I agree that a lot has changed. This is a 2016 post and though we were experiencing some social erosion, it certainly wasn’t to the extent of today. And, with the explosion of surveillance capitalism and smart algorithms, social media has become a monster. Why? Because we allowed that to happen. Social media can be fabulous or a nightmare. Much is still up to the individual. We have to be better than the technology.

Sadly, a lot of folks slide into complacency and what’s easiest. They become all take and no give. Authentic relationships (friendships) require work, humility, giving up always being “RIGHT”, and treating people with respect and kindness. Though the digital revolution has done a lot of good, it’s also played a major role in dehumanizing other people.

I did my best to write a book on how we HUMANS could use the digital revolution for better (Rise of the Machines). I knew the on-line genie was out of the bottle, that this new mode of forging connections would require us to actively build relationships with time, effort, humility and sacrifice. Yet, what I teach is a far more difficult way to engage.

There is no instant payoff, but my methods have always been about the long game. This is a tough sell in an age of “instant.”

Long way around, “Yep, totally agree.” But at the same time, if folks don’t know HOW social platforms curate their stream, then they are more likely to take offense when it’s actually their own fault their feed is what it is. Algorithms are simply scanning behavior and giving us what “we want” based off behavior. If we never take the time to look up that college friend and hit “LIKE” on a bunch of her posts, then FB will assume we are not interested and keep filling the feed with content that we react to. This is even more a factor when your numbers start hitting triple digits and larger.

I’m almost always maxed out at 5K friends on FB. There is no way FB could give me a feed from 5K people without it being a mess. Yet, if I understand HOW my feed is created, I’m less likely to take things personally.

Thanks for the thoughtful comment!

I agree with Jeremy. I understand how the algorithms work since I have to deal with them in my marketing profession. They can’t be blamed for why people choose to be basically “inbound” only with their friendships. There are people I have been friends with on multiple platforms, places where Facebook’s algorithms don’t have any impact. Some people, especially nowadays, like to treat their friends like followers. They want people to pay attention to them, and genuinely have very little to offer in return. Everyone wants to be the next “viral” post, the one with the most likes, the one adored the most. The one with the wittiest comment. Social media has obscured what it means to be a true friend, in many ways. I’ve watched people who I developed real life, pre-internet friendships with (yes, I am that old :). They changed once online communication became a thing. And as time has gone on, the nature of online interactions has become less robust, more one-sided. I’ve watched people move from caring about their friends, to only caring about themselves, because that is how many choose to use social platforms, as one way mirrors. It has created a false sense of celebrity where real friendships don’t have much reciprocity (unless they can post about it, and it go viral).

Jeremy, I am afraid you fail to understand algorithms. Especially as our numbers grow larger—which will be the case if an author is building a platform—there are many people who simply won’t SEE our content. Most regular folks don’t understand that if they don’t like, share, or comment, that your content won’t appear in their feed. So basically, we are punishing people for something personal that really never is.

As an example, I posted a picture of my nephews at camp. Many family members saw the picture but one of my aunts didn’t. She wrote to me distraught that I’d unfriended her because everyone saw the picture but her. I had to explain to her that she needed to go directly to my feed and deliberately like, comment or share or Facebook would assume she was not interested in what I posted and, therefore, would never SEE it.

We have no way to really know if a person is interested or not interested. There is only so much the algorithms will slot into a daily feed. Then there might be people who’ve been off Facebook for some time due to illness, family emergency, or some other reason. Thinning numbers arbitrarily is, of course, your prerogative. But, very often, if others aren’t liking or sharing or engaging it probably has far more to do with the fact that they are not SEEING the content.

There could be any share or turn of events that changes this, however. And someone who could have been an AVID fan, we culled away because we took something personal that had far more to do with impersonal computer sorting than any human disinterest.

I disagree with this article entirely. This is devaluing friendship. I do not hesitate to unfriend those who never interact with me. A friendship is not an acquaintance or stranger. Why should I have uninterested people seeing what goes on in my life? The concept seems to be, dont unfriend people because they have feelings? The same people who do not show interest in you? Lol…no..choose yourself over social numbers each and every day. You are worth more than a tally on someones friend list…and your life events are worth more than the casual uninterested observer.

This post is a few years old, not sure if this comment will be seen, but found it in a general search and wanted to share my opinion.
I think the important question here is what’s the context behind unfriending someone?
If unfriending because one is being unneccesarily offended by something and just wants to get back at the unfriended person, perhaps that’s just ridiculous. However, what are other reasons to let some people go?
Well I personally find it odd to have people just sit on my “friends” list that I never have a single interaction with ever. To me it’s like going to someone’s house to just sit there for a week and ignore them. In life outside social media that would be pretty awkward, especially doing that with a stranger!
Some people you just won’t have a connection with, and that’s fine, but then why be on each other’s list when there’s just no interest on either side?
Not having a connection with someone is also not the same as deeming them as worthless. Just because you walk by many different people on the street whom you probably would never see again or even try to see again, doesn’t mean anyone is worthless, there’s just no connection. And frankly being friends with every person on the planet would be extremely exhausting, it’s just not going to happen. Why wouldn’t it be similar on social media as in life outside social media? I’ve never regretted unfriending people on fb because if we just don’t connect to each other in such a way then we just don’t connect in such a way. No one is worthless, it’s just not right and it’s just not there between us. There’s nothing wrong with disconnecting from people on fb in this sense. Also, let’s think about what connecting is. Ok, we can “connect” in the sense that we have “access” to each other, but are we actually CONNECTING to each other. Person to person, interaction to interaction, heart to heart. Is there any interest in each other at all? I don’t find it necessary to hold on to 2,000 friends when maybe only 50 of them are actual friends. Fb can also blow up with so much stuff in your feed that you can also lose track of the very real friends that you do have on fb by posts of other people that you just don’t have that real connection with.
Just depends on the context and situation.

Hi Shawn~ I agree. If I post something from a good place in my heart and a “Friend” is the first to smash it and bring my head down I really don’t want that kind of energy. Personally because I do not understand the context they are coming from.

When you unfriend you permanently remove that person from your list of friends. If you unfollow, you stay friends but the algorithm is adjusted so you no longer see what they post in your feed. It can help keep stress levels down with certain people for sure.