on classes I could offer.

Cait Reynolds was my answer.

She is an unbelievable editor, mentor and teacher and a serious expert in these areas. She consults numerous very successful USA Today and NYTBS authors and I highly, highly recommend her classes.

OMG, Like How to Write Fleek YA July 7th $40 with Cait Reynolds

How to Dominate Your Sex Scenes (No Safe Words Here) July 14th $40 w/ Cait Reynolds

Gaskets and Gaiters: How to Create a Compelling Steampunk World July 21st $35 w/ Cait Reynolds 

Lasers & Dragons & Swords, Oh MY! World Building for Fantasy & Science Fiction 

July 28th w/ Cait Reynolds $35/ GOLD $75/ PLATINUM $125

Classes with MOI!

Plotting for Dummies July 13th $35 ($250 for GOLD)

Blogging for Authors July 20th $50 ($150 for GOLD)

Branding for Authors  July 7th $35

OTHER Classes with Cait Reynolds

Research for Historical Romance Writing – Or, How NOT to Lose Six Hours on Pinterest July 8th $35 for Basic/ $75 for GOLD / $125 for PLATINUM

Shift Your Shifter Romance into High Gear June 30th $35 Basic/ $75 GOLD/ $125 PLATINUM

Classes with Lisa Hall-Wilson

Growing An Organic Platform On Facebook June 24th $40

 

 

screen-shot-2016-10-26-at-11-08-20-am

Today’s post is a repeat because I am scrambling to get ready to fly to L.A. for the Writers’ Digest Conference, but I think this is a truly fun post that is perfect for Halloween and also get get you guys fired up for NaNoWriMo. Writers really are a strange breed and just so y’all know? The normal ship sailed without you a long time ago so relax. Your family or friends might not “get” you but we do.

I love being a writer. It’s a world like no other and it’s interesting how non-writers are simultaneously fascinated and terrified of us. While on the surface, people seem to think that what we do is easy, deep down? There is a part that knows they’re wrong. That being a writer, a good writer, is a very dark place most fear to tread.

In fact, I think somewhere at the BAU, there’s a caveat somewhere. If you think you profiled a serial killer, double check to make sure you didn’t just find an author.

Hint: Check for empty Starbuck’s cups.

Writers, if you are NOT on a government watch list? You’re doing it wrong.

Seriously. I once spent an entire afternoon googling Fort Worth hotels to find the right one with a balcony to toss someone off of. I was like the Goldilocks of murder.

Nope doesn’t face a street.

Not high enough to be fatal.

Don’t want them landing in a pool.

Apparently “normal” people do not do this, which is why being normal is totally boring and for losers.

So before friends and family turn you into the FBI, here is a handy list of ways we writers are often mistaken for serial killers.

#1 Serial Killers Writers Need Alone Time

Generally, dealing with the public is only for a purpose (like making others think we are normal). To truly recharge and immerse in the art of what we do, we need to pull back and simply “get away.” Many writers can be found in basements, dark corners of libraries or lurking behind a desk surrounded with bear traps.

#2 Serial Killers Writers Often Hold Down a “Normal” Job

Many writers are also teachers, engineers (or likely married to an engineer—What is WITH that?), lawyers, doctors, or even librarians. We are friendly, polite and on-time and hold down gainful employment. This is what makes writers SO terrifying. You probably work with one.

You might even be married to one.

#3 Serial Killers Writers Can Look Just like YOU

When our book comes out, neighbors will say, “But she seemed so nice and normal. Really polite. Always thought something was off, but writing? Really? Who can ever know these things.”

#4 Serial Killers Writers Understand Law Enforcement

And probably dated it 😀 ….until they married an engineer.

When planning any murder or series of murders, we have to know our enemy. The cops. What are ways we can confuse them? Can we kill in multiple jurisdictions knowing the law agencies will never properly communicate and thus we can kill as many people as our plot requires? Can we run the police down a rabbit hole of distraction?

Can we evade them altogether? Get rid of ALL the evidence?

Image via Creepy Freaky House of horror (Facebook)
Image via Creepy Freaky House of horror (Facebook)

#5 Serial Killers Writers Use Terms Like T.O.D.

Throw T.O.D. around a writers’ group and no problemo. But using this term at Thanksgiving with the family? Meh. We writers know the best time of year to kill and dump the body and which season a shallow grave is an acceptable option. No writer ever sees just a freezer. Or just a car trunk. 

Trust me, we are thinking how many people we can fit in that sucker and if we’ll have to saw apart the body first.

#6 Serial Killers Writers Hear Voices That Tell Them Who to Kill

And often talk to those voices. We might be driving to Costco when the Voice visits and tells us that we really shouldn’t kill that asshat who stood us up for prom. No, the slutty cheerleader he dumped us for is a way better choice. Then, so enraptured with talking to the Voice, we find we missed the last fifty exits and have to hope there’s a Costco in the neighboring state.

#7 Serial Killers Writers Choose Victims Carefully

Generally our victims will include anyone who picked on us in high school or ever broke up with us via Facebook or text message. Victims can also include anyone who ever worked in HR or customer service for AT&T.

#8 Serial Killers Writers Plan Their Kills Methodically

Sure you might get the fantasy or sci-fi author who just exterminates an entire race, but for the rest of us? No, we thought those kills out. We can’t just kill anyone lest we be left with a pacing and plot problem.

Duh.

#9 Serial Killers Writers Have a Timeline for Their Kills

Sure the body count will rise, but during revisions? We just go back and spend quality time with the souvenirs we took off our victims. We might even take breaks between books because we can’t murder characters without a plan. Helloooo?

#10 Serial Killers Writers are Narcissists 

Seriously, we have to be. Who else can write hundreds of thousands of words just knowing the world will love every bit of what you put down? And PAY MONEY to consume it? Narcissists have a God-complex but unlike serial killers who pretend to be God?

We writers actually ARE.

#11 Serial Killers Writers Take People Apart

We crawl in your head, but don’t get too freaked out. We crawl in everyone’s head. We think like you. We become you. 

Screen Shot 2016-03-21 at 7.00.56 AM
Image via Creepy Freaky House of Horror (Facebook)

What???? Don’t judge me. You do this too! 😛

Okay so when ACTORS do this it is OKAY but a writer does this and it’s creepy? We need to know how people think, what makes them tick, what sets them off. What are the right pain points and speaking of pain…

#12 Serial Killers Writers Are Also Sadists

Excellent fiction is the path of greatest resistance which means good writers are all about exacting pain. Doling it out bit by bit. Upping the heat and making that victim and all who love him squirm, then panic, then question the very meaning of their existence. We push our victims until just before that spark of hope in their eyes extinguishes completely.

And then we give them a bone and rescue them so there. We aren’t completely heartless. Sheesh, these people are imaginary. Why so freaked out?

#13 Serial Killers Writers Struggle with Addiction/Compulsion

Drugs and alcohol? Maybe. Books and cute bookmarks we never use because we lost them and so have to use the receipt from purchasing the freaking bookmark as a bookmark? Definitely. Female serial killers writers can often be spotted wandering around a craft store talking to the yarn. Males? Computer stores.

Angels and Devils

Yeah yeah writers could be mistaken for serial killers but in the end, everything we do is for the ultimate good. We actually have to write in mistakes lest our villain remain free and that is bad fiction.

Speaking of which, have you ever created a villain so good you had to go BACK and write in some oopses? Like, “Wow, this guy’s good. Nope, they’d never catch him. Ah sh#!.”

Okay so some of you by now are either laughing and nodding…or you’re dialing an FBI hotline ready to link them to my blog. Fine, when they haul me away in cuffs, trust me I am taking notes so when I write a similar scene? I know how cuffs FEEL.

So there 😛 .

What are your thoughts? Have you ever had strangers overhear you talking about how to kill someone and you had to stop and say, “It’s okay. I’m a writer.” Do you love Discovery ID just a bit more than is probably healthy? Do you freak out friends and family because autopsies make you giddy? Are you more than a little weirded out that we all seemed to marry engineers?

I LOVE hearing from you!

To prove it and show my love, for the month of OCTOBER, everyone who leaves a comment I will put your name in a hat. If you comment and link back to my blog on your blog, you get your name in the hat twice. What do you win? The unvarnished truth from yours truly. I will pick a winner once a month and it will be a critique of the first 20 pages of your novel.

For those who need help building a platform and keeping it SIMPLE, pick up a copy of my latest social media/branding book Rise of the Machines—Human Authors in a Digital World on AMAZON, iBooks, or Nook