Self-discipline usually is one of those terms most people use in January when hastily scribbling out New Year’s Resolutions. Of course, that was before 2020 came along and tore a hole in the space-time continuum.

Every day is now Monduesday. Ketchup is a vegetable and the past seven months have been like the IRS, TSA, and DMV came together and created their own version of the most un-fun mandatory Halloween EVER.

***The kind where NO ONE gives you candy, only hand sanitizer and a hard time.

It’s been a weird year for everyone in the world. Most people have had their lives totally upended.

I’ve been working from home for going on twenty years and homeschooling for almost four. One would think I would have a major advantage and be doing smashingly! Nope. Even I’ve been going bonkers.

Yes, even though I’m an introvert who enjoys alone time, my world has gone down a rabbit hole. For someone who used to excel at self-discipline, it’s become like trying to swim laps in a pool of quicksand. Me, being the curious person I am decided to ask…

Why?

Self-Discipline Isn’t Just About Self

I wrote a post back in April, The Truth About Introverts & Why the Quarantine is Hard on Us, Too. There’s a lot of misunderstanding about introverts. People tend to think that, out of everyone, the introverts would be doing AMAZING with shut-downs, quarantines, lockdowns, etc., but (barring some rare exceptions) that’s far from true.

Feel free to click on the blog to learn more about my theories, and I talk about the extroverts, too. Most people are a mixture of both (ambiverts). Pure introverts and pure extroverts usually cannot function in society.

This said, I think self-discipline is a sort of misnomer in my POV. Yes, WE are ultimately responsible for ourselves, but as the poet John Donne so eloquently put it:

No man is an island entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main..

Devotions Upon Emergent Occasions and Seuerall Steps in my Sickness- Meditation XVII, 1624

Humans are biologically wired to be social creatures. Thus, I feel that a lot of developing self-discipline, strengthening, and maintaining self-discipline hinges on human connection.

Relationships, peer pressure, healthy competition and social interaction all help us create stability and strengthen healthy habits and routines.

Self-Discipline & Routine

I believe a lot of us are struggling with self-discipline because, first of all, a lot of the systems that built routines into our lives as a matter of course have been disrupted or even dismantled.

As I’ve already mentioned, I’ve worked from home for years. Until 2020, a lot of people were envious of me (and couldn’t understand why I would actually be envious of them).

There is something to be said for getting up at a certain time, clocking into a physical space that is NOT your home, working, clocking out, then going to the gym, going home, or whatever.

There is a delineation in your time. When systems that once used to be separated suddenly get tossed into a blender—work, cleaning house, working out, doing bills, schooling kids, cooking, spiritual activity—it’s a battle.

Routine is one of the best ways to develop self-discipline muscles.

A great example is going to the gym.

The hardest part really isn’t the working out, it’s the walking through the door. Once inside, we see other people, we feel the rush, the heathy peer pressure and we’re golden. The trick is to keep doing it, to build a system that feeds that routine.

Add in Social Accountability

I believe self-discipline is becoming harder than it’s ever been because it really is more and more self-discipline.

Going it alone, as in ALL alone is a rare quality. Social accountability makes self-discipline a lot easier. Think about trying to do yoga at home versus being in the middle of a yoga class.

You’re more likely to finish the 45 minute class, because you don’t want to be the one person punking out ten minutes in. Even if you simply curl up in child pose, you’ll stay to avoid the walk of shame criss-crossing through everyone’s mats.

Maybe just me.

We are actually capable of a lot more than we realize, and often give up way too quickly. The whole NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) proves this every year when regular everyday people rise to the challenge and write 50,000 words in a month.

Social accountability not only keeps us from tapping out when we really could do more, but it can also spark us to do MORE because of good old fashioned competitive FUN.

We Are Not Alone

Back in the olden days, writing was a very solitary profession. This was why I started the whole W.A.N.A. movement first on Twitter as a hashtag, then Facebook, and finally I just created my own site on NING, W.A.N.A.Tribe.

***W.A.N.A. stands for We Are Not Alone, btw.

Initially, I created these groups on social media because writers were terrified to be on-line (but that was really only a side benefit). The real reason I created community was because I understood a) that peer pressure was amazing when it came to developing self-discipline and b) no writer stood a chance of ever making it unless they could keep butt in seat long enough to finish the books .

Peer pressure gives accountability.

When you’re brand new and wanting to start a blog or write a novel and you’re all on your own, it’s tough. I know, because that’s how I began. Once I joined a local writing group, I started taking my writing more seriously.

But, after a few years, I outgrew even that and needed more.

Eventually, I got away from running the W.A.N.A. groups on Twitter and Facebook because there was just too much distraction, data-mining, spam, and drama.

I pay for W.A.N.A.Tribe out of my own pocket because I want people to have a safe space free from ads, spammers, drama, trolls, and distraction. We’ve been meeting in the chat section 5 days a week every week all year long for over six years now.

We do one-hour sprints where you can write, research, blog, do laundry, homeschool your kids, cook dinner, plot global domination using genetically enhanced sea monkeys, whatever.

Sure, it’s mostly for writing, but we all know that being a writer involves a LOT more than putting words on a page.

We go for an hour, then when we call time, you report what you accomplished. This is when we chat for a bit, laugh, joke, encourage one another, then we go again. And, like my gym or yoga example, between the structure, focused time, and peer pressure, you’ll be SHOCKED how much more your are capable of doing when you add in these additional factors.

Every year that we’ve had NaNoWriMo participants, we’ve had over 90% completion (usually 100%) and in record time. Shortest was 50,000 words in 11 days. It’s amazing what we are capable of with a team cheering us on.

This said, in this weird year, checking in at The Tribe has been one of the few things that’s kept any semblance of order in my life. But I won’t lie, it has STILL been really tough.

Self-Discipline Together

Self-discipline should feel good. I know 2020 feels like we’ve been strapped to Hell’s Tilt-A-Whirl and everything feels out of control. But, hard life fact here? Control is an illusion anyway.

So chill. Breathe. Find a couple areas where you can start and realize you are not alone. You’re human. Bad news? No one else can do this self-discipline thing FOR you. Great news? We can do it WITH you!

We might all be texting and zooming and meeting on-line, but this too shall pass and WE ARE NOT ALONE.

What Are Your Thoughts? I LOVE Hearing From You!

I know the whole W.A.N.A. Tribe thing sounds like an ad. I don’t make any money off any of y’all hopping in and telling us you’re gonna do some laundry in the next hour, finish painting the hallway, or outline your next romance. It’s a service I’ve been paying for since 2012.

I get the JOY of being on your team and knowing maybe I can help y’all add back some STRUCTURE into this crazy, crazy world.

That, and we do have a lot of fun.

What are your thoughts? Have you had a tougher time being self-disciplined? Do you think it has to do with our world having everything either closed down or closed off or the hours all weird? That the metrics we’d used for so long just went out the window and we’re trying to recalibrate? Maybe we are isolated and that’s jacking us up?

What are your ideas? Suggestions? I’d love different thoughts or angles. Because Halloween candy for breakfast will only cut it until the Reeses cups are gone…

The post Self-Discipline: Can’t Someone Else Just Do This FOR Us? appeared first on Kristen Lamb.

Finding our focus has never been easy. Many of us have always lacked direction and fallen short on “clarity.” We’d multitasked ourselves into a daily fugue state long before COVID and quarantines and Zoom upended our lives.

Time somehow seeped through an unseen hole, leaking away one errand, email, trip, chore, or event at a time.

Ironically, I wrote a blog post Quiet: Have We Forgotten to Be Still in a World That Never Stops? back in February.

Um, so yeah. Oops. #CarefulWhatYouWishFor

Yet, to be blunt? At the time I wrote that blog, our Normal meant living life strapped to Hell’s Tilt-A-Whirl every…single…day. That is NOT healthy. We needed rest, quiet time and peace, yet we were threadbare and run ragged.

I apologize for not posting for a while. It’s been VERY odd, especially since I’ve posted religiously no matter what for almost fourteen years. Suffice to say, this year—which started with yet another death in the family—had me ground down and exhausted. I seriously needed a sabbatical to recharge.

Moving on…

Focus & The “New” Normal

So maybe we’ve had enough “quiet time.” We miss getting out, socializing, and long for the days when shopping for groceries didn’t require sanitizer, gloves, face masks, eye-balling six feet for social distancing, and a canteen of holy water.

Alas, there are a handful of phases or words guaranteed to make me twitchy. One is this idea of a “new normal.” First of all, every day is a “new normal.” The entire GOAL of human civilization is to change, ideally for the better.

If we aren’t changing, we’re dying.

That aside? Normal doesn’t exist, other than as a setting on the dryer. And when I hear others (and myself) bemoaning all the changes and trials and wanting to “get back to normal,” I cringe. NO. I don’t want things back the way they used to be, namely because I believe we can do better.

COVID and everything that’s gone with it sure has been a trial. Some have suffered terrible losses, hardships and/or setbacks. But I refuse to endure these tests and tribulations only to go BACK.

Because what was BACK THERE wasn’t all that great.

Nostalgia can be misleading. It’s like that ex we keep returning to because we keep forgetting WHY we dumped the @$$hat in the first place.

Nostalgia can lure us to focus on only what was good, and forget what was broken. Nostalgia cajoles us into dismissing why we were burned out, stressed out and ready to crack.

Since we don’t have a time machine, we’re in this together.

If we focus on all “we’ve lost” then that’s wasted effort that only makes us feel crummy and powerless. We can’t undo what is done, but we can assess, adapt and overcome. THAT is active, offers us agency, and a reason to hope.

Where the Mind Goes, Man Follows

When I first started toying with the idea of writing professionally, I had an idea for a book set in Monte Carlo, with the Formula 1 Monaco Grand Prix as a backdrop. Being bold and brassy, I somehow talked my way into some of the inner circles of Ferrari racing.

Though I never finished the book, I did have a great time and learned a lot of key lessons that would carry me through much of my professional life. One lesson in particular stands apart.

We go where we focus.

In professional racing, a lot of winning involves not crashing. Simple, right? If your car is a pile of wreckage, then chances of crossing that finish line go quickly to ZERO. High speed racing—particularly in places like Monte Carlo—are unusually challenging.

Why? Because it isn’t as much about driving faster than the competition, as it is about driving better than the competition. Monte Carlo is a maze of hairpin turns. Not only must a driver be mindful of the wall, but of other drivers as well.

What I learned was this: If you look at the wall, you’ll hit the wall.

The driver must always be keenly aware of where he has his focus, because focus on the wall? You’ll hit the wall. Focus on the other cars? You’ll hit the other cars. Focus on where you want to go? That’s where you’ll naturally drift.

It’s why it’s so crucial to phrase objectives in the positive. Remember you put your keys next to the door is much more effective than telling yourself Don’t forget that you put your keys near the door.

The human brain tends to only start listening at the first ACTIVE verb, and that’s where it will focus. If we say, Don’t forget to pick up cat food, our brain hears, Forget to pick up cat food.

Watching our words and how we speak can drastically improve focus for the better. POSITIVE goals! Instead of, I don’t want gain anymore weight, try, I want to be healthy and properly proportioned .

Authors and businesses drive me bonkers with this. Don’t forget to subscribe! Guess what you just told everyone to do? *face palm*

Focus: Only So Many Ducks to Give

Since bluntness is my superpower, here it is. Life is the leading cause of death. Today is the youngest we will ever be. Time is a nonrenewable resource, so we’re wise to be mindful how we spend our days.

Once we understand all this, then ask: Where are we placing our focus?

We cannot care about everything. When we care about everything, we care about nothing. Why? Because we can’t care about everything and also maintain focus.

That race car driver can only care about a short list of priorities. If he lets in too much other “stuff,” he’s far more likely to end up a pile of smoldering wreckage than to zoom across that finish line.

The same can be said for us.

Again, I know it’s been a long time since I’ve posted, but I was too scattered. There was no sense in posting blogs when my mind was a mess. I needed to back off, get quiet, ponder my priorities, and ask myself the hard questions.

Was I blogging because I loved it? Because I truly enjoy sharing knowledge, wisdom and even some laughs? Or, was I blogging only because I’d been blogging since 2007 and felt obligated instead of compelled?

What did I REALLY care about?

Because after being sick for so long, and all the upheaval in publishing, and then the world losing its ever-loving mind? I’d caught a bad case of value vertigo.

Until I could regain equilibrium, I’d have little or nothing of substance to offer any of you. Since I value your time, I’d rather post nothing than nonsense.

Focus is Essential in Everything

First of all, obviously I love blogging and miss you guys or I wouldn’t be here. Yet, with the world going crazy, I struggled to even think of a topic. There was plenty of negativity going around, so no need to add to it.

But being positive? It was next to impossible for me to think of anything encouraging to post that didn’t make me want to punch myself in the face.

As I see it, we’re in the meantime, which is what I like to call that span of suck before the breakthrough. It’s a tough place to be and often we wonder if it will ever end. Thing is? I can’t promise the world will be any better because I don’t (sadly) control the world.

I can only control myself, my actions and my attitude. My locus of focus must be internal, because I have authority there. If I give too many ducks about people, places, things that I can’t control? That’s a recipe for a nervous breakdown.

If I focus on all the negative, what bothers me, what upsets me and gives me apoplexy, guess what happens? I’ll get more of that.

If I look at the wall, I’ll hit the wall.

Dreams & Pain

One of my all-time favorite books is Mark Manson’s The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck. I’ve lost count how many times I’ve listened to the audiobook. Why I love this book is that Manson has a very counterintuitive approach to reaching goals and living “the good life.”

Many of us, when we have a dream or goal, tend to focus too much on the dream and not enough on what is required to attain that dream.

We might imagine having a rock hard body with single-digit body fat, a successful small business, or being a mega best-selling author. But are we willing to do all that is necessary to get there?

Manson points out that life has problems. There is no escaping problems. All that we can do is choose better problems.

To paraphrase Manson, Warren Buffet has money problems, but so does the homeless guy hanging outside the Quickie Mart. Buffet just has BETTER money problems.

Since I prefer to stay in the PG13 realm with my blog, we only have so many ducks to give. Where are we going to spend them?

Because if my ducks are scattered all over—some arguing on social media with strangers, some trying to Marie Kondo my house in a week, others fretting about whether Pilates or Yoga is a better way to get back in shape, etc.?

I’m circling the drain already. Loads of activity, with little to no results (other than self-loathing).

Author Problems

I’ve been around long enough to see this play out in the writing world. For ages, I’ve heard, “If I only had enough time, then I’d finish that novel.”

BAM! QUARANTINE! How many people have finally had the time? Yet, how many finished novels?

The problem (for many) with writing professionally is that it’s easier to daydream about being a best-selling author than to sit down and work day after day after day.

Writing has problems. Learning the craft, coming up with a book idea, writing the book, editing, revising, building a brand and platform, facing uncertainty and crushing insecurity, and on and on.

How many love the idea of being a best-selling author but not the pain/problems that go with being a best-selling author?

I LOVE the idea of having a fitness model physique, but I don’t love it enough to embrace the pain of having that fitness model physique. Since I don’t want to live in a gym, measure out every portion of macro and micronutrients, and retool my world for this level of fitness? The dream will remain that, a dream.

But, when it comes to being an author? I LOVE to read, and enjoy craft books, writing sprints, revisions, research, blogging, editing, etc.

See how by choosing my pain (problems) I’m able to gain renewed focus? When I understand that life will always have problems, I can make a conscious effort to always be choosing better problems.

Sure, I could argue with strangers on-line about sensitive topics, but why? I’m not (at the moment) running for office and I’m not a political writer. Why would I throw my ducks into an area where they’ll just get de-feathered and roasted?

Unless I aim to completely shift my brand and goals, this path has my ducks all over when I need them in a row to be effective.

Writers change the world all the time, always have. I choose the pain I want, which is to change hearts and minds using the power of story. I’m learning to be more selective about how many ducks to give and when and where to give them.

I’ve Missed Y’all!

So yes, I am back. The world needs a nap and a Snickers (my POV), but I can’t do anything about that other than bring some sense and sunshine into your world…which I HOPE I’ve done.

I LOVE Hearing From YOU!

What are your thoughts? Have you been dealing with feeling strung out? You have more TIME than ever, but all the craziness has you circling the drain or building blanket forts? What have you changed in your life to help you remain positive and manage stress?

Have you gotten any writing accomplished? I’m 45K words into a non-fiction ghostwriting project, so I’ve pretty much buried myself in that and doing home improvements.

I think Lowe’s stock will bottom out once I finish all the painting and repairs here, LOL.

So come on and share! I’ve missed y’all, but I love you enough not to drop more doom at your door. Thanks for your patience while I recharged my optimism .

The post Finding Our Focus During Crazy Times: Only So Many Ducks to Give appeared first on Kristen Lamb.