Meltdowns, frequently referred to as “autistic meltdowns” actually happen all along the ND (neurodivergent) spectrum, meaning ADD and ADHD people are certainly not immune. And, if you read my last post Neurodivergent Authors: Not Lazy or “Broken,” I expressed my fairly educated hypothesis/concern that many creative professionals likely fall somewhere along the ASD spectrum.

What does this mean?

Probably a lot of folks who read this blog have spent years attributing their irritability, stress, and possibly even full on implosions/tantrums solely to being introverts, unaware there are other neurological factors in play.

Factors, that, for the record, are completely manageable once we become aware of them.

For years, I had people around me accuse me of having an anger problem. While there were certainly times in my life this might have been applicable (I AM human), it didn’t always apply.

I’d be fine, fine, fine, less fine, not fine, red-lining then BOOM!

Often it might begin as generalized anxiety/irritability then would shift into me getting curt and (seemingly out of nowhere) BOOM! Crying, hysterical, threatening to live in my blanket fort forever and ever and everyone sucked eggs and needed to leave me alone lest I leap off a water tower.

What? I’m a writer. We can be dramatic. And they ARE called “meltdowns” not “fluffy kitten pillow-downs.”

***Though NOT ALL ND people have the same KIND of meltdowns. Hubby is autistic and he just shuts down. Seriously. Ctrl Alt Delete doesn’t even work. He says nothing, does nothing and just goes into a mental cave that even DYNAMITE doesn’t work on.

Understand Introversion vs. Extroversion

Before we go any further, I would like to clarify a point because I see this misused all the time and it makes my left eye twitch. Social anxiety is NOT the same as introversion.

The ONLY difference between an introvert and an extrovert is how/where you gain/lose energy.

PERIOD.

If you need to be around people to charge your emotional batteries and being alone too much drains you? Then you are an extrovert. And likely an author who really LOVES writing in bustling coffee shops #KillMeNow.

Conversely, if you require alone time to recharge and being around people drains you, then you are an introvert. Whenever I speak at a conference I am probably one of the most high-energy speakers you’ll ever see present. I love people, enjoy getting and remembering everyone’s names, want to hear all about your life, hopes, dreams, stories, setbacks, and brownie recipes.

YET…

Whenever I get home, I have to slip into something more comfortable…like a COMA.

There are people with severe social anxiety who love to hang out in mosh pits or stand with a drink in a crowd of five hundred people listening to live music.

And, as I just mentioned, there are people like me who never met a stranger and could talk the ear off a brass monkey…but we NEED downtime lest we crash.

Most people (who are not locked up in an institution) are actually ambiverts. It is pretty rare to have a pure extrovert or introvert.

For more on this, go to: Myth-Busting—The Real Difference Between Introverts & Extroverts & Meet the Ambivert

Meltdowns & Are You REALLY an Introvert?

Again, most people will be some mixture of introvert and extrovert. The far ends of the bell curve usually cannot function in society. This said, if you go back to my last post I talked about autism.

To reiterate, “If you have met one autistic person, you have met ONE autistic person.”

To grossly oversimplify autism, it is a sensory processing disorder. For me, the world is brighter, louder, itchier, yuckier and far more chaotic than it is for “normal” people (a.k.a. Neurotypical or NT). NT people don’t have a fit wearing a headband, or go bananas because there…is….a…tag on their shirt…that…KILL IT WITH FIRE!

The sheer levels of energy it takes for us ND people to “appear” normal could power a small city. This is why, to a degree, I am all for CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy). I “get” that the world cannot always accommodate me and I have to learn some workarounds and to TRY to fit in the best I can.

That said? The rest of the world can learn some compassion, too.

Hey, we did it with left-handed people! Just give them a special notebook instead of beating them with rulers and telling them they were demon spawn.

Evolve.

Where was I?

Yes, the world is a very over-stimulating place for ND people. Meaning, we “might” be extroverts and it is just the fluorescent lights, the traffic noise, the constant binging on the phones, the noises on the computers, the AC going on and off and on and off and WHAT IS WITH THAT GUY WITH THE LEAF BLOWER?

So, just a thought. You might be an introvert, might not. Doesn’t really matter after you read all of this anyway.

Meltdowns: What is Going ON?

Back when I struggled with what I didn’t know at the time were autistic meltdowns, I was VERY bad about being self-aware of a) how stimulated/overstimulated I was b) how tired/overworked I was and c) that I needed to do better pre-planning.

When I found out about autistic meltdowns, I also uncovered The Spoon Theory.

Anyone who’s followed me any length of time knows that I am a giver. I LOVE to give. I’ll take a call, run an errand, help a friend, teach a class, crochet for the needy. You name it? SIGN…ME…UP.

Or not.

This could just be me (and I also can blame the ADHD and OCD) but I tend to have terrible self-awareness. Why? Because I am paying SO MUCH ATTENTION to the world around me.

Social cues? What are those?

I have to put so much energy into reading the room and “fitting in” that all my energy can end up directed outwards.

Y’all have NO IDEA how many sticky notes are fluttering inside my head.

Kristen, let other people talk.

Take turns…wait for it….wait for it….

LISTEN to what they are saying to you.

Where is that leaf blower noise coming from?

Don’t say the thing everyone probably thinking but will get you in trouble (again).

Is that joke appropriate, or a good way to get a visit from HR?

Why did I HAVE to wear HAIR CLIPS? I can feel my BRAIN.

Use your hands to gesture so you don’t look like a robot.

BACK UP! ABORT! Too much hands! ABORT!

Her outfit is nice but not nearly as nice as the one she wore three weeks ago. It was blue and I normally don’t like blue….

Kristen, let them leave. Make friends don’t take hostages.

What was the topic? FOCUS.

Don’t be weird. Don’t be weird. Don—DANG IT! You HAD to talk about the Black Plague, didn’t you?

Maybe no one here can relate, but you can write characters who DO.

Only So Many Fu-Spoons to Give

Moving on…

Though obviously I recommend the link above, The Spoon Theory applies to anyone who is dealing with chronic pain, a chronic illness, dealing with grief/loss, or who might have sensory issues like those of us in the Special Unique Snowflake Fruit Salad that is ASD.

To give you the gist, we only have so many spoons of energy and it is wise for us to a) plan how to use them b) be aware when we are using them and c) take time to get away to refill them.

For instance, I can be accused of a lot of things, but lazy is not one of those things. When I took a good look at my Things To Do List? Let’s just say it or I was just a little bit…insane.

Since I have worked from home for over 20 years, I had (and still have) zero idea what might be “normal,” let’s just say “normal” not my wheelhouse.

Those who know me will tell you I can be mostly dead and will push through anyway (frequently to the detriment of my health). At least this was the case until recently.

Before I realized what a flaming idiot how foolish I was being, I felt I just needed more willpower. I had no concept that not only was my list too long, and my standards to high, but that I needed to chill…the hell…OUT.

I was having meltdowns because I struggle with admitting I even have limitations, let alone living within them. The ADHD means I use lists and timers to stay on task and the OCD tells me I must do all the things…perfectly.

But, I am improving.

Example One (LIFE):

Yesterday, I recruited Spawn (14 year-old son) to help me detail the bathrooms. I had to clean out 10+ years of detritus that had collected under and in cabinets because the clutter was wrecking my ability to quickly and easily keep things clean and organized.

***For the record, the picture above is NOT my bathroom, merely how my demented/perfectionist mind THINKS my bathroom looks.

Anyway…

Not only did I ask for help (WINNING!) but I also stopped after the bathrooms. Normally, my ADHD self would have had to put something into the closet, seen THAT was a mess, pulled all of THAT out and…BOOM!

Meltdown.

As I say often about writing:

Perfect is the enemy of the finished.

I’m learning that, if I wish to go more granular on my organizing/cleaning, I can. On another day. Trust me, the junk will still be there. And, if I pace myself, I can do a little every day and keep that junk from having babies.

Example Two (WORK):

Though I didn’t yet have an official diagnosis, back in May when I went to speak in Boise, ID, I operated off the idea that I was, in fact, ND.

My presentations often are slotted at either the beginning of the day or the end of the day. The reason? I put off so much energy, I get people HOPPED UP! I make people laugh and move and participate and it is a lot of fun.

That said, I attend other speakers’ presentations out of professional courtesy, and also because I don’t know everything.

I know! *shock face*

Anyway, on Day 2 of the conference, I’d been traveling and walking and speaking and paying attention and then lunchtime came. My presentation was at like 2:00 (when everyone needs a NAP, me included).

I walked all the way from the conference center to the bustling restaurant before it hit me.

I was exhausted.

Any other conference, I would have ignored all my sensors flashing RED, gone in and socialized with all the writers, despite the crowds, noise and lights.

***Refer to visual representation of Kristen in image above.

This time? I did what I’d never done before and told Troy Lambert (my friend and co-author of our anthology WTH Did I Just READ?) I needed a “time out.” I walked all the way BACK to the conference center then sat alone in my noise canceling headphones and regrouped.

This was the ONLY conference in 15 years that I made it home perfectly healthy. Since I kept a better eye on my energy levels, I didn’t tank myself.

Also, when everything that could go wrong DID go wrong in my presentation (with the technology)? I held it together and was able to stick-and-move. Had I not recharged, it would have been a disaster.

Meltdowns: Other Issues

We might be having meltdowns because we’re overstimulated, overtired, etc. etc. Yet, here is another insidious problem we might have a harder time dealing with.

Learn to set boundaries and enforce them.

I tend to be far too accommodating for my own good. I’ll set a boundary then, when others stomp all over it, I tell them it’s okay.

No, it isn’t.

When I do that, not only am I saying my time/space/boundaries have no meaning and it is okay to walk all over me, but I am ALSO confusing those around me with mixed messages.

Say, I need to write and I tell my family to leave me be until noon. They keep walking in and out and asking for things and for me to make nibblies and to ask me a question and I am all, “No, it’s fine, it’s fine, it’s fine, it’s fine, it’s….

*Kristen grows 25 feet, morphing into LAMBZILLA*

I WILL THROW YOU IN THE ENDLESS PIT OF LEGOS AND SUFFERING IF YOU INTERRUPT ME ONE MORE TIME!

Unfair to me, and confusing and unkind to others.

And, if you’re ND, then wobbly boundaries almost guarantees regular meltdowns.

Meltdowns and the Holidays

Tis the Season to Go Psycho…

The world is far more fast-paced than ever in human history. It is also unsustainable, but that is another post. In the meantime—until SkyNet comes for us—we are going to have to be intentional.

I still have a day job writing and editing. I’m also a housewife who does all the shopping, cooking and cleaning. Additionally, I homeschool a 9th grader. If Santa Claus came down my chimney any other year I might have set his beard on fire.

Spoooons.

This year, now that I know better? I am only putting out so many decorations, only giving so many gifts, and instead of singing Fa-La-La-La La? I’m saying NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NOOOOO!

Sort and prioritize. These are the SUPER important things and worthy of spoons. This stuff? A maybe. That stuff? Only if I have enough spoons.

Lest I end up hiding in a festive blanket fort weeping, washing down raw sugar cookie dough and sprinkles with a bottle of real eggnog…

What are Your Thoughts on Meltdowns?

Meltdowns…not just for toddlers anymore. Did you understand what it really means to be an introvert/extrovert? Were you possibly blaming a bit too much on being an introvert? Do you SUCK at being self-aware/doing self-care?

If you do have meltdowns, are yours the thermo-nuclear-everyone-get-under-that-50s-school-desk kind? Or are you like my husband and just kind of short-circuit and need time to reboot? Maybe somewhere in between?

Have you ever heard of The Spoon Theory? Any other suggestions, thoughts, ideas?

Here is a video from a gal I watched before going through the official diagnosis process. Obviously not all ND people are the same, but what she talked about SO SPOKE to me (enough to where I made sure to get professionally tested).

Maybe this will help you or someone you love, OR hey we need more ND characters so here is a peek inside our heads…

The post Meltdowns: Chaos & the Neurodivergent Author appeared first on Kristen Lamb.

Self-sabotage is something most writers are likely familiar with. We just about get in the habit of working on the WIP (work in progress), and then suddenly we put everyone and everything ahead of finishing that book. Usually they’re noble causes, too. Cleaning the house, organizing the closets, alphabetizing the pets….

I work hard to make “success” books part of my morning routine when I’m doing my chores: making the coffee, making the bed, putting on any laundry, etc. One of my favorite audio books is “Atomic Habits” by James Clear. Namely because the advice is practical, doable, and aligns with my personal value system.

No shade on the “believe it enough and it will happen folks,” but there is also a degree of WORK involved in reaching any goal.

This is why we must learn to ignore the outside voices and take the helm of our own destinies.

Results Reinforce Habits

Why did I bring up “Atomic Habits?” Other than it’s a good book? There was something I read this morning that I feel needs expounding. Clear notes, correctly, that when we see evidence of our habits, that reinforces our identity.

When I declutter daily, I see my surroundings are neat and tidy. Therefore, eventually I identify as an organized person.

But what about being a writer?

Becoming a writer will likely be one of the hardest things any of us does, and for a number of reasons. Unlike eating healthy, working out, saving money, or systematically decluttering our living spaces, much of what we writers do is in the dark. There are many times we will have to press on using sheer force of will and blind faith.

We’ll have to write simply for the love of writing.

We can write millions of words, dozens of books, even publish books and I GUARANTEE you at least ONE @$$hat out there will intimate what we do is not “real.”

Whether they do this out of jealousy, misguided good intentions, or simply not thinking before they speak? Who knows? Yet, I can tell you that, after 16 years of working with all levels of writers, many of them household names? The insecurity never goes away. If anything, it gets worse.

Anything Here Familiar?

I just published a book!

Them: Yes, but you self-published.

My debut novel received almost a hundred rave reviews.

Them: Yes, Amazon really is trying to crack down on fake reviews. Are you sure they’re all real?

My book hit #1 as a best-seller.

Them: Amazon best-sellers aren’t REAL best-sellers.

My book made the NYT Best-Seller list.

Them: Everyone knows the NYT list doesn’t account for actual sales and the numbers are manipulated.

I just published my tenth novel!

Them: How nice. Amazing that Philip K. Dick wrote 44 novels and over 120 short stories. And Stephen King has written 9000 novels and 43,000 short stories.

Okay, I was being a bit silly there because I was starting to depress myself.

The point is we cannot rely on external validation. That is a formula to end up curled in the fetal position washing down raw cookie dough with tequila.

I also mention this because, we’ll self-sabotage wasting time pondering if we are “real writers” instead of WRITING!

What can happen is we’ll keep moving the goal post of what makes us a “real writer.” Eventually, we’ll give up because we set that standard SO high we crumble under the pressure.

Here are a few fun blogs to remind y’all that writers write. Plain and simple.

Diagnosing a REAL Writer: Do You Have Terminological Inexactitude Syndrome?

This is Gonna Leave a Mark: What Makes a “Real” Writer

Real Writers Don’t Self-Publish (Part One and SATIRE)

Real Writers Don’t Self-Publish (Part Two and ALSO SATIRE)

The Personal Apocalypse—When are We REAL Writers?

Self-Sabotage & Fear of Failure

I’ve been on social media since before it went mainstream in 2006, which means I’ve experienced and witnessed enough Imposter Syndrome to last many lifetimes. One of the main reasons we are SO hesitant to call ourselves a writer is precisely because of the head games mentioned above.

Critics will always find some reason to diminish what you’ve accomplished.

Most people fear failure, which is dumb because failing is the only way humans learn. How many of us would berate a toddler every time they fell learning how to walk? We learn by DOING, and we improve by FAILING.

Yet, our culture has ingrained fear of failure into our DNA. My parents never cared about the 90 questions I answered correctly, only the 10 I missed. Schools punish failure, jobs punish failure, culture punishes failure.

Want to know the one phrase that vexes me to no end? “One-hit wonder.”

Despite the FACT that many “one-hit wonder” songs have defined pop culture and even entire generations, our culture still saddles them with that term.

They were KUNG-FU fighting!

867-5309

Oh Mickey you’re so fine, you’re so fine you blow my mind.

Pass the Dutchie on the left-hand side.

Taaake ooooon meeee! Taaaaake meeeee ONNNNNNN!

Stop! Collaborate and listen!

Woot, there it is! Woot, there it is!

The dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had. It’s a mad world.

What does the fox say?

Now that y’all have at least ONE of those stuck in your head, I hope I made my point. Go check out the list of one-hit wonders who, by definition, are “failures.” This is to point out the lunacy of our culture. So don’t look to it to feed your ego.

Self-Sabotage & Fear of Success

Many writers who do successfully hit a “real” best-seller list (whatever “real” might be defined as) then struggle with if they can do it again. Or will they be the dreaded…one-hit wonder?

Because if one book sold hundreds of millions of copies and redefined culture as we know it…but the author doesn’t KEEP doing that…then they failed.

Makes TOTAL sense.

Yet, we can fall into habits of self-sabotage not only because we fear we’ll fail (never finish the book, never land an agent/book deal, be published, make a list, etc.) but precisely because we are afraid we WILL accomplish these things.

What if I only have one good book in me?

I made Whatever Prestigious List, but was it a fluke? Can I do it again? What if I can’t?

This might all sound rather silly, but emotions aren’t always logical. Remember, perfect is the enemy of the great. It is also the enemy of the FINISHED. No half-finished “perfect” book ever became a runaway success, but some very much less-than-perfect ones have.

We’ve covered fear of failure and fear of success, but the one I really want to explore today is the notion of whether or not we deserve success.

I Don’t Deserve It

When we’re stuck in a culture that doesn’t value what we do, it’s easy to believe (at least subconsciously) that writing is some extra indulgence. A hobby, a guilty pleasure, something to be done after doing REAL work.

Many of us are partners or parents or are taking care of loved ones. We believe that when the laundry is done, the dishes washed, the beds made, the bills paid, the pets brushed, the curtains are washed, the ceiling is repainted…THEN we can write. As if writing is not a profession, but a treat to be doled out for good behavior.

THIS is a mindset we must change if we want to go pro. For the record, I STILL struggle with this. I have to MAKE myself get up and write first thing. All the while the siren’s song of dishes, litter boxes, email, and bills are calling me.

I’d love to say I’m always successful, but I try to keep my lying to fiction. There are many reasons this profession is TOUGH and not for everyone.

Fight for Your Right to Write

Yes, it can be a battle with others, but mostly with ourselves. Many of us have a lot of bad programming we need to overcome.

I grew up in a dysfunctional family (a.k.a. typical 80s family). Whenever I wanted something, my parents had a list of common responses:

Do you have a job?

Are you the one paying the bills?

Money doesn’t grown on trees.

Me DESIRING something was intrinsically tethered to my monetary contribution to the home (or said equivalent). Since I didn’t bring home a salary, ergo I had no right to want and did not deserve anything. I only deserved when I a) made good grades b) cleaned my room c) did my chores.

Seeing a pattern here? How many writers don’t write because their writing doesn’t make money, but their writing isn’t making money because they aren’t writing? We unwittingly self-sabotage and that self-sabotage just exacerbates the feedback loop from hell.

Been there, have the box of t-shirts.

No More Self-Sabotage: You Deserve It

We all deserve our dreams. If your dream is to be a writer, then YES, that will demand a lot of work. As in writing, rewriting, reading, studying, learning, researching, building a brand/platform, cultivating an audience, showing up day after day and putting down words no matter what.

What being a writer does NOT entail is you being a good little you and doing all your chores and “real” work before you’re allowed to go write.

If no one has yet given you permission to go write, I will.

WRITERS WRITE. Enough said.

Ultimately, we are in charge. There will always be people who will criticize, tell us why we are poseurs, fakes, fools, hacks, etc. Until we realize that all of that just goes with the territory and get to work ANYWAY, we’ll find every reason not to sit butt in chair and write.

We will revise the opening of that novel 9,763 times. Start new books while abandoning half-finished ones. We’ll believe we can’t succeed because (INSERT REASON HERE) and we’ll talk ourselves out of even trying. Ultimately, we won’t even need the outside world to work against us, because we’ll figure out a way to self-sabotage before they get the chance.

BUT, that is what happens when we are operating in auto-pilot. Now that, hopefully, we are more aware of counterproductive behaviors/ideas/attitudes, we can take action.

Think about all those one-hit wonders.

They did the work, learned to sing, play an instrument, or at least be brave enough to put themselves OUT THERE. And maybe they never made it into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame, but you know what?

Don’t worry. Be happy .

What are your thoughts on self-sabotage?

Are you guilty of shooting yourself in the metaphorical foot? Do you put everyone’s needs ahead of your own? Does writing feel like some guilty indulgence instead of the meaningful profession it is? Have you struggled with the notion of what makes a “real” writer?

What have you done to overcome these issues? Do you have any suggestions or tips? Hey, I am a work in progress ALWAYS and love the feedback!

The post Self-Sabotage: I Don’t Deserve Success appeared first on Kristen Lamb.

Optimism is essential for a healthy life, healthy vision in particular…sort of like Vitamin A. In fact, for the purposes of today’s post, optimism IS Vitamin A for AWESOME. Yet, especially since the pandemic made landfall we ALL know things have been far from awesome.

A lot has downright sucked.

I’m still teaching and fast-drafting and working because that is what professionals and—sigh, adults—do. But admittedly? It’s been a struggle. I’ve not left my house in 2.5 years because of the pandemic, multiple illnesses, and back in the spring we had to put my FIL in hospice.

Every day I have a husband or a son who might randomly start crying because everything is in the air. They feel powerless. Because they feel powerless, I want to cry because I want to make it all better and I can’t make it all better but also suck at this ‘crying thing.’

And there is always that inner voice saying, “Why are you so upset? What do YOU have to cry about? You could be a refugee starving in Africa and your children dying of dysentery while you’re running from warlords….WHEN YOU HAVE NO LEGS! You terrible awful person! For you, life is amazing and you are ungrateful.”

Maybe it is just me?

Call Me, Ms. Optimism

In 2009, when my grandmother (who reared me, so essentially my mom) was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer’s, I kept a good attitude. There were new medications, new treatments to slow down how quickly the disease could progress.

I’d bring Spawn (then a baby) to see her and they’d play Bubble Guppy games on my—okay, his—iPad. Brain games to combat the Alzheimer’s.

Then, my favorite aunt’s heath began failing, the woman who still did her own yard work even though she was ninety-four. Often, she’d be in the hospital at the same time as my grandmother, sometimes in the next room.

Optimism to the rescue. Hey, I can visit them at the same time. Read to them, bring flowers, bring the baby, and save time and gas.

In 2010, when my husband received orders to deploy to fight in Afghanistan, I maintained my optimism. We could do this! Sure, I was a new mom with a baby and a once-solid family that suddenly was crumbling and now my husband was heading for a war-zone, but I could do this.

Maybe I’d write a book about it.

On and on, death after death, loss after loss, through hurts, illnesses, and betrayals so deep I wondered if I might die…I maintained my optimism. Granted, I didn’t shine nearly as brightly, but the world had enough darkness. I didn’t need to add to it.

Nobody cared about my sob story.

Feeling Fixation

When it comes to being a writer, I’ve been on both sides of the fence. I’ve been the newbie who wrote when I felt like it, when I was ‘in the mood.’ I let everyone and everything get in the way of sitting down and putting words on the page.

Then, I learned that amateurs listen to their feelings and professionals get to work and get $#!@ done anyway.

I blogged no matter what. Someone died the night before? I’d cry after I posted and made word count. Deadlines gave no figs about feelings. If I wanted to be the best of the best, I needed to adopt habits of excellence.

This is very true.

I’ve been blessed to meet and know many of my author heroes (mega authors, names y’all would KNOW), and I’ve seen them make deadlines and keep writing when their world was literally falling apart.

Writing through pain, through parents dying and children passing and health crises and on and on. Putting words on a page in hospital rooms, during dialysis, right before and after major surgeries.

Granted, I want to point out these incredible authors did this for more reasons than simply being professionals. Writing was also a way of easing their pain.

But, still…pretty inspiring.

Suffice to say, when I’d meet a new ‘aspiring’ writer who told me they couldn’t write or even think of building a platform because they were SO BUSY. Because of the day job, kids, and family they simply ‘couldn’t find the time’ (as if time was laying around in the couch cushions).

My response? Pick another profession.

I didn’t have a lot of sympathy.

To be blunt, I still don’t.

We’ve become a culture driven by moods and that isn’t healthy. I can’t count how many writers I’ve encountered who claimed they wanted my help to be to be the next J.K. Rowling, George R.R. Martin, Stephen King, Sue Grafton, etc. etc. but after we talked? They lost all their enthusiasm because being a mega-author was just so much…WORK.

Yeah…it is.

Or they’d write the next great novel—because it is so EASY—if only they had the TIME. Well, we were in lockdowns for how long? And maybe I missed the new dark horse Nora Roberts, but…

No, success, like in anything, takes years of work. Life doesn’t stop in the meantime just because we have a dream.

Granted, optimism sometimes is the lone lifeline we will have to keep hold of that dream. Optimism in the face of loss, suffering, pain, and betrayal can often be the only thing that keeps us putting one foot in front of the other.

It’s been that way for me.

When people I loved, whom I believed also loved me did the unthinkable? Hurt me in ways I still can’t wrap my head around? I HAD to believe something good would come out of it or risk coming apart at the seams.

Light Through the Cracks

There’s a meme/story I’ve seen passed around Facebook, particularly in spiritual circles. The idea of a broken vessel fashioned back together and how the light can shine through the cracks. Thus, the vessel is all the more beautiful for being broken, blah, blah, blah.

That is a lovely story, one full of optimism. It’s a story that I wanted to punch in the face…provided a story could be punched in the face.

Optimism Overdose

I come from a rough background and Viking stock. Was taught to have a pretty high tolerance for pain physical and emotional which can be good…but there is a fine line between being dependable and just plain being an idiot.

Getting up, getting to work, willing myself through even when I am mentally all over the place.

Back in my last major season of serious struggle, I defaulted to the methods that have gotten me through more tragedies than I care to relay, namely listening to positive books and willing myself to focus on what I am thankful for.

Surprise, surprise, it didn’t work. When the books that normally perked me up only sent me into depression or a rage, I downloaded a new book.

I $#@! you NOT, the first five minutes were full of that SAME STUPID ADVICE. Optimism is the answer. Focus on your blessings, on gratitude. Be thankful. Choose your attitude.

I lost it. Furious, I returned the book. I’d had enough. So help me, if anyone ‘sent in the clowns,’ I might have set them on fire. A daisy? I would have stabbed it. Our culture is dying because of a sugar addiction literally and metaphorically. Not only that but…

We are ALL TURNING ORANGE from too much Vitamin Awesome. And here we thought it was a bad spray-tan….

And I get it. We are a society out of whack. One side is all doom and gloom and manufacturing reasons to be in perpetual despair/hysteria. Our social media feeds are filled with people enraged over some fresh drama de jour.

Rage porn is the new social addiction.

Humans are addicted to being outraged. They ‘spread awareness’ all over our feeds so much that our every nerve-ending is exposed and raw. We can’t bear to open Facebook, let alone consider using it to ‘build a platform.’ Twitter? It’s basically MORDOR.

And, since everything hurts, we shut down.

To combat the rage porn, the sugar junkies post happy thoughts of the day and inspirational quotes on Instagram. Filtered images and cropped lives and tips for better this and better that, and how to enjoy the most from soup and laugh at salad.

I can’t help but look at my piles of laundry, the floor covered in grit because Nelson—albeit the fluffy adorable love of my life—flings kitty litter like friggin’ fairy dust.

I can’t stop staring the stacks of mail I have to sort through, the closets I need to organize, the…the…the…and all I can think is…

Did I FAIL Adulting 101?

You know that dream where you showed up to a class you didn’t know you were taking and it was the day of the final? And you hadn’t studied because you didn’t even have the book because you didn’t even KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THE CLASS?

THAT was the class that taught you how to be a functional adult, Kristen.

#ItAllMakesSenseNow

But don’t worry, these folks write scads of books giving advice on how to ‘turn that frown upside down’…and I want to burn it all down.

ALL OF IT.

Great People Sometimes Break Down

I’m like all of you guys. We’re all wonderfully different, and we all view life through our own unique lens. My lens is as a Texan reared in the Bible Belt. I frequently joke to fellow Christians that 1 Kings 19:5-15 is the first documentation of an angelic visitation with a Snickers bar.

Angel: Elija, so want you to know He DID receive your message. ‘You want to die.’ Yeah, so, request denied. Also, The Big Guy sent me to tell you that you’re a great prophet…but a total diva when you don’t eat. 

My POV? We don’t need another coffee mug, screensaver or mouse track pad with inspirational quotes. I adore Ghandi as much as the next person, but some days…just stop.

For my fellow faith folks, sometimes we don’t need any more uplifting scriptures..though maybe we could modify them?

Oh the plans I have for you, plans to cry your eyes out, eat all the nachos and finally admit you miss that person who stabbed you in the back and that it is okay to miss them even if it is NOT okay to let them come back in and wreck your life again…Amen.

Book of Lambentations …

#OhTheIrreverence

Lighten up. We’re all friends here.

Again, BALANCE the Optimism

It has been hotter than the hammered hinges of hell in Texas. I’m going through growing pains as a professional writer because publishing in the digital age is more slippery than eels in baby oil.

The point of all of this is, do not feel the need to always look on the bright side or for the silver lining. Embrace the darkness, move through it and give yourself permission to not be okay. Because, if I have learned anything through MANY seasons of being ‘not okay’ it’s that the more we avoid it, the worse it will be when the dam breaks.

Or is it the damn?

And ironically, I get that I am being somewhat of a hypocrite. Writing a post to make you feel better about not being okay. It is a mind-bender, so yeah just roll with it.

Life is a lot of things, a learning curve being one of them. I am still striving to balance the line between TOTAL FLAKE and WORK NAZI. If I locate it? Y’all will be the first to know.

What Are Your Thoughts on Optimism O.D.?

Do you wonder if you missed the Adulting 101 classes too? Is it hard to look at social media sometimes? Either the whole world is crap and burning down or we have to learn how ten ways to fit yoga and green juice into our lives?

Do you miss being unreachable? I take time regularly off social media because I’m already aware I’m a nut…but STILL.

Is it hard to see what you do well, what you have accomplished? Do you have a hard time being negative, too? It’s hard for me to cry, to be angry, to confess that I don’t want to look at my blessings. I want to scream and eat tacos but that’s a good way to choke #DontDoThat.

Am I off base? I firmly believe in gratitude and optimism and how we do have a choice in where we focus, but the all-sugar-all-the-time seems just as toxic as the rage channel.

Sometimes I just want to be in pain, to feel it and be allowed to feel it. I don’t WANT another blog about how to fix it. And yes, again, I admit that is COMPLETELY hypocritical but whatever. I love life tips, but also believe a good day of ranting and ax-throwing might make me feel better.

What are your thoughts…other than I’ve finally gone off the deep end?

Hint: Been here all along

I love hearing from you!

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The post Optimism Overdose: Sometimes Life STINKS appeared first on Kristen Lamb.

Small steps are the most essential for achieving anything in life, yet they’re also the most underestimated. They are too easy to overlook or dismiss.

Unlike when we were kids, no one is handing out stickers or scented erasers to reward us for a day well done. There’s no list on the wall showcasing the names of those who put in the extra work and accomplished just…a…little…more than their peers.

So you got up and went to work this morning. Did anyone notice? When you finished reading and replying to those emails, did you get a thrill of electricity? You cleaned your house, kept your kids alive, paid your bills and didn’t run anyone off the road.

What does it matter?

No stickers for “Hey, I Didn’t Go to JAIL Today” or “I Didn’t Tell My Boss Off” or “I Returned my Grocery Cart Even Though Some Idiot Designed the Parking Lot Where the Return Corral was A MILE AWAY”. Okay, the last one might not fit on a sticker.

The others? Someone needs to get on that.

Who really notices what we do as much as they notice when we FAIL to do the same things? My family might not cheer me on for doing the laundry, but they sure notice when they run out of clean socks.

It feels as if we’re trapped in a world of homeostasis, and the needle never moves. But that is the lie. Big changes are always comprised of small steps. If we overlook small steps, then forget about setting goals, let alone reaching them.

This said, how do we keep going when, 99% of the time, it feels as if we are stuck in neutral?

Small Steps on a Realistic Path

I work very hard to be a positive person, but here’s some news you might like…or not. Whatever.

Perpetual positivity is extremely unhealthy. It’s actually a form of denial.

Sometimes life does suck. The odds CAN actually be against us. We face very real challenges every day. Acknowledging obstacles is what separates dedicated dreamers from hopeful fools.

In business, we run something known as a S.W.O.T. Analysis (Strengths, Weaknesses, Obstacles, Threats). How Debbie Downer of me, right? Um, no. If we seek to achieve anything worthwhile, from cleaning out the sewing room to successfully publishing a book, we need a REALISTIC view of what’s ahead.

Most of you who subscribe to this blog appreciate that bluntness is my superpower. I’m candid because I genuinely care about you and am vested in your success.

Also, I did all the stupid things SO YOU DON’T HAVE TO. Take advantage!

If we’re going to take small steps on a grand adventure toward worthy goals, then it’s a GREAT idea to make sure we are heading the correct direction.

Genius stuff here. I KNOW!

But how many people say they want to be professional authors who sell enough books to write full time, but then they rarely write? They might finish the book but have done NOTHING to build a brand—which is when our name alone has the power to sell books.

Have they studied craft, writing, self-editing, or even the business of their business? Do they have a plan as to how they’ll actually SELL those books?

STOP NOW: Writing is a FOOL’S ERRAND

Bear with me.

You want to write novels? Series? Think you have what it takes to be the next J.K. Rowling? Odds are, you don’t. Think you have what it takes to at least make a healthy living writing books? Again, odds unfavorable.

Did you know that, according to Book Expo of America statistics, back in 2004, writers had a 96% failure rate? 96% of all authors published sold fewer than 1,000 books. And, of that number, over 50% sold fewer than 500 books. Most sold around 100.

And this was back before self-publishing and social media. These were largely agented authors with publishers and placement in bookstores.

One would think the numbers are better now, but not according to Forbes. Self-publishing is hardly a way to get rich quick. 20% of authors make ABSOLUTELY NO MONEY, and the median income is around $5,000 a year.

This number is skewed by a VERY small percentage of top earners (those earning $100,000 or more), so likely this median number is lower.

With well over a million books hitting the market, and this number compounding every year, most books will languish in literary limbo until the writer finally just sucks it up and accepts reality.

It was never meant to happen to begin with. Was never in the cards or the stars or the chicken bones…and WOW, I almost lost my “I Didn’t Day Drink” sticker!

Fail to Plan and Plan to Fail

The difference in the successful writer—whatever you define that to be—and the unsuccessful is all in the small steps.

How many of the zillions of writers who ran out to self-publish were still writing like it was 1999? When the ONE goal all writers fixated on was writing A GOOD BOOK?

Being a 21st century author is a LOT more than about writing and finishing a book (in fact, statistically it is all but impossible to make money with A BOOK). If our goal—HONESTLY—is to make a living writing, then there’s a LOT more work ahead.

Even if we decide to outsource certain jobs (I.e. cover design, formatting, internal design) we must get educated. There are too many grifters out there peddling fool’s gold to authors who want shortcuts.

This was why I wrote a Dummies’ Writers’ Guide to SEO recently. Feel free to outsource keywords and web stuff to experts, but have the knowledge to hire and fire wisely.

Who ARE You?

We are what we consistently DO. Hobbyists dabble and create when the mood strikes. Pros get to work no matter what. It doesn’t matter if you’ve not yet published a book. Ditch the imposter syndrome and suck it up. Writers *shock face* WRITE!

Understand it is OKAY to be a hobbyist. Just don’t expect pro rewards with a hobbyist work ethic. This is why it’s crucial to first define what kind of author you want to be.

If you’re writing solely for pleasure then you don’t need a business plan. But, if you want to replace the day job, then it’s career suicide to approach writing like the hobbyist.

Think about it. If you only showed up to your current day job when you were “in the mood” or “the muse visited”, how long would you remain employed?

There are GOOD reasons why this profession isn’t for everyone.

So, when we begin this ‘journey’ are we even pointing in the correct DIRECTION? Hobbyist or professional? That is a huge deal!

If I’m in Texas and my GOAL is to walk to California, then I really should check I am—at the very least—pointing WEST.

Granted I CAN, theoretically, reach California from Texas heading EAST, but what are the odds I’ll give up trying to circumnavigate the entire planet? Small steps are HUGE when I am walking a couple thousand miles down interstate highways, but it is DOABLE. At 15 miles a day, I can reach California in about 4.5 months.

The other direction? Fuggetaboutit.

Same with being a professional author. Yes, the odds are against us. But how much of that ‘bad luck’ do we have the power to change?

Small Steps & Brutal Honesty

What are ALL the obstacles standing in your way? List them and add to the list as you go along. Yes…as you go along. As you gain higher levels of expertise you’ll trade old problems for (hopefully) better problems.

This isn’t me being a Negative Nelly. It’s recognizing that, if I see a mountain range on the map in between where I am and where I want to go, it’s smart to look for the path through the mountains before I get there.

No amount of positive thinking is going to make those mountains vanish.

If I skip along to the metaphorical Alps with no plan, I will still be required to make a plan. Either I’ll have to plan a retreat or I’ll plan to find a path…and waste a ton of time and resources searching for a route I could have easily accounted for in the beginning.

Also, if I want to take on a trek of this magnitude, I need to account for internal obstacles. Self-doubt, burnout, stress, isolation, etc.

Same with writing. The author mountain range might be invisibility. How do we PLAN on standing apart from millions of other books? If we have a plan ahead of time, this prepares us mentally as well.

When we don’t immediately make a gazillion dollars, we keep on the paths that have the best reputation for delivering authors through that massive obstacle (I.e. multiple books, a series, a good blog, a strong social media following, etc.). Small steps. One foot in front of the other.

Trust in the process and that compounded efforts are like compound interest. Hard to see anything notable in the short-term, but then one day, BAMMO! The world sees an ‘overnight success.’

Small Steps Around Big Obstacles

I understand that life gets in the way. But I also appreciate the power of even small snippets of focused time. It’s why I’ve PAID for a Ning called W.A.N.A.Tribe for TWELVE YEARS.

(W.A.N.A. stands for We are not alone.)

Since I pay for this out of my own pocket, there are no ads or bots. We’ve been meeting every day, every week to do writing sprints for almost EIGHT YEARS. It is a virtual office space where one of us sets a timer for an hour, people join in the sprint (in the CHAT forum), and at the end, we relay what we accomplished.

Then, we chit chat a few minutes and do the next sprint and the next and the next. I’ve, personally, finished nine books, a novella and hundreds of articles using the sprints.

Some of us stay most of the day or even all day. I mix up sprints where I write with sprints where I clean, cook, and homeschool my 12-year-old son. It’s an amazing place for accountability. We have permission to leave the laundry, the dishes, the bills, the pets and kids for AT LEAST ONE HOUR…to write.

Here’s the weird thing, though. Out of almost 3300 members, any guess how many regularly show up for sprints?

Maybe 20, if I’m being generous.

But, want to know a fun fact about those who show up consistently? Almost all of them are highly successful multi-published authors.

Telling, isn’t it?

These writers all have lives. They have families, children, health issues, ailing parents or family members. We all have our share of crises, but guess what? We aren’t any better, any more talented. The only difference is we consistently show up.

Life Size is Bite-Size with Small Steps

I don’t mention the lackluster attendance on W.A.N.A.Tribe to make anyone feel badly. But think about pre-Internet. How many authors had a free and designated workspace with peers around almost every day to encourage and offer help when needed? Think how many authors dreamed of such a place.

Heck, I did, which was why I built it.

Trust me! I wish I ONLY had to worry my pretty little head about writing. Today, while working on this post, I have done the dishes, sorted, washed and folded laundry, cleaned the kitchen, cooked, cleaned the kitchen AGAIN and organized my vitamin cabinet.

Why?

Because LIFE is Messy & BIG

And needs to be broken into manageable bits. I can write about 500-800 words in a sprint, but then I need to move around unless I want back pain. Also, those dishes—sadly—aren’t going to wash themselves.

The vitamins are sorted and the ones that tried to bite me? I tossed. Then I did a quick guided meditation on my phone. NOW, I am back doing a sprint WRITING.

I use lists and timers for everything I do, all the small steps. It keeps me focused and on task and I accomplish a lot more (especially when there are others to hold me to task). But even if we reduced W.A.N.A.Tribe down to ONE sprint five days a week for six months SOLELY dedicated to writing..

How much could one get written?

What habits might one form? Is it reasonable to assume with just these small steps—logging in, writing for an hour a day, day after day—that it would be easier to self-identify as a professional author instead of a dabbler who maybe one day will get around to being amazing?

Obviously, I’d love everyone to use W.A.N.A. Tribe. The more the weirder! Does it matter if only 12 people continue using it? No. I don’t make any money off it. It’s really just a virtual office for those who choose to make writing a priority.

You We Are Not Alone

I certainly do not pretend to have my act together. In fact, I can only look at watercolor paintings if I’m on Instagram lest I give up all hope.

Anything worth achieving isn’t going to be easy, but we can improve our odds of success by simply being honest about our obstacles as well as what we want…then breaking all this down to bite-sized pieces.

Every massive success (or failure) is made up of small steps. In fact, I could make a case that it is impossible to trace the beginning of…anything. Couples don’t ONE DAY end up in a nasty divorce. That nasty divorce is comprised of many small steps taken or not taken. Then, we could go back before they married to their childhoods, their genetic predispositions, then farther and farther and father back.

The same can be said for success.

This is why it is key to simply DECIDE and START. Commit to showing up, whether that is as a writer, a partner, a parent, a whatever. When it comes to writing, you are not alone. Your chances of forming new habits and reaching goals vastly improves with a support network.

Feel free to use the Chat over at W.A.N.A. Tribe, or join a writing group, start your own. Just DO IT. Small steps are DOABLE as in TODAY, RIGHT NOW. They are simple to repeat. Just small steps day after day, month after month will take you thousands of miles from where you began.

Looking forward to seeing where y’all go! Btw, if you sign up for W.A.N.A. Tribe, I have to manually approve you. I try to be as instant as possible, but this is what keeps the bots away.

Thoughts? I LOVE hearing from you!

Do you REALLY think of yourself as a writer? An author? Are you guilty of dabbling when you really need to set a schedule?

For the record, I have had times I HAD to take off and resort to being more of a hobbyist. Burnout is a real thing. Rest is crucial. This said, how can we do better at making what time we have extra fruitful? How do you get the most out of your minutes?

***Btw, for those who want to make a living writing, make sure to scroll down and check out the classes below. When you treat yourself as a business, which you are, then classes are an INVESTMENT. All these classes will help you up the quantity AND quality of your writing.

I love hearing from you!

What do you WIN? For the month of APRIL, for everyone who leaves a comment, I will put your name in a hat. If you comment and link back to my blog on your blog, you get your name in the hat twice.

What do you win?

The unvarnished truth from yours truly. I will pick a winner once a month and it will be a critique of the first 20 pages of your novel, or your query letter, or your synopsis (5 pages or less).

Small Steps to Start

The Write Stuff Special: 20 pages for $55

Only TEN SLOTS AVAILABLE! Offer ends May 4th, 2020. Sign up HERE.

Small Steps with Classes

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Thursday, May 19, 2022 7-9:30 P.M. NYC Time

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The Art of Character: Writing Characters for a SERIES

Thursday, May 26th 7:00-10:00 P.M. NYC Time

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Practice Your Pitch: Master the Log-Line

Thursday, June 2nd, 7:00-9:00 P.M. NYC Time. This is a TWO-HOUR INTERACTIVE WORKSHOP!

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The post Small Steps & The Value of Simply SHOWING UP appeared first on Kristen Lamb.

Writer’s block is a very controversial subject in the publishing world. Everyone has an opinion and everyone is right. Okay, maybe not everyone. I am right…and also NUMBER ONE AT HUMBLE!

*gets cramp patting self on back*

I believe that, when it comes to discussing writer’s block, there is a real danger of oversimplifying a truly complex phenomenon. Many claim there is no such thing as writer’s block. Just sit down and write and stop making excuses for being lazy. While laziness might be an answer (as we’ll explore) this One-Size-Fits-All solution is low-hanging fruit. Sort of like going to the doctor where the standard answer for everything is to “lose weight.”

Me: I’m tired all the time.

Doctor: Lose weight.

Me: My knee really hurts. I think I might have arthritis.

Doctor: Lose weight.

Me: *blood spurting from missing arm* I uh, think I need emergency surgery.

Doctor: Nah. Lose weight.

Now, is it true that many health issues could be remedied if we weren’t carrying around extra poundage? Sure. But, the human body is vastly complex, meaning it’s wise to ditch the myopia and take into consideration other factors.

Same with writer’s block.

Writer’s Block & Laziness

We’ll just deal with probably the most common explanation for writer’s block right now. Why? Because just like sometimes losing weight really IS the answer to a health issue, laziness could be at the root of our inability to put words on the page.

Why?

Because writing is hard work. Let me add a caveat, “Superlative writing is hard work.”

I know this because when I knew NOTHING about my craft, I never ran out of stuff to slap on the page. My first ‘novel’—the 187,000 word monstrosity I keep in the garage because it pees on the carpets—was a JOY to write. My book had IT ALL! There was romance, action, comedy! My novel had everything…except a plot.

Once I decided to be an author FOR REAL, everything changed.

After a slew of rejections, I decided maybe I didn’t know as much as I thought I did. Once I joined a critique group, started attending conferences, began reading loads of craft books as well as fiction….

*weeps*

Suddenly this super fun activity transitioned into a serious brain-bender. I go into more detail on this in my post The Writer’s Journey: From Total Newbie to the Joy of Mastery.

Suffice to say that writing will always be tough work, and the challenges will never evaporate, only change. When we are new, pre-published authors, we are literally in the process of learning an incredibly difficult skill. While having talent is definitely an asset, it’s only one piece of a giant puzzle.

As we grow in our craft, the challenges shift. We might publish our first novel and it’s well-written. But then we have to write the next novel and the next. Then there is creating an author brand, sales, social media, formatting, covers, research, revisions, edits….AHHHHH.

Thus, writing can get really overwhelming and, if we fail to develop good habits, laziness definitely can be at the root of writer’s block. It’s just SO much easier to repaint the house than it is to knock out a thousand words, right?

Writer’s Block as a Safety Against Stupid

This opinion might be unique to me. I read a ton of blogs and books, but if someone else has shared this theory, I haven’t seen it yet.

My greatest weakness when I was an emerging author was I struggled with structure. Structure isn’t sexy, but it is essential. If you struggle, too, I recommend my post Fatal Flaws: Why Your Story is Falling Apart & How to Fix It.

If outlines make you break out in hives? No worries. This post even has tips that will work for pantsers (those who “write by the seat of their pants” for any n00bs).

I’ve been a writer and an editor for over twenty years, and the single biggest flaw I see in most new works is the writer does not have a clear central story problem in need of resolution. All stories are about problems. How do we know the story is over? The core problem is resolved—win, lose or draw.

*** Though admittedly endings where the hero ‘loses’ are most popular in foreign films and anything Sundance likes.

Maybe you’ve encountered this scenario.

You come up with a fabulous story idea and take off writing. The words flow out faster than you can put them down. You’re on a creative high…for about 10,000-12,000 words. Around 12,000-15,000 words, it gets a little harder, but you can still keep moving forward.

By around 25,000 to 30,000 words, it starts to feel as if it would be easier to perform brain surgery from space with an egg beater than to finish. So maybe you keep going back and perfecting the beginning, revising and editing what you already have…until you decide that the garage really needs to be organized.

I believe our subconscious mind is smarter than we could ever imagine. When we hit that wall, this could be a warning that something in our story blueprint needs to be repaired before proceeding.

Often, the core story problem is weak. But it might be a pacing issue, or we need to change a character, we have redundant characters that could be combined, we aren’t hitting plot arc and character arc at the right spot, etc.

Pay Attention to Warnings

Writer’s block can be a lot like those warning lights on our car’s dashboard. Sure, we could keep driving if there is a CHECK ENGINE light. We can keep going with a LOW FUEL light, or CHECK OIL light. It IS an option.

Temporarily.

But, eventually everything WILL grind to a halt. This is one of the reasons I’m not too keen on the pat answer that writer’s block is ONLY laziness. If we keep slogging through and turn out word count for the sake of word count because we don’t want to ‘be lazy,’ we can inadvertently make a mess that will take much more time to repair (if it can be repaired at all).

Our subconscious could be waving a red flag that there is a critical flaw in our story. If we’ll learn to pay attention, it can save us a TON of revisions and also help us become better at finishing what we start.

When I feel any major drag on a story, I recommend a quick check.

Want to unlock writer’s block? Write out your log-line for your story.

You should be able to explain your entire plot (what your story is about) in ONE sentence. If you can’t? That is a HUGE problem. Maybe you believe your work is ‘too complex’ to whittle into ONE sentence.

Okay… *cracks knuckles*

A small band of friends from a naive and innocent race must traverse a land fraught with danger and war in order to destroy a magical ring in a specific volcano before a power-hungry necromancer destroys everything they love.

I just put the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy into a single sentence. Hey, I never said it couldn’t be a LONG sentence .

Why do I LOVE the log-line? First, it is an incredible diagnostic. Here is my formula for the log-line:

Intriguing protagonist + ACTIVE goal (PLOT PROBLEM) + Stakes +Ticking Clock = AWESOME STORY

Lord of the Rings is so long and detailed it’s borderline insane. Tolkien even made up his own languages. But, at the end of the day? One goal. Drop a magic ring in ONE specific volcano before the world ends.

That’s it.

If you are struggling with your story, put it into this formula. You might see that you don’t have an ACTIVE goal. In Act One and partly into Act Two, YES, our protagonist will run. They will avoid, evade, hide and be reactive. Eventually, however, the protagonist must transition into a hero. To do this, they require an ACTIVE goal.

Figuring out your core antagonist—Big Boss Troublemaker— is essential for this. Without a core antagonist creating a singular problem in need of resolution, stories quickly devolve into ‘bad stuff happening.’

You might not have high enough stakes. What happens if your protagonist fails? If the protagonist doesn’t have skin in the game, neither will the reader. This is why Finding Nemo was awesome and Finding Dory was two hours of my life I can never get back.

You might not have a ticking clock. If a protagonist has forever to solve a problem, that’s going to be a hard sell to the audience. Give your protagonist a deadline…then roughly midway through Act Two, cut that in HALF. Then cut in half again.

Very often, when writer’s block slams into us, the key to moving forward can be easily located—then remedied—using a log-line.

Fallow Times or Writer’s Block?

What happens when a farmer keeps farming the same piece of land with the same crop year after year without rest? The harvest, over time, diminishes until nothing grows. This is why it’s vital to not only rotate crops, but to allow the land to rest.

Writing demands a ton of mental, physical, and creative energy. In the ‘olden days’ of publishing, the pace was far slower. If a writer scored a publishing deal, it generally took a year (minimum) to two or more years until the author would ever see that book in print.

While I’d love to discuss the positives and negatives of the sweeping changes in publishing, it’s a moot point. There is no putting the genie back in the bottle. Being a successful working writer simply requires a lot more than it used to. This means burnout is a much larger problem.

Many of y’all know I took on a ghostwriting project in early 2020. From outline to finished book IN HAND took thirteen months. After a 93,000 word manuscript, complete with a gazillion citations? I was put-a-fork-in-me DONE.

Often, we’re struggling because our creative reservoirs are depleted. When we’re writing, blogging, posting on social media, on and on and on? It’s a drain. We can only run on fumes so long before everything WILL come to an abrupt stop.

Active rest is essential. I recommend setting aside a block of time to do something else creative during the time you’d normally write. Whether that is painting, reading, or underwater demolitions is all up to you.

Remember Life Happens

Keep in mind, LIFE doesn’t suddenly pause because we want to write books. There was a time I would keep pushing and pushing no matter what (that whole ‘terrified of being lazy thing’) and all it did was give me shingles.

After finishing The Trap: Sex, Social Media and Surveillance Capitalism, to say I was fried is the understatement of the century. This book was one of the toughest projects I’ve ever tackled, an expose of epic proportions. Thank GOD I wasn’t doing it alone. But I saw things I can never UN-SEE. The research that went into that book boggles the mind since it covers everything from the adult industry as a whole to algorithmic data structures to surveillance capitalism to neuroscience and on and on.

***But OnlyFans is ditching their adult content, so WINNING!

I dedicated over a year of my life to a very worthy cause, but it took its toll. And, considering all the other stuff that happened in between? Pretty shocked I didn’t end up in a padded room.

Just this year, my mom has had two major surgeries, one for cancer. My husband had a surgery for melanoma (which was TERRIFYING). I still homeschool, run a business, and dream of one day having a clean kitchen. On top of this, my health, that hasn’t been great in a while, suddenly tanked.

I couldn’t even get out of bed.

I’ve been telling doctor after doctor for TWELVE YEARS my thyroid is messed up, only to be brushed off and told I’m a hysterical woman who spends too much time on the internet….and to lose weight.

*rails at heavens*

For TWO YEARS I’ve been saying I have Hashimoto’s Disease and that my hormones were whacked, only to be informed I was fine and needed an anti-depressant…and to lose weight.

A month ago, thanks to a dear friend, I was able to see one of the top endocrinologists in the country and GUESS WHAT? I have…Hashimotos’ Disease (which is an autoimmune disease that attacks the thyroid, among other things). Two weeks into the new meds and I am a brand new me.

The old Kristen would have kept pushing, kept blogging, editing and teaching, but I learned from the shingles nightmare. My body was demanding rest, so I rested until I could find a solution…a doctor who would listen and get me the treatment I needed.

Writer’s Block & Time Management

There are a couple of sayings I loathe with the power of a thousand suns. One is, “Everyone has the same 24 hours in a day.”

Patently…friggin’…FALSE.

Those rearing children, running a business, homeschooling, working a full-time job on top of writing, caring for elderly or infirm family, those suffering chronic illnesses might have precious little time to devote to writing. No, sorry, not everyone has the same 24 hours in a day.

DaVinci didn’t have to wash his own clothes, make his own meals, and take care of a young child and or an elderly parent prone to wander off to test-drive one of his flying machines while he was painting The Last Supper.

***Imagines Michelangelo checking a crockpot and calling out spelling words while painting Sistine Chapel.

This said, there is another quippy saying that bugs me equally—If I can find the time.

We cannot FIND time, only MAKE time.

I know from the comments that you guys wear a lot of hats, are caregivers, and many of you even struggle with a chronic illness. This is all a given. And YES, these constraints are real. At the same time? We are in charge of our priorities.

Writer’s block, in all its forms, is a call to action. It can be a sign we are lazy. We’re unwilling to do what needs to be done. If that’s the case? Then writing simply for FUN actually IS an option. Not every hobby needs to be monetized.

It could be signaling us to go back and look at the core components of our story before we get too bogged down in a mess.

Writer’s block might be the warning siren telling us to take a break before we break. It can also force us to examine our priorities.

“No” is actually a full sentence.

If, after reading ALL of this, you still want to be a working author? Understand that writing time is sacrosanct.

***During a resting season, then active rest will go into this slot and has a time limit/deadline as well.

Writers WRITE. This is the priority ahead of laundry, dusting, PTA, and (insert activity HERE).

For more on this, check out my post Good Girls Don’t Become Best-Sellers—Channeling Your Inner “Bad Girl” to Reach Your Dreams.

Busting Writer’s Block

Now that I’ve given several different underlying causes for writer’s block, it’s up to you (and me) to see what fits. But keep in mind, our answers can and will change. What is true today, might not be true tomorrow, so it’s good to know these principles so we can do better regular ‘health checks.’

Some changes are easier than others. Is it time for a kick in the pants or to ease off the gas pedal?

If we’re truly being lazy, this behavior is frequently rooted in fear and perfectionism. Just remember, no one ever sold millions of copies of half of a ‘perfect’ book.

Though plenty of completed ‘crappy’ books have set sales records.

Some of us might be dealing with life circumstances or health issues that limit what we can do. Okay, set and maintain priorities then adjust accordingly.

Aside from the log-line, I have two more tips before we go.

Sometimes we simply need to write crap. We cannot edit what isn’t on the page. Creative flow can be like water and we might need to ‘prime the pump’. Get out the junk to get to the good stuff. If we set a time and make writing a habit, then it’s easier to slip back into our stride if we have to take a break.

My second tip? When I hit a roadblock in any book, I first check against the log-line (or thesis statement for non-fiction). If that’s all strong, then I literally write AND SOMETHING AWESOME HAPPENS HERE, then pick up the story/book at the next logical point. I let my subconscious chew on how to bridge that gap while I keep moving forward.

In all the years I’ve been doing this, I have yet for ‘the boys in the basement’ to fail me. Often, my subconscious comes up with a solution far more inventive than I could have staring at a screen trying to force my writing into submission.

I hope this post has given you real solutions to a real problem because, YES…writer’s block is a real thing.

What are your thoughts?

Have you struggled with writer’s block and felt lazy or ashamed because you aren’t ‘trying hard enough?’ Do you need to kick it into gear or maybe take some dedicated time off? Are some of you dealing with being a caretaker or trying to manage a chronic illness and write? Do you struggle with telling people “No” while making you and your writing last on the list?

Do y’all have any tips or thoughts you’d like to add?

I LOVE hearing from you!

To prove it and show my love, for the month of AUGUST, everyone who leaves a comment I will put your name in a hat. If you comment and link back to my blog on your blog, you get your name in the hat twice. What do you win? The unvarnished truth from yours truly. I will pick a winner once a month and it will be a critique of the first 20 pages of your novel, or your query letter, or your synopsis (5 pages or less).

July’s winner is Charlotte O’Shay. Please email your pages (250 words is a page) in a Word doc, double-spaced 12 point Times New Roman font, with one-inch margins to kristen at wana intl dot com. Yes, I am being picky but it keeps me from going blind…-er. Also please put CONTEST WINNER in all caps so I see you in the sea of spam. Congratulations!

I will announce August’s winner next post. 

The post Writer’s Block: Is It Laziness or a Critical Part of Being a Longtime Author? appeared first on Kristen Lamb.

Grace is one of those things I am pretty good at giving. Receiving? Not so much. I’ve really missed blogging, and a lot has been going on at home. Translation? My brain vapor-locked when I tried to come up with a blog topic. Hopelessly stymied, I did something dangerous…

I asked some fellow writers for help.

Y’all can guess from the title what they suggested. Talk about grace, Kristen.

Okay. *cracks knuckles* I can totally do that. Well, this is my third, fourth, or maybe sixteenth attempt. Once I started trying to post about grace? I floundered until I realized that anything other than the complete truth would be hypocrisy. Because, if I’m totally honest? Asking for grace? Receiving it?

Can I just crawl over some broken glass instead, and we call it a day?

This reaction flummoxed me more than a little bit. Alas, anyone who’s followed my blog any amount of time knows that I strive to be transparent. When I had almost an allergic reaction to the idea that I might be anything less than perfect, it was time for me to eat a big ol’ slice of Humble Pie.

Apparently, one can’t have whipped cream with crow.

So, here goes.

Grace & Pride

It isn’t easy admitting you’re a prideful person. But isn’t that what I am? When I’m willing to move heaven and earth to help a relative, a friend, a fellow writer who’s in over their head, but can’t ask for help when I’m drowning, what does that say about me? That ‘other’ people struggle but I’m too smart, talented, unusually good-looking to ever need a hand?

Ouch.

I’ve spent most of my life tangling with perfectionism. For instance, it’s taken years to learn that I can accept a compliment with a simple, ‘Thanks.’ If someone says something nice about my crochet project, I don’t need to follow it up with, ‘Thanks, but if you look closer, you’ll see I dropped this stitch here and here and here and here….”

Why do I feel the need to scuttle perfectly wonderful praise?

False humility is actually pride in disguise. Deep down, for whatever reason years of therapy have failed to fully uproot, I have a weird belief that compliments are only for perfect performance. At least when it comes to me.

WHY?

I’d never in a gazillion years believe that about another person. Why am I so special? I’m not. That’s the thing. If I can’t give myself the same grace I offer others, that’s pride. I’m essentially saying that there is one absurd, unreachable, ridiculous standard I should be able to achieve. Everyone else? I can grade on a curve, because they need it.

Hey, I promised transparency.

Intellectually, I can see where and when this belief began. I didn’t come from the most emotionally healthy family. Maybe one or two of y’all reading this can relate.

And no, it isn’t like my relatives sat up all night devising ways to make Little Kristen grow up into Neurotic Adult Kristen.

My grandparents (who reared me) sincerely thought they were helping when they ignored all the As on my report card to grill me like a POW about the one B. They thought refolding all the towels I’d just folded would help me learn the ‘proper’ way to fold towels.

For most of my growing up, I got the, ‘It would have been perfect, except you didn’t do X.’ I spent decades of my life bending and twisting and overachieving, trying so hard to get some accolade that didn’t include a ‘but’, an ‘except for,’ an ‘if only you’d….’

Always weighed, measured, and found wanting. Sigh.

Their treatment, oddly, made me want to do better as an adult. I strive to be generous with compliments sans ‘advice.’ So why do I still feel the need to add those qualifiers in when anyone praises me?

Kristen, you baked a fantastic cake!

Me: Yes, except the icing didn’t come out as thick as I would have liked. And I’m no professional for sure, and, and…

*kicks self*

Grace & Control

Control is just another facet of pride. 2020 has been hard on everyone. COVID has turned everyone’s world upside down, mine included. Apparently, I’m an early adopter. I caught COVID at the beginning of the year and was deathly ill until March…then slept most of April and May.

Before 2020?

Most of my adult life I’ve naturally woken up at 4:00 a.m. to write, take a walk, read, or whatever. Even when I was sick with Shingles, bronchitis, bronchial pneumonia, it didn’t matter. I was up and at it. Then? COVID. That hit me like nothing ever has. Even now, it is making me BONKERS that I struggle to rally by 8:00 a.m. and that I’m not blogging, teaching, speaking, knitting socks for orphans….

True story.

My cat, Odin (picture above), is an Egyptian Mau. When he meows? He is LOUD. And I mean, really, REALLY LOUD. When the virus flattened me, Odin started howling at our bedroom door every morning, certain I was dead. He’d only calm down once Hubby opened the door so my cat could see proof of life…then try to sleep on my head.

Odin was hysterical and for good reason. Since he’s been a kitten (for seven years), I’ve always been up an hour or more before dawn. Suddenly, I wasn’t getting up at all.

Now, if anyone else was as sick as I was? OMG! I would have brought soup (homemade, not that crap from a can), cleaned their house, run errands and chastised them if they tried to do anything but rest.

But ME?

Nope. Things to do. Stuff to write. Every day feeling like a failure because I didn’t write 4,000 words, go to the gym, do the laundry, clean the house, negotiate world peace…

I warned y’all I was ridiculous.

Why I am SO eager to help, but frequently don’t even THINK to ask for help? *winces* Because I need to keep the metaphorical books balanced. I don’t want to owe anyone. It’s better that others are in my debt than the other way around.

I know, I know. It’s awful.

But, have any of y’all been in a relationship where you NEVER wanted that person to do ANYTHING for you? Because you knew you’d never hear the end of it? If I wasn’t related to some such person, I probably dated them at some point.

Love my father and miss him dearly, but yeah. One time, in college, I got food poisoning so badly I couldn’t drive. At the time, I drove a stick and couldn’t shift and lean out door and puke at the same time. Out of options, I asked my dad for a ride to the nearby ER. Unfortunately, he had a big date that night and I never…heard…the END of it…EVER.

Um, I asked for a ride, not a kidney. Jeez!

I Like Need to Be Needed

Didn’t y’all know that there is no inherent value for being my friend? Unless I can DO something for you? If I can cook, clean, lend money, volunteer, reorganize your sock drawer, THEN we’re cool. What other reason is there for anyone to want my company? I should be useful instead of just decorative, right?

…..right?

Man, this post feels like ripping off a Band-Aid made of duct tape, nails and sad puppies. But there it is. I wish it were different. Maybe it will be after this post. But total honesty ? My value goes up or down in relation to how much others need from me. If they don’t need anything from me, I am somehow less of a friend, ally, partner…and, yes I am well aware how cray-cray that is.

There’s a difference in enjoying that others need me and requiring it in order to justify the oxygen I consume.

Grace & Graciousness

All I can say is I’m a work in progress. I can’t change what I can’t see. Grace is a two-way street. I can’t authentically give what I won’t accept myself. When I don’t accept the kindness of others, or I feel I have to match their gesture with my own, it’s like someone handing me a gift and me trying to hand them money to pay for it.

Sort of defeats the whole purpose of giving a gift. One doesn’t PAY for a gift because then it’s no longer a GIFT.

When other people ask for help, it gives me great joy. Why, then, am I so quick to deprive them of a feeling that offers me so much pleasure?

For instance, my mom had major surgery last week. My mom originally planned for a friend to take her (then her friend’s grandchild came down with chicken pox). NOT a person one wants going into a hospital with you. I was the only good last-minute option.

Then, the hospital said Mom’s surgery would take ONE day. Aaaand she was in the hospital most of the week. But, I was happy to be there for her even though I didn’t sleep for days. I had my phone next to my head just in case the hospital called and there was an emergency or she needed me.

Now, I enjoyed driving my mom to and fro, taking care of her pets and house, making sure to bring her flowers and stock her cabinets with all the post-op food. She’s doing well and recovering, for the record.

Wouldn’t I love someone doing the same for ME? I should. Working on it. I’ll get there…probably. Maybe?

What Are Your Thoughts?

Am I the only one who should probably paper my walls with Post It Notes that read ‘IT IS OKAY TO ASK FOR HELP!’ or ‘JUST SAY THANK YOU THEN SHUT UP.’

With everything that’s gone sideways this year, it’s tough to chill. It is what it is. Roll with it. AHHHHHHH! *breathes in paper bag*

Guys, if I were anymore uptight, you could bounce me off a sheet like a quarter.

Thoughts? Feelings? Suggestions? I can’t be the ONLY person like this, so maybe y’all can share the story of a… ‘friend?’ *wink wink*

I love hearing from you, especially now. It’s easy to feel alone in normal times. These days? *whimpers*

All in all I hope, despite all the chaos we can’t control, that y’all have a wonderful, healthy, happy, safe holiday. Lots and lots of love from me! ((((HUGS))))

The post Amazing Grace: What Do We Do When We’re Our Own Worst Critic? appeared first on Kristen Lamb.

Last time we talked about this all too common word ‘busy’ and why it makes my left eye twitch. When I was writing this last post, I thought about the common idiomatic phrase we use: He was busy as a bee. I find it odd we’d choose to call bees busy. Bees are not at ALL busy.

Bees act with plan, purpose, vision, intention and have very clear goals wired into their DNA. Unlike humans, bees always know precisely why they are doing what they do day in and day out. Bees are relentless in all they do. Again, unlike humans, bees are aware that flitting flower to flower results in something tangible and essential for their survival.

Sure, when we watch bees buzz from blossom to blossom, they might appear aimless when, in fact they are anything BUT. Those little suckers are on a mission every day with single-minded purpose. Today, we’ll talk about how we can bee all we can bee.

#FunWithPuns

One: Bees Have a Clear Result in Mind

Bees operate with a clear result in mind, relentless in everything they do. All their ‘activity’ serves a singular purpose. Granted, bees do have a bit of an advantage. First, I’ve yet to encounter a bee who’d watched a single episode of Game of Thrones or lost time collecting pollen because it got distracted arguing over stupid crap on Facebook.

Bees don’t have Netflix, carpool duty, or kids who play soccer, lacrosse, and take ballet. Bees don’t need to do laundry. They’re able to buzz about in the open ‘nude’ without fear of fines for being tiny winged perverts.

I get that us ‘enlightened’ bee-ings have more ‘stuff’ that gets in the way, clouds our vision, and that can lead to a slow drifting away from our purpose. Yet, I might also challenge all of us to state what our purpose truly IS. One reason we fail to be relentless in what we do, is that we never stopped to even define what we want.

When we fail to state our core GOAL, it’s almost impossible to discern meaningful activity from fruitless distraction. This is why every success book worth reading emphasizes writing out clear and attainable goals. With no defined objective, we end up with mission drift.

Bees are relentless because they can’t afford mission drift.

If they dawdle about in the flowers, stop to buzz smack about the wasp family that moved in, and fail to return with the pollen? They die.

Some might argue that humans won’t die if they don’t fulfill their purpose, but I’d say that isn’t entirely true. Purpose is wired into humans as well. We do die, albeit in a different way. Humans with no purpose can suffer burnout, depression, exhaustion, and crippling neuroses.

If deep down you KNOW you were born to be an author, there is a very real reason your job in that cubicle makes you dread waking up every day.

Two: Bees Possess Enthusiasm for Results

Bees are able to get going every day a flower is to be found with an enthusiasm I covet. They’re relentless all day every day largely because they ‘know’ all this work will lead to a tangible (and vital) result. In our modern culture, there’s been an explosion of stress-related illnesses.

In a time where we should be healthier than ever, in many areas we’re sicker than we’ve ever been with illnesses we’ve never encountered.

Granted there are many theories and reasons why stress is taking a major toll on modernized countries, but I believe it’s because the nature of our work has changed.

Anyone who works at a computer knows it seems we’re digging a sand pit every day. We dig and dig and the more we dig, the more ‘sand’ piles in. Emails are relentless. Meetings are relentless. Demands are relentless. Drama is relentless.

We work more hours than ever before, yet rarely do we see tangible RESULTS. Money in and of itself is not enough. Without purpose, without meaningful results, something inside of us withers. Eventually, we drift because we’re unfulfilled. Being relentless has no point.

I’d like to offer these three ‘excursions’ in my life to illustrate.

Syria—Relentless for a Vision

My old neighborhood.

The day after I graduated college I boldly hopped on a plane to Damascus, Syria, eager to use all I’d learned in the university. I had grand plans, a vision, drive and purpose to improve the lives of others. Alas, what began as a dream ended up something vastly different.

I didn’t mind living in a refugee camp, having to trade with the Bedouins, or the time-consuming drudgery of having to buy nearly everything on the black market. The lack of water and showers and prevalence of rats and packs of wild dogs I could endure. Why? Because I had purpose.

Syria undid me because I so badly wanted a far different future than the one I sensed was inevitable. Hard to believe I used to live here .

Alas, despite my best efforts, it was impossible to attain meaningful results. Between having to bribe everyone and his uncle to simply keep the place open and miles of red tape, we couldn’t get to WORK. No matter how good our intentions, how relentless we worked…nothing changed.

Within only a few weeks, it became crystal clear why the owners and workers were less-than-inspired to ‘achieve more.’ With any increase in production/profit came an inevitable increase in the amount of the bribe or the number of new ‘officials’ expecting bribes as well.

I arrived a hopeless idealist and left a defeated cynic, deeply grieving the people I felt I’d somehow ‘let down.’ All that work, relentless planning, bartering, bribing and compromise…for nothing.

Mexico—Relentless for Status/Money

Image via Flikr Creative Commons courtesy of Scazon

After Syria, I decided I needed a real J-O-B. Again, paper sales. A major part of my territory was in northern Mexico, supplying the maquiladoras. Again, dirty and dangerous work…but great money, company car and an expense account!

I also had the interesting experience of stopping to use a restroom and having a chicken wander into the stall.

Who can put a price tag on THAT?

And Mexico was probably safer than most of the places I had to regularly visit. Since I sold industrial paper, I did business in the roughest areas of Houston, Dallas, El Paso and New Orleans…which I actually didn’t mind at all.

It was company politics that kept me from fulfilling promises to my customers. Deals made with upper management approval…that they later backed out on.

Again, no matter how hard I worked, there were no meaningful results. I was plagued with migraines, constantly caught pneumonia, and eventually couldn’t even drive to the office without having to stop the car and throw up.

A paycheck alone (even a really good one) couldn’t make up for feeling I was working for nothing.

After enough of this? I quit.

Belize—Relentless for…a Sidewalk

Belize was the only completely UNPAID work. I volunteered and actually PAID my own money to go help. A contractor had messed up a large expanse of sidewalk in front of the only school in this vastly remote area. Being in the jungle, it rained…a lot. The sidewalks canted inward, meaning the school was constantly flooding.

In Syria and Mexico, I used my schooling, my skills and what I was ‘trained’ to do.

Belize? I was utterly untrained to tear out faulty sidewalks and build better ones. The work was miserable. I thought I’d die from the heat (and I’m a TEXAN). Day after day I toiled in the rain, knee-deep in mud, a machete always nearby (to kill poisonous snakes).

Home Base

When I wasn’t swinging a sledgehammer, I was hauling concrete in buckets, or cutting out and replacing rebar. At the end of every day I was filthy. I was definitely unprepared for the scorpions that rained out of the shower curtain my first night trying to take a shower.

Yet, of all my excursions into dangerous, impoverished places with no modern amenities, Belize remains one of my fondest memories. Why? Because after all that suffering, there was a pristine, perfect sidewalk for the children. My relentless toil paid off in a tangible way.

Like the bee, I could work day after day no matter what because I KNEW it would pay off. There would be something worthwhile to SHOW for my efforts.

A rare moment I was CLEAN (mostly).

Three: Bees Know What Bees Do

To bee or not to bee is never the question…for bees.

Whether we like to admit it or not, much of our identity is forged by what we do. Bees have it easier because they know they are bees and know what bees are meant to do. They work with intention, know their purpose and expect the payoff.

Humans? We tend to go to extremes. We either over think or fail to think at all. In the last post I challenged all of us to ask the crucial questions. What am I doing? Why am I doing it? Do I want—whatever—for the right reasons? Have I set myself up to fail? Will this goal/dream fulfill me?

In Syria, I dreamed I’d make a meaningful difference in the lives of those at the paper plant…yet was woefully out of my depth. My failure to respect the sheer enormity of my goal (and my pride) inevitably led to defeat.

In Mexico (sales), I believed money would make me happy. That I could drive thousands of miles, work absurd hours in the most dangerous cities for the right pay.

I’d grown up wearing KMart clothes my Christmas gifts often supplied via Toys for Tots. Yet, when I worked in sales? I wore designer clothes, had a company car, an expense account…and a nervous breakdown.

Belize showed me more of my true self, what actually gave me joy. This trip also revealed why I’d met with so much failure. I’d always known I wanted to be a writer, so why wasn’t I a writer? Money, influence, approval couldn’t make up for my failure to be what I was meant to be.

Bee Brave, Bee Bold, Bee Relentless

Our lives end up cluttered, crammed with meaningless activity because we’re failing to own up to and live out our purpose. Lack of purpose (or a distorted purpose) has serious negative psychological effects.

When we work for a paycheck at a job we hate, we mask our spiritual emptiness with distractions (food, drugs, Netflix, volunteering to bake cookies when we hate baking).

To be clear, there is nothing wrong with money or wanting to make money. Yet, those truly driven by money are inherently entrepreneurs. A doctor who builds a successful name and practice and scores a slot on daytime television might be a healer but this person is a healer-entrepreneur.

Business, making money, expanding influence is part of their purpose…which is why they don’t burn out.

Conversely, think of the fine folks who endure years of schooling to become a doctor, only to ship off to Africa to risk their lives to save lives. These doctors know they are healers.

These doctors know who they are, their purpose, and that entrepreneur is not part of who they are. It’s why they’re content to sleep in a hut, not in a mansion. They are happy to drive an ancient rusted Land Rover with a winch instead of the latest luxury Land Rover with GPS and Pandora radio.

Are You a Writer? Then BEE a Writer

If deep down you know you’re a writer? Write. Confess your GOAL is to write, whether that is poems, blogs, novels, pulp fiction, screenplays, fan fiction, haiku or dirty limericks and WRITE.

Writing is what powers you up, what fulfills your purpose, the goal where you’re most likely to be relentless.

Maybe you’ll never make millions (though we’d all love to), but money isn’t your driving force. Writing is. If today I told you that you’d never make a dime off your writing, would you still write?

If you answered yes, you’re a writer.

Maybe you’ll have to keep that day job forever, BUT if you carve out time to bee what you were meant to bee, what might happen? Suddenly that day job isn’t sheer drudgery because it’s no longer your identity. The day job shifts from tedium to what FUNDS your authentic purpose, the place where you find meaning and fulfillment.

The day job becomes the pollen (money to pay bills) that makes the HONEY (time/resources to write).

Show Me the Honey!

In the end, it’s okay to be busy…like a bee. This takes time, reflection, honesty, trial, error, failure, and courage. As writers, a lot of what we do looks like that bee buzzing around blooms. We read, take classes, watch shows, study dialogue, explore and all ‘busy work’ is necessary to make the honey…and ideally the money .

***Scroll down for some classes that might help with that.

What Are Your Thoughts?

Does the dreaded day job now seem different to you? Are you writing because you love it? Are you not loving it because you’re ‘success’ metric is money? Would changing that metric maybe help you fall back in love with writing? Have you ever felt stuck? Adrift? All out of GO? Were you/are you afraid to BEE you?

We all are! So join the crazy club .

What are some of the tough questions you’ve been too ‘busy’ to even ask?

I love hearing from you!

What do you WIN? For the month of JUNE, for everyone who leaves a comment, I will put your name in a hat. If you comment and link back to my blog on your blog, you get your name in the hat twice. What do you win? The unvarnished truth from yours truly. I will pick a winner once a month and it will be a critique of the first 20 pages of your novel, or your query letter, or your synopsis (5 pages or less).

May’s winner is Stephanie Scott. Please email your 5,000 word WORD doc (12 point font, double-spaced, one-inch margins) to kristen at wana intl dot com.

Upcoming Class!

Backstory—The Yarn Behind the Book

June 8th with USA Today Best-Selling Author Cait Reynolds. We need to know our character’s past, their gols, conflicts and motivations…but don’t get crazy .

NEW CLASSES! ALL About the KICK@$$ FEMALES! 

Beyond the Princess Prodigy: Strong Females in Fantasy & Historical

Class starts the morning of 6/16/18 with USA Today Best-Selling Author Cait Reynolds 11:30 AM EST to 1:30 PM EST ($45)

Beyond Bullet-Proof Barbie: Strong Female Characters for a Modern World

The NEXT class starts the afternoon of 6/16/18 with ME, Kristen Lamb 2:00 PM EST to 4:00 MP EST ($45)

WANT DOUBLE THE DAME DANGER? Get the BUNDLE and SAVE!

Dangerous Dames Bundle: Pirate Princess to Bulletproof Barbie

Both Cait AND me for FOUR AND A HALF HOURS! Squeee! SAVE $15 for the alcohol you might need afterwards to…celebrate ($75)

***Recordings included with purchase to reduce chances of ODing on AWESOME.

The post Show Me the Honey: Three Ways to Bee Relentless appeared first on Kristen Lamb.

Busy, busy, busy. Aside from ‘parsnip‘ I’m beginning to think my new trigger word is ‘busy.’ A couple posts ago, I took on the insidious lie about us being able to ‘find time’.

There’s this generally accepted delusion that time is something we can find. No, time isn’t lost. We are. We can’t find time, we can only make time.

I bring up this notion of finding time for good reason. We tell ourselves we’d do X, if only we could find the time. Oh, but why can’t we find the time? Because we’ve been so unbelievably…busy.

Busy is an excuse, a copout, and a socially acceptable LIE. When we claim we’re ‘too busy’ we are often lying to others, ourselves or both.

***I am not counting last Friday when all our plumbing backed up into the HOUSE. I really WAS too busy to do my edits.

Yet, most of the times we claim we’re way ‘too busy’ we really aren’t. And, before anyone gets their knickers in a twist, I do this stuff, too. I’ve simply made it a point to catch myself when I use this word.

The word ‘busy’ is a red flag I’m lying about something…something probably important.

Busy Signal

Remember in ancient times when people used landlines, before call-waiting? What did we do when we didn’t want to be bothered? We took the phone off the hook so anyone trying to reach us would get a ‘busy’ signal. We used this tactic to keep other people AWAY from us.

Maybe we needed a nap. Perhaps we required quiet uninterrupted time for other more important things like doing bills, studying, enjoying a date, or arguing with a ‘loved’ one .

We might have been trying to avoid facing someone or something we felt unable to handle. Bill collectors, deadbeat exes, family members with zero concept of boundaries.

Sometimes, we’d hit a limit, and simply couldn’t face life in general. We believed with some calm, quiet and rest we’d somehow rally back, find the answers, or muster the courage. More often than not, though, we wanted to hide.

Maybe just me.

If we look at all the reasons I just listed for ‘taking the phone off the hook’ this can offer incredible insight into our modern version of this evasive maneuver. The I’ve just been so BUSY feint.

We can look at ourselves and others more honestly, which is imperative if we yearn to live intentionally.

It Isn’t That Important

As humans, we’re always ranking what is important and what isn’t. The bugger is we do this no matter what. If we let ourselves drift along on auto-pilot, our subconscious (reptile brain) will do our ranking for us.

The problem is our subconscious mind is the part of the brain known to put our keys in the fridge or toss the banana while keeping the peel.

In a nutshell, our subconscious is a smidge flaky.

When Lizard Brain makes a list, it intends to keep us ‘safe.’ If we fail to consciously choose what matters, our lizard brains will do the choosing for us. Lizard brain is wired for survival. This means Lizard GPS is pretty much always the path of least resistance.

This is how we end up prioritizing laundry, dishes, Facebook, etc. ahead of actions that will yield real results. Then, when we’re threadbare and exhausted, all we have to say for our efforts is we’ve been…busy.

Contrast this with making a conscious ranking, and it’s easy to see why we’re so happy to hand the Lizard our keys. If we made a choice to prioritize exercise, quality family time, finishing our novel, cleaning out our garage, we’d be forced to be honest with ourselves and others.

An Example

Yesterday, I attended my eldest nephew’s high school graduation. I was particularly close with this nephew when he was young. Yet, over time I saw him less and less. Despite invitations, messages and calls, I can count on one hand the times I’ve seen my nephew in the past four years (because he lives an HOUR away, not down the block anymore).

His go-to line is, ‘Sorry, Tante. I’ve just been so busy.’

***Tante is German for aunt.

The truth he either is unaware of or afraid to say? I’m a teenager and my girlfriend, school, sports, fishing, etc. is way more fun than hanging out with my middle-aged aunt.

Granted, the truth hurts, but can I really blame him? Um, yeah maybe school, sports, girlfriend and being a teenager slightly higher priority and more fun than driving an hour to hang with the middle-aged auntie .

Of course, part of me wants to remind him exactly how UN-FUN playing hours of HALO with a six-year-old really was. A six-year-old who hoarded ammo and got me killed no less than fifty times an hour. NO. A hundred!

How burying stuff in the yard and drawing treasure maps for him? Sitting in triple-digit heat for his peewee soccer games?

Yeah…not fun.

But I don’t because MY priorities have nothing to do with HIS. I was older when I chose to rank quality time with a child over whatever I found fun in 2005.

If I can see past the ‘lack of time’ facade because he is ‘so busy’ then I’m not wounded when he isn’t scheduling me in. Why? It isn’t a TIME problem at all. Granted I miss him, but that doesn’t mean I have to feel slighted by him.

Though if he thinks I’m sharing my plasma grenades with him ever again? MISTAKEN  .

Pretty Fictions & Pointy Truths

Meh, your little brother still thinks I am COOL.

Truth frees me to not take this personally. Instead of grieving ‘my nephew ignores me’ *sniff sniff*, it’s simply I’m not high on his list (likely not on it at all). This liberates me from chasing someone who doesn’t rank our relationship on the list of priorities.

***Leaves me more time to work on the younger one who always loved me MORE .

Seriously, my eldest nephew’s young and maturity hopefully will change his priorities. Make hanging out with me ‘cool’ again.

Overall, the point is that it isn’t personal.

My nephew tells me he’s busy because that’s easier, kinder, more polite than the truth. Control is not love. His priorities don’t have to be the same as mine.

Sure, I could use the guilt card (*cough* Remember HALO?) but then I’m forcing MY way. I’m juking the relational algorithm, which is known as manipulation.

FYI: Nothing good really ever comes out of manipulation.

Why families, friendships, relationships, etc. end up in drama is when we accept ‘busy’ at face value. We try harder because we cling to a lack of time being the core issue instead of the truth…we aren’t a priority.

Remember Dating?

How I wish I’d have understood all this when I was young. I remember going on a date, believing it went well because he said he’d call tomorrow.

Then days would pass with no call, no plans for another date. If I ran into this person, usually there was some rambling talk about so much work and blah blah blah and being busy.

It wasn’t me AT ALL, just they were BUSY. They would totally call…soon.

No, they had no intention of calling. Some were simply too chicken to say, Was real, was fun, but not real fun. Ghosting me was easier (Reptile move for sure) and ‘busy’ an easy out when forced into confrontation.

For others, ‘busy’ was a solid tactic to keep me hopeful. If the ‘busy’ hook worked, then the guy could always keep me in the wings as a backup. In case the girl he really liked said no to going out, Kristen would be waiting on that call.

As I matured and began to recognize the ‘busy’ feint, I moved on. This kept me from chasing guys who were too chicken or too selfish/greedy to be honest. I finally gained enough confidence (and wisdom) to grasp that, if a guy was really into me, he’d move heaven and earth to MAKE time.

And this is how I met my wonderful husband! Because I stopped filling my time with guys who weren’t that wild about me, I made room for the one guy who was completely crazy about me (and still is 10 years later) .

Busy is no excuse.

Yet, beyond dating, how many of us invite unnecessary pain by accepting ‘busy’? The boss who is ‘too busy’ to look at your ideas, the friend who is ‘too busy’ to call, the partner who is ‘too busy’ to help?

Deep down we know the truth (but are afraid of it) and this is why we end up defeated, wounded, anxious, neurotic, etc. If we got honest, we might change jobs, change friends, or change habits, but that’s a lot of work and kinda scary.

Okay, a LOT scary.

Willing vs. Unwilling

Thus far, Lizard has been making the lists. Time to take control. First of all, allowing others to use the ‘busy’ card, gives us a pass on confrontation. Our culture has made confrontation to be some horrible thing to be avoided at all costs. Confrontation has been made synonymous with fighting and anger.

Patently FALSE.

Confrontation really is a matter of willing versus unwilling.

If others are ‘too busy’ then let them be busy. Move on. If things change, and they truly value ‘whatever’ they’ll call. Yet, if they don’t, we’ve already let it go (along with all the feelings of rejection).

So far we’ve talked a lot about others. Now, what about us? When we consciously rank what is a priority and what isn’t, expect pain. We will have to choose the pain of what we want later over the thrill of what’s easy NOW.

Oh, and we’ll need to learn to invoke the NO.

Consciously choosing what is important keeps us out of the spiral of ‘I Suck.’ I don’t have six-pack abs and 12% body fat because I am unwilling to live in a gym and measure all my food. Thus, if I am UNWILLING to do these things, then I need to be okay with my relatively fit but fluffy self.

If I claim I’m WILLING to do all it takes to be a successful author (meaning actually sell books), then the ‘I’m too busy’ to write, take classes, build a platform, etc. doesn’t fly anymore.

Are You Willing?

My approach to building a brand and platform is not sexy, exciting and doesn’t magically sell a bazillion books overnight. I created a system that worked with what I was willing and UNWILLING to do.

I am WILLING to be patient and invest long-term building relationships. Totally willing to strengthen my writing skills (via blogging and books).

Conversely, I’m unwilling to hustle harder than an multi-level marketer crossed with a Jehovah’s Witness. I’m also unwilling to build my platform’s FOUNDATION anywhere I am not fully in control (ergo why I’m a fan of the blog and don’t trust Facebook).

I’m unwilling to automate, because I don’t like spam and am unwilling to serve it to others. I choose not to focus on promotions and ads and marketing because if it means even MORE work?

In life, I’m willing to be relentless, work hard, and do my best. I’m unwilling to do this at the expense of my integrity, my peace, my family and my friends.

This might mean I won’t have an immaculate home.

*heavy sigh*

But now, instead of whirling down the ‘I Suck’ spiral, I can be more at ease. I’m unwilling to give up choice writing time and make my family a neurotic mess…all to have a Good Housekeeping picture-perfect house.

I’m not lazy or a slob or not trying hard enough and I am certainly NOT too ‘busy.’ I simply have decided what I’m willing and unwilling to pursue. For me? Reading and taking more classes and writing and honing my skills is more important than having a Martha Stewart house or being a 44-year-old fitness model.

So, yoga pants covered in cat fur it is!

In the End

Really? Can I come out then?

Once we face the truth (or fiction) of busy, we can let go of a lot of needless baggage. Life crises aside, generally we aren’t too busy to finish the novel, have buns of steel, or a shabby-chic perfect house if we truly want those things.

We aren’t too busy to call that old friend, we’re simply unwilling to get sucked into drama. We’re now willing to see we were never too busy. We were too sad, afraid, ashamed to face this person we care about is actually toxic.

Obviously the list could go on and on. What I hope to impress on y’all is we all can fall for the ‘busy’ without asking the next question. Are we really too busy, or do we suck at saying no and setting boundaries?

Do we really WANT that promotion, new car, hot body, Pinterest-worthy home, or best-selling book?

If we stopped and asked the next logical questions, we might realize we don’t want what we claim we do. Not really. And that is okay.

Once we let that go, we can stop the incessant inner narrative that tells us how much we suck. When I hear myself use the ‘busy’ feint, this is a HUGE road flare to stop and evaluate.

Am I ACTUALLY too busy? Or have I let Lizard do too much driving? Am I afraid, tired, failing to set and enforce boundaries, not being honest about what I want and don’t want?

Are there people, problems, hardships I need to confront but can’t because I lack courage, will, wisdom? Am I ‘taking life off the hook’ and giving the ‘busy signal’ to buy time? Is this a warning I need more rest?

It’s okay, we’re all (mostly) human here .

Frankly, life is too short to be busy.

I don’t know about y’all but who wants THIS headstone?

‘Here Lies Kristen: She Was Busy’

What Are Your Thoughts?

Do you see ‘busy’ in a new way? Guilty of taking life off the hook to buy time so you could DEAL? *raises hand here* Have you wasted time chasing people, dreams, goals when a nice long pause might have saved a ton of grief?

Have you taken time to ask what you want and why? And do you really want it?

Does the idea of willing and unwilling help clarify? Maybe we aren’t as lazy, untalented, slow, etc. as we thought? Perhaps, when viewed through a different lens, we aren’t doing all too shabby.

Sure, my house is covered in cat fur, but my kid is fun and loving and kind!

I love hearing from you!

What do you WIN? For the month of JUNE, for everyone who leaves a comment, I will put your name in a hat. If you comment and link back to my blog on your blog, you get your name in the hat twice. What do you win? The unvarnished truth from yours truly. I will pick a winner once a month and it will be a critique of the first 20 pages of your novel, or your query letter, or your synopsis (5 pages or less).

May’s winner announced next post!

Upcoming Class

Backstory—The Yarn Behind the Book

June 8th with USA Today Best-Selling Author Cait Reynolds. We need to know our character’s past, their gols, conflicts and motivations…but don’t get crazy .

NEW CLASSES! ALL About the KICK@$$ FEMALES! 

Beyond the Princess Prodigy: Strong Females in Fantasy & Historical

Class starts the morning of 6/16/18 with USA Today Best-Selling Author Cait Reynolds 11:30 AM EST to 1:30 PM EST ($45)

Beyond Bullet-Proof Barbie: Strong Female Characters for a Modern World

The NEXT class starts the afternoon of 6/16/18 with ME, Kristen Lamb 2:00 PM EST to 4:00 MP EST ($45)

WANT DOUBLE THE DAME DANGER? Get the BUNDLE and SAVE!

Dangerous Dames Bundle: Pirate Princess to Bulletproof Barbie

Both Cait AND me for FOUR AND A HALF HOURS! Squeee! SAVE $15 for the alcohol you might need afterwards to…celebrate ($75)

***Recordings included with purchase to reduce chances of ODing on AWESOME.

The post Busy: A Small Word Sending a HUGE Distress Signal appeared first on Kristen Lamb.

We are now in 2018 and the months ahead are like a fresh notebook. January marks a new start, another chance to go after our dreams and goals. It is human to long for success, yet success can be highly vexing and even more elusive. Why? Simple. We must understand the success paradox or all our noble intentions, our planning, our goals are doomed to fizzle or fail.

Obey the Law

Whether we like it or not, there are underlying forces we can’t see and don’t fully understand that dictate our reality. Certain laws govern behaviors, patterns, habits, causes and yes effects. Understand the laws and work within their confines, and objectives become far easier to obtain.

Laws matter in many areas of life and we dismiss them at our peril. Seriously. Can you imagine NASA ignoring the laws of physics when launching a rocket into space? Or engineers ‘winging it’ while constructing a high-rise? What if pharmaceutical companies just let scientists mix whatever they wanted in a lab heedless to the laws governing chemistry?

Un-pretty.

I Believe I Can Fly

What’s funny is so many folks will balk at any mention of laws that govern success as a bunch of self-affirmation silliness. Yet these same people have no problem flying in airplanes, taking pictures with their phones, or downloading an app from a satellite…that is IN SPACE.

WITCHES! Burn them!

Just because we don’t see or yet understand a law doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. It also doesn’t mean these hidden laws are not fundamentally impacting you or me in a positive or negative way. The paradox of success can make us or break us and we need to get over having to understand everything before we give something a go. Seeing is NOT always believing.

There are plenty of ‘things’ we can’t see that can and will kill us. We can’t see Cesium 137 but I don’t recommend camping trips near Chernobyl.

Some forces are invisible and can only be realized, measured or understood via causation.

What is the Success Paradox?

First, a paradox is a premise that appears absurd or even contradictory to ideas most people accept to be true. If we extend this idea, it means that what’s most commonly thought to be ridiculous regarding success is often the best (or only) way to reach and maintain our goals.

I get it is a brain-bender, but just chillax and we’ll unpack this.

First, just because something appears to make no logical sense doesn’t mean it’s therefore untrue. It means the concept is simply a paradox we’ve yet to fully unlock.

Secondly, if we want to reach our dreams—whatever those dreams may be—then we need to embrace the success paradox and do what’s necessary even when we don’t understand.

If we keep trudging the same path that ‘makes sense’ then it only ‘makes sense’ we’ll end up right in the same spot this time next year. Same list. Same resolutions. Perhaps a different plan but still bewildered why we can’t seem to break free of the cycle.

Hey, I am pointing one finger at you and three at me. We are in this together .

We must master our thoughts and words or remain enslaved to mediocrity and toxic beliefs. To be clear. NO. I don’t believe we can just believe we’ll be millionaires and money will rain from the sky. Nor do I believe if we simply claim we are already a New York Times best-selling author it magically will happen by Tuesday.

Um, we kind of need to write the book.

To fully embrace the success paradox, however, it’s necessary to reset your brains for 2018, clean out the cache, and maybe even wipe the drive and start anew.

What’s Your Programming?

If I handed you a computer you believed was pristine and functional, yet it was loaded with hidden viruses and malware, would that possibly impact your results?

Think about it.

You obediently sit at your desk and use this infected computer day after day believing you’re doing a great job. Working hard! To your great vexation, however, everything you print out is an unreadable disaster.

Thus, you dedicate more hours, learn to type ten times faster and still everything the computer prints is a mess. You take computer classes, read books, and go to computer seminars. You have a NEW plan! Yet, you return to work using the computer loaded with malware.

The screen freezes, your documents vanish and your pages all print in Pig Latin instead of English. So you buy a new computer and transfer all your files to the new computer, but the same thing keeps happening!

No matter how many hours you work, the programs lock up even on the new computer. The printouts are a mess and all attachments are unreadable.

Sigh. Maybe you decide it’s time to get an MFA, MBA, or a DOA. Clearly you’re just destined to fail. You aren’t a ‘real’ writer after all.

Or….

GET RID OF THE MALWARE!

Taking a Quantum Leap

I’m a total science nerd. One reason I believe many of the personal success tenets are so easily dismissed is that these ‘laws’ dictate cause and effect from the quantum scale. Meaning these principles operate in a realm that doesn’t obey laws we’re familiar with in our macro world.

When particles get small enough, these little buggers simply give no figs about how big particles act or react. Strange force does its own thing, and doesn’t take a popularity poll. This is a world very sensitive to wavelengths and energy (refer to Casimir effect) and they have their own laws…or we think they do (science still working on this).

We also are understanding more and more about memory and how what we think about or talk about impacts the human brain. Neuroscientists have an adage that neurons that fire together wire together. 

The more we think about something the stronger the wiring becomes. Talk about it? Wiring gets stronger. Add in kinesthetic layer (I.e. practice)? WAY stronger.

Thinking and talking about writing a novel is great. Actually writing one? Even a bad one? WAY BETTER. Thinking and talking about learning to play an instrument is good. Practicing? MUCH BETTER.

This is because the brain contains Glial cells, which have been called the gardeners of the brain. These cells water, fertilize and strengthen certain neurological connections.

Other Glial cells—known as ‘microglial cells—are in charge of cleanup. Unused thoughts, skills, or knowledge are the brain’s detritus. Microglial cells rake up the dead leaves, prune the dead branches and pull weeds.

Ever wonder why you can’t recall Algebra II or remember who or what started the Franco-Prussian War even though school dedicated a lot of time to this stuff? It’s because—unless you work a job requiring you to use Algebra II or apply European history—your microglial cleanup crew gathered up all these factoids into a mind mulch pile or bagged them for recycling.

Creating Our Reality

Why did I dedicate time to discussing quantum rules and Glial cells? Because this is fundamental to grasping the success paradox and to challenge you that maybe just maybe there is something real (and scientifically sound) to this ‘happy thoughts fluff.’

It’s the New Year and generally two camps will surface. One side will jump and shout and push positive affirmations, visualization and manifestation. The other side will tout that positive affirmations are a bunch of bunk and hard work is all we need.

Yet plenty of positive people never have anything to show for happy thoughts. With no plan, no action or unfocused action, the fruits of Happy Thoughts Only Club is eventually a) a person with a reputation as a total flake to avoid at all cost or b) a promising talent who ended up bitter and disillusioned after years of nothing to show for all the positive thoughts.

Simultaneously, countless ‘hard workers’ dismiss that ‘Hippie Guru Positive Manifestation Crappola’ and truly believe elbow grease is all that matters. Yet, with stinking thinking, after a while, they feel trapped on Hell’s Hamster Wheel. The only fruit for their hard work and sacrifice is burnout, bitterness, defeatism and loneliness.

Nature Abhors a Vacuum

It’s impossible for us to believe in nothing. Nothing is a vacuum and what do we know about vacuums? Something will rush in to fill that space. Thus, if something is going to fill that space between our ears, why not be deliberate about it and make it something good? If we’re passive and let whatever wants to fall into our brains take root, then expect more weeds than fruit trees.

Why are thoughts so important? Maybe you’ve heard this quote or some variation.

Watch your thoughts, they become words. Watch your words, they become actions. Watch your actions, they become habits. Watch your habits, they become character. Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.

                                                                               ~Frank Outlaw (Late President of the Bi-Lo Stores)

Back to those Glial cells. They will help the success paradox make more sense.

What Are We Planting/Pruning?

If we constantly think about all the ways we will/could fail, mull over our fears, and ruminate over every instance of bad luck or times people wronged us…then these are the thoughts in our minds.

When we speak constant doom and gloom, our words and thoughts signal the Glial cells to reinforce those bad memories and defeatist attitudes. Toxic beliefs act like the malware we discussed earlier. Thoughts and words literally alter our brains’ programming. This ‘negative programming’ then corrupts all we ‘produce’ (actions, habits, results).

Why?

The human brain has no opinions. It simply does as it’s told.

If we grouse, complain and rehash every time life went sideways, those memories and beliefs become stronger and stronger…at the very literal expense of the good.

The Glials rush to reinforce all the memories of when we were victims, times we screwed up, the pain of failure, and the hurtful memories of people (probably family) who told us we sucked or didn’t deserve anything.

Our Glial cells will dutifully buttress the list of the hundred ways we are ‘not enough’…which we then speak aloud either in self-criticism or with friends who also like to gripe and complain. This talking, in turn, will make the Glials work even harder to strengthen those ‘ideas’ since they must be important because we think and talk about them so much.

But what a heavy price to pay…

Stinking Thinking

This is your brain on b*tching.

When we adopt stinking thinking, we unwittingly signal the Glials to make all things bad and self-defeating stronger. Simultaneously, we signal microglials to clean up the ‘trash.’ Problem is, we’re unintentionally directing the Glials to keep the weeds, crabgrass and stickers and instructing the microglials to dig up the roses, fruit trees, and flowers and bag ’em.

Thus, the microglials clip steadily away at countless positive memories, feelings and beliefs. Clip, clip, clip. Bit by bit microglials snip away all the good times, the blessings, the joys, the triumphs and pile them on the cerebral mulch pile.

What are we drawing from to create our reality? A garden or a landfill?

Manifestation

The success paradox helps us realize we can only get from life what we sow into it. Plant a field of poison ivy seeds and that’s what we’ll get. People near us won’t break out in the itchies, they’ll break out in the bitchies .

Think and talk negatively long enough and eventually we’ll find ourselves depressed, wracked with fear, expecting the worst. We’ll self-sabotage in countless ways and our outer world will gradually mirror our inner world.

How?

First, who wants to hang around someone who complains nonstop? Ungrateful people are not a lot of fun. Folks who only can see the bad are unappealing to healthy people but like catnip to losers.

I can say this because I’m a Recovering Debbie Downer. When I was a super negative person, guess what kind of ‘friends’ I had?

Other negative people who shared my favorite hobby…complaining.

If a healthy person came near me and genuinely said I had talent, potential, or skill I pushed them away because their ‘Happy-Joy-Joy-BS’ didn’t line up with my mental programming that I was a hack. Surely they could see the 9,000 ways I totally sucked! It’s all I saw. Who could trust a person that blind? What was their angle? O_o

Is it any wonder I felt trapped and defeated? Since reaching our dreams involves the success paradox—which are behaviors and thoughts that seem to make ZERO sense—I was to fearful to even TRY.

Dare to Be Different

Now let’s flip this. Just because a story starts out badly doesn’t make it automatically a tragedy. It’s how the story finishes that determines if it is a story of triumph or tragedy.

We control our story, but it will take work and intention and probably a lot of feeling silly. Remember the success paradox will seem to make no sense, which is why I needed to help you understand why your mind is going to be critical in the year to come.

Only someone deliberate can embrace then DO the counterintuitive actions necessary to reach higher and higher levels of achievement. The success paradox runs counter to what the world believes is true. Regular people will think we are insane and, in a sense, we are because normal is just another word for average.

Do what average people do, and welcome to average.

The success paradox maintains down is up and up is down because it, too, is a Strange Force. Want more wealth? Let go of money. Want more love? Give more love. Want more peace? Create stronger boundaries. Long for joy, be a blessing. Providence can only move after WE do. Open the hand and only THEN can it be filled.

Exercises:

Today was a longer post. Think of it as wiping the hard drive to make way for all the good stuff in the year to come. We can’t have anything good with corrupted files hanging around. We will talk more about the success paradox but to get rid of malware we need to locate it so we can delete/overwrite it.

Exercise One—Reflect on what you want, then articulate WHY you want it. If you want more wealth, why? If you want to sell more books, why? If you want to be a mega-author, why? If you want to be debt-free, why? If you want to be in better health, why? Y’all get the gist.

Exercise Two—Once you articulate what you want and why, think of people who already have what you want. Without over thinking, what is your first emotional reaction? BE HONEST. If you see someone in the house of your dreams, how do you feel? Or someone your age with a super fit body? Someone your age worth millions? What is your first emotional response?

Exercise Three—If you want to be rich, what do you actually believe about rich people? If you want to be a NYT Best-Selling Author, what do you believe about them? If you want to be fit, trim and healthy, what do you believe about those who are fit?

No judgement and no need to put in comments, but answering these questions honestly will help you get more out of the posts to come .

What Are Your Thoughts?

Do you want success but deep down really don’t believe it is for you? Maybe you don’t deserve it? Did you grow up in a home that fostered a lot of negative thinking? Did this explanation help the idea of affirmations and positive thinking seem less like fluff and more substantial for you? Do you have self-defeating habits and now see your thought life might be partly to blame?

Are you also a Recovering Debbie Downer? I still struggle. Every day is a challenge to will myself to be positive, especially lately. Been flattened with bronchitis and it was horrible!

Not so much being sick but I felt lazy and was beating myself up for being a slacker. I HAD A 101.5 FEVER! But, I am a work in progress too. In my family, resting=lazy. You’re sick? Fine, fold socks.

Come on, this is more than a blog, it’s free group therapy

I love hearing from you and am not above bribery!

What do you WIN? For the month of JANUARY, for everyone who leaves a comment, I will put your name in a hat. If you comment and link back to my blog on your blog, you get your name in the hat twice. What do you win? The unvarnished truth from yours truly. I will pick a winner once a month and it will be a critique of the first 20 pages of your novel, or your query letter, or your synopsis (5 pages or less).

ALSO, NEW CLASS TONIGHT! 

The Art of Character: How to Craft Dimensional ‘People’ in Fiction

Instructor: Kristen Lamb
Price: $45 USD
Where: W.A.N.A. Digital Classroom
When: January 4th, 2018 7:00 P.M. EST—9:00 P.M. EST

No matter what genre we write, the key to writing unforgettable stories always rests with character. How do we create intriguing characters who hook readers and never let them go? What makes a character unforgettable? How do we write stories that endure?

It is easy to fall into tropes and caricatures if we lack a fundamental understanding of human nature and how this plays out in the dramatic narrative. This class will delve into how to add depth to our characters which will, in turn add, resonance with our plot.

This class will cover:

• Discovering Wounds;
• Understanding Coping Mechanisms;
• How Wounds Collide to Increase Dramatic Tension
• How to Create Dimensional Characters
• Using Character to Plot

***A FREE recording is included with purchase.

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So…Kristen locked all the blog doors. She even locked the blog’s ground floor windows. HOWEVER, she forgot that I am a rock climber! I just did a little dyno, a little manteling, and a little down-climbing, and I was in. And she thought I couldn’t do this on a road trip!

*evil cackle*

Anyway, once I was in, past the lasers and over the alligator traps, I promptly went downstairs and opened the door for Kim, who will be here next Friday…since we now have a new feature: GIRL FRIDAY (well until Kristen figures out how to truly evict us. Squatters are crafty ).

For now, we are basically Girl Friday to Kristen Lamb to assist in her plans for global domination and after all the Wednesdays hanging out here, we got comfy.

I don’t have a picture of Denny Basenji today because I am (technically) on vacation. Which means, as a self-employed writing instructor, editor, and writer, I LAUGH AT THE CONCEPT OF RELAXATION! Let’s examine how I have turned two weeks at the beach in North Carolina into…

THE HOLIDAY TRAV-L-PARK WRITER’S CONFERENCE

Don’t hate me because it’s beautiful.

No, really, this is work. It’s like any other conference. For example:

The Accommodations. Trailer homes or BYOC (bring your own camper)

Shuttle transportation. And just like shuttles, zippy and tippy, depending on the speed and driver (*shifty eyes*)

Just like any conference. There’s a bar and a pool where you can hang out and network because we all know that networking is what makes drinking and arguing over whether zombies could take out Klingons a “work-related activity” #businessexpense.

The bar. If you want wine, you have to go to the expensive side of the convenience store.

The pool. And just like every crowded hotel conference, not a shade umbrella to be had…

I don’t know about you, but I always imagine I’m going to have SOOOO much time to work and write after the day’s sessions are done. I pack all kinds of notebooks, books, etc. in anticipation of enormous bouts of productivity. Yet, I always seem to end up dragged (okay, so, it’s more like static cling) into shenanigans that teeter on the edge of legal. For example:

I built a sand castle instead of reading background material for a WIP. BUT this wasn’t just any old sand castle! I put extra fortification around the foundations so it was impervious to sapeurs! #nerdatthebeach #youshouldhaveseenmyneolithicsettlement

There were some good moments of inspiration and crafting breakthroughs.

For example, I discovered how to do a travel-size version of my “Serial Killer Wall of Plotting.” The citronella candle is to keep away the mosquitoes who insist on texting during the sessions.

I’ve also made good progress on my TBR pile.

Missing one book. The cabana boy (erm, my husband) took one of the books with him to the beach.

One of the most enjoyable parts of any conference, however, is always meeting the fellow attendees and making new friends.

Yes, there is an indoor shower, but why not shower under the sun, sky, and trees…especially when you get to converse with…

This little guy! (I was in the middle of a shower, so I couldn’t get an actual photo of him). He was perched on top of my shampoo bottle and made some rather pointed comments about how I need to use more conditioner. (“Tree Squirrel Frog” Photo by duggiehoo on DeviantArt)

I also ran into an old friend, which one tends to do at these events.

Miss North Carolina Blue-Tailed Skink and I go way, way back. It’s always nice to catch up with friends you wouldn’t see anywhere else but at a conference! (Photo: Wikipedia)

Don’t forget the SWAG!

And they say I don’t think of you…

Finally, like most conferences, there’s always an element of dress-up and costuming.

Personally, I am jazzed for any occasion that allows me to break out my parasol.

In all seriousness, despite the books and notes and that my brain never shuts up with story ideas, getting away and out of the HOUSE is actually essential for creativity. No, we may not crank out two thousand words a day like we planned the day we left for the con, but that’s cool.

We gain so much more.

Friendships, XP points, and a little R&R goes a long way. Sometimes writer’s block might just be code for “Take a vaca. Like, NOW.” That vaca might be a beach or, if you are Kristen, an extra hour at the grocery store wandering the aisles in search of new GF foods.

Take a drive, a walk, or watch a movie in an actual theater. GASP! I  know, movie tickets are expensive but you have my permission to sneak in your nibblies.

Thing is, a break is a break and we need to snag ’em where we find ’em!

Trust me. Your muse will thank you.

Next week, Kim Alexander will be back and actually share some useful insights about writing as opposed to this brief yet colorful order to CHILL THE HELL OUT.

RELAX.

And enjoy your weekend. It is an order *stern face*

Oh and while you are enjoying your weekend, give yourself an additional challenge. REST. To parlay off Kristen’s last post, Invoke the No, this is a great way to exercise that flabby or maybe even atrophied NO muscle.

Say NO to the gazillion tiny demands of others, chores you will do out of mindless habit or spineless obedience. Tasks and chores you won’t likely remember by the next week.

Meaningful NOs free up space for the YES to something fun.

Which is hard. I get it. Baby steps. Maybe you can meet Kristen at the grocery store. She finds it relaxing…whatever *rolls eyes*

In the end, when we refuse to relax and have fun and chain ourselves to the “busy”…this is what we look like.

Actual Footage of Writers Who Won’t Rest…

Anyway, it’s time for me to head out to the beach…erm…I mean, another conference session *waves*

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