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Twas the Night Before Valentine’s…

Valentine's Day, Kristen Lamb, humor Valentine's Day, humor, poetry, Twas the Night Before Valentines, single on Valentine's Day

Ah Valentine’s Day. I figure we’ve had enough seriousness, so today we’ll have some light fun, sponsored by my flu med hallucinations (the purple hippos dared me). Anyway, almost eleven years ago, I was *heavy sigh* still single, and it was right at Valentine’s, of course. I was seriously feeling like chopped liver because dateless…again.

****I kid you NOT. My family called me The Runaway Bride and had all wagered I would be single indefinitely. Thanks, family. Thanks. Putting you in a novel for that *raises glass*.

Anyway, like many writers, I sat down and scribbled out this fun little poem to give myself (and other singles) a good laugh (or deal with anger issues in a way not requiring bail money…whatever).

I hope it makes all of you smile. Hey, pass on the love to some single pals while you’re at it 😀 .

So without further ado…

Twas the Night Before Valentine’s…by Kristen Lamb

Twas the night before Valentine’s, and all through the land

The poor single people were wringing their hands.

Handcuffs were hung by the nighties with care

Near the lotions and chocolates and lace underwear.

A day made by Hallmark to sell lots of stuff

Pushing candies and kittens and kisses and fluff.

A day that makes ‘Single’ a social disease

Like bubonic or typhoid or chiggers or fleas.

And that fat baby Cupid must be on the take

Paid in buckets of cash and red velvet cake.

Love songs are played on every damn station

As ‘mush’ takes over the entire nation.

Now not that we’re jaded, us single-type folk.

We’ve tried Facebook and Match, and Equally-Yolked.

We’ve tried parks and clubs and churches and bars

And a handful resorted to wishing on stars.

Like most other people, we want company

Without drama or fighting or disharmony.

No Jerry Springer or Kardashian drama.

Who has the time for all of that trauma?

Maybe we’re picky, world-weary, or fussy

Because we won’t date any Joe Schmo or hussy.

We want someone good-looking, gentle and sweet.

Hey, just cuz we’re single doesn’t make us minced meat.

We do not begrudge the romance of others

The passion of courtship, the heat between lovers.

Before you judge my singular state

Think back to the days when YOU had to date.

But tomorrow we’ll stand in the grocery store line

Watching the boyfriend who’s run out of time

With a ‘Get-Well’ bouquet cuz he waited too late

To find the red roses to gift to his mate.

Hallmark has trained you to scurry and dash

Into its stores with fistfuls of cash.

For stuffed little critters with a lap full of love

And boxes of chocolate morsels from Dove.

We Singles won’t stand hours waiting to dine

On elf food with garnish and overpriced wine.

No chocolates with abnormal tropical middles

Or angst about thighs that may wiggle and jiggle.

No staying in bars desperately late

Trying to connect with a last-minute date.

So embrace your status and shout it out loud.

Yes, I am single! Single and Proud!

So all you single commenters out there, at least you know I love you. Enjoy being single. And, yes, if any of you want to repost this as a blog, you are welcome to share the tragic fun (but give me credit). When school children are studying great 21st century literature and are assigned to write essays about MY poem? I want the credit for this literary genius :D.

 

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  1. Hey, great!

    (Ahh…a bit worried about those handcuffs…)

    1. If you are single long enough you get resourceful 😉 . I nabbed Hubby by perfecting Stockholm’s.

      1. Of course, the BEST day of the year is February 15th when all that chocolate goes on sale!

        That deserves a poem in my opinion.

        1. Write one here in the comments. I give BONUS points for creativity. Maybe a class 😉 .

          1. Let’s see what I can think of off the cuff here…ahem…

            The Day After Valentines

            Some ladies miss their Valentines treats
            they will whine and whimper and wail,
            I’m happy my husband skips Valentines Day
            ’cause he gets my candy on sale!

            The day after Valentines goodies are bought
            but he only spends half of our cash
            How can I not love a man saving our dough
            and filling my choc-o-late stash!

            Bon-bons and fudges and caramels too
            in all kinds of fancy type boxes
            with buttercreams lined up in neat little rows
            his gifts knock off both of my sockses!

            Don’t pout when your sweetheart forgets to get gifts
            of choc-o-late candies galore
            Tell him he can make up his faux pas tomorrow
            His guilt will help clean out the store!

          2. I didn’t forget you. Got hammered with the flu right after posting this. Sending you something special in your email to reward you for creativity and bravery 😀 . Thanks for this! It’s awesome!

          3. You’re welcome! So glad you enjoyed it! 🙂

  2. Ah, you have made my afternoon. Thanks, Kristen!

  3. Ha! I remember these days!

    If I wasn’t a romance writer, I’d say some days I even miss them 😉

    • Mandy Oaks on February 13, 2018 at 12:40 pm
    • Reply

    Hilarious!! Takes me back to the days of chatrooms and anynomous IMs, driving for hours just to meet crazy redefined. 🙂

  4. I do love your prose
    (even though it’s not subtle)
    but I’d like to offer
    a poetic rebuttal! 😉

    Singles, Don’t Envy
    (an off the cuff rendition)
    by Beth Brubaker

    I’m not a single but married for years
    Your single woes haven’t been heard by deaf ears
    But please don’t envy us- I will be blunt
    At least YOU can do anything that you want!

    No husband to poke you with icy cold feet
    No kids that will wake you when you want to sleep
    You can go out with friends on a whim with no plans
    your snacks are your own and not yanked from your hands!

    Don’t envy us marrieds- you’ll be with us soon
    Until then enjoy all the singleness boons
    Like parties and friendships and gathering knowledge
    ‘Cause you’ll do none of that till your kids leave their college!

    1. LOVE! Thanks! And yeah married too so *fist bump*

      1. Thank YOU Kristen! Want to know something funny? I just bought your hard copy of Rise of the Machines, and this morning I was looking through my kindle library…where I apparently have ANOTHER copy of this same book. *swats forehead* Just wanted to let you know it interested me enough to buy it TWICE! 🙂

        1. I so love you *sniffs*

  5. Great poem! I loved it!

  6. Totally loved this. I have been married 34 years, but know some young ladies who feel this way. Thanks for the smile today.

  7. Thank you, Kristen. This is a nice break from the forced affection of the hallmark holiday.

    • Gaylene Atkins on February 13, 2018 at 2:16 pm
    • Reply

    LOVE IT Kristen!!! You nailed it; and the power of marketing for Hallmark – well they nailed it a long time ago! It’s VDay already in NZ. Not a rose or a chocolate anywhere in-sight here; oh yeah, I got married a long long time ago…not been single for about 43 years. But as a romance writer I’ve watched the angst and general nonsense that goes on for many. The florists make a killing today; but they’re no doubt stressed to the max doing it! I say to all the single souls out there – enjoy your single status it’s part of life. Get on with it and have a happy day. No-one said you couldn’t buy yourself a nice bunch of flowers or those favourite chocolate delights; so go on treat yourself on VDay! Make a fuss and show yourself some love and thoughtfulness!

  8. I really enjoyed your Valentine poem; great stuff!
    My then ‘husband-to-be’ sent me a card on the 14th February (1953), which read:”What are you doing tomorrow, then?” (I still have it…)
    We were married one snowy 15th February, 65 years ago (yep really!) We’re both 40 mentally…have three, gorgeous, sons and still love each other!

    • Ed Gregory on February 13, 2018 at 4:38 pm
    • Reply

    Thanks for the shopping list. I’ve got most everything covered, but where do I go to find “chocolates with abnormal tropical middles”?

  9. I love reading your stuff. It slays me. The poem is so spot on, even to this old married lady (44th anniversary this year). The holiday has turned into such a contrived societal event that exudes ridiculous amounts of pressure on individuals, maybe we should all boycott it. If you truly care for someone, you show your affection for them all year long — not because an industry shames you into it. (And I write romance, too.)

  10. Ha! My dearly beloved and I eschew St Valentine’s Day and instead celebrate St Cyril’s Day – which happens to be the same day – by giving each other alphabets – because St Cyril is credited with inventing Cyrillic, even though he probably didn’t. (Pro tip: marry someone as weird as you are.)
    When you think about it, dating is about the least practical way to find a suitable spouse short of setting out into the street blindfolded and brandishing a wedding ring.
    The whole idea is weird: you’re trying to get to know someone, but you’re already in a romantic setting with them; and since it’s just the two of you, they have only one person to fool into thinking they’re the kind of person they aren’t. Mad.
    You want to find out what someone’s really like, don’t go out for a nice dinner: see what they’re like under the pressures of everyday life (when they can’t focus on image-management).

  11. Love it! Sharing it! Thanks!

  12. Love the poem! It’s awesome!

  13. LOL, very amusing.

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