Introverts tend to get a bad rap. No, we are not ALL serial killers. Okay…known serial killers.

They have to catch you first .

Wait, where was I?

Oh, yeah. So, first of all, far too many people equate introversion with social anxiety, when those are two totally different topics. One can actually be an extrovert and suffer extreme social anxiety.

Really. Not kidding. He’s usually the sweet quiet guy in the corner of a dance club with an umbrella in his drink. Maybe no umbrella…but probably at least a flamingo swizzle stick. #TrueScienceIJustMadeUp

….I digress.

So this myth that introverts are all hermits huddled in caves eschewing any human contact, relishing in the day that they’re the only person left on the planet? Pure myth.

We only THOUGHT we wanted that until recently.

This myth goes along with the idea that we are freaks who live in our mom’s basement making lampshades out of Kirby Vacuum salespeople.

For the record, my mom didn’t have a basement. Basements freak me out, and I am not crafty enough to make lampshades out of…lampshades.

#EdGeinHumanFurnitureFail

Other myths? That we can’t be the life of the party. Or that introverts are—by immediate definition—shy, reclusive, or anti-social. We aren’t, though we can be.

My parents actually spent most of my childhood stopping me from trying to go home with strangers and re-home myself.

Defining Introverts & Extroverts

First of all, the whole concept of extroverts and introverts has been around for over a hundred years. We can thank psychologist Carl Jung for popularizing the concept.

This, Kiddies, is where I want y’all to pay close attention. In 1921, Jung suggested the principal distinction between personalities had to do with the primary source and direction of an individual’s expression of energy. In lay terms?

How does yo’ battery work?

Large crowds and groups of people energizes the extrovert. Extroverts process externally. Left too long alone, the extrovert’s battery runs low. They require doses of people time to recharge.

Conversely, introverts require alone time. Crowds and groups of people deplete our batteries. I LOVE people. I’m the life of the party. But when I come home from conferences? I generally need to slip into something more comfortable…like a COMA.

Meet the Ambivert

Very few people are pure introverts or pure extroverts, and—to be blunt—you don’t really want to be. A pure introvert or extrovert probably has a psychological disorder or phobia.

For instance a pure introvert that doesn’t want to be around ANY people probably DOES have some severe phobia that prevents socializing (agoraphobia, severe social anxiety, OCD, etc)

I mean, even the Unabomber Ted Kaczynski tried to have romance and even put out ads for a wife. And, in fairness, hard to outdo Ted on the hermit-introvert-hating-people spectrum.

Same for the other side of that bell curve. A pure extrovert would be intolerable. They could never be left alone, which after the age of three gets its own section in the DSM-V.

Introvert & Extrovert Different for All

Yes, when it comes to how much of an introvert or extrovert we are and how this might manifest? We really ARE all special unique snowflakes. It’s all a reflection of nature and nurture, life experiences, strengths and weaknesses.

For instance, I loathe large crowds with the power of a thousand suns…unless I am presenting. You can put me on a stage in front of ten people or ten thousand or ten million and my wattage would just climb higher.

***I’d need more time to recover depending on the crowd.

But get me OFF that stage and IN that crowd and I promise you could literally watch me wilt in front of your eyes if it was a group larger than ten. Large groups drain me to the point of being physically ill if I can’t get away and alone to recharge.

This is why I don’t do concerts, hate bars, don’t do amusement parks on busy days and don’t shop at malls unless it’s during the week.

This is ALSO why I LOVE social media. As an introvert, it allows me to pace myself and what emotional energy I have to give…or not give.

Extroverts are the same. Just because they might need to be around people, the size of the group that recharges them or shorts them out might be different. And don’t assume that, just because they are quiet, they are an introvert.

Or, simply because someone is talkative and never met a stranger they’re an extrovert.

Not how this works.

Social Distancing Sucks for Introverts

As an author, my life hasn’t changed all THAT much since the quarantining began. This said, that doesn’t mean it hasn’t taken a serious toll. Remember, just because I need alone time to recharge doesn’t mean I don’t need people time as well.

I’m actually having a really hard time and imagine I am not alone. Why is that? Let’s return to my battery analogy. Introverts recharge with alone time. We’ve had a LOT of ALONE TIME, meaning we’ve pretty much been left on the charger all spring.

What happens to batteries that you leave on a charger all the time? They break down and eventually don’t function as well. Why is that?

Because of how batteries charge, discharge and recharge. We have to use the device so as to discharge some if the electrons because of the nature of the chemical reactions happening at the anode and cathode.

If you’ve ever owned a laptop or a smartphone and noticed the battery life dropping? The likely culprit is an atomic buildup that’s negatively impacting the electrode’s effectiveness.

With the strict quarantine and almost no social time, we’re like batteries breaking down because we have none of our usual outlets to discharge that energy we’ve built up while being alone.

Introverts are Never ALWAYS Alone

I’ll confess. Before the world went topsy-turvy, we introverts were probably the first to gripe about needing time alone. In fact, irony of ironies, my last blog post before the COVID19 pandemic hit was Quiet: Have We Forgotten to Be Still In a World That Never Stops?

I think that falls under the ‘Careful What You Wish for Category.’ #Oops

But the point was that my routine hasn’t changed a lot…but it’s been enough to really put a mental strain on me. And yes I AM SORRY. I guess I am never happy. Can we just find somewhere NOT in the extremes? Somewhere between lockdown and drinking from a friggin’ firehose?

Too much to ask? Just putting this out there for when we crawl out of the caves,.

Before this, I worked from home. Hubby works from home and I homeschool. But, I also could go to the gym, the park, Six Flags with Spawn and church on the weekends to visit family and friends.

I had ways of ‘discharging’ my battery that tired me out in good ways…then home to rest and recharge.

Now? I’ve had a really hard time even getting out of bed and couldn’t figure out why. I’m normally the Pollyanna.

Usually I’d be the one writing funny blogs or making videos to cheer everyone up and yet, lately, it’s been all I could do to wash my hair.

I Wanted to Know WHY

Which is why I shifted from writing about writing today and to blogging about introversion. As an introvert whose life hasn’t changed ALL THAT MUCH…why am I caving in?

***Aside from being drugged to the gills on allergy medicine.

For the first time in almost fourteen years of blogging I’m apathetic. I don’t want to write or talk to anyone or call anyone. I’ve lost interest in my garden. My crochet sits in a tangled mess. I’m SCANDINAVIAN and have lost my will to clean.

What was going ON?

At heart I am a creative person. But a lot of creative people are also fixers (engineers/tinkerers) deep down as well. So, I went to a rock quarry today.

Had thoughts of teaching myself how to mortar stone since someone ran over our mailbox (and I DID build a French well on my own last year). At the quarry I could be in the sun and think. And I could be FAR away from people unless I wanted to be squished by a backhoe.

There were enough people milling about that I perked up and this is when it hit me.

I’ve been an introvert battery sitting on the charger too long, and no I was NOT fine. Talking on-line or on Zoom or on a phone for whatever reason doesn’t replace being in proximity (even 6, or 10, or 15 feet) from other humans.

Knowledge Brings Peace

But, I guess figuring that little piece out helped me. When you’re fighting something you don’t understand—at least for me—it makes it worse. I was an introvert and should have been fine.

Why was I anything but?

I needed to discharge some energy. And maybe y’all can suggest some safe ways of doing that. It really isn’t about activity because I could do dishes or the wash and still just want to cry.

It’s about the social wiring inside of us that we are having to do something very unnatural in order to keep everyone healthy as we can.

Anyway, I think that me just knowing WHY I am going bonkers seemed to alleviate my anxiety a lot. Often being able to simply name a thing can take away its power and give you the strength to endure.

And maybe this post will help some of you know you are not alone. If you are an introvert also going bananas, I am right there with you. The extroverts aren’t the only ones chewing the wallpaper. Extroverts? Check on your introvert friends, too.

Lots of love. Stay safe and more on writing next week!

I LOVE Hearing From You!

Until we can all hang out, it will have to be here. I really would love to hear your thoughts. I’m bonkers enough to try and build a MAILBOX for god sakes. Hubby will take pictures when I mortar myself into the damned thing and look like Jabba the Hut has me in holding for a bounty.

Sigh.

Am I the only introvert going batty?

Is it wrong that I don’t WANT to use all this ‘freed up time’ to be MORE productive? I was ALREADY pretty frigging productive, thank you very much *ponytail swish*.

And YES I need cheese with my wine.

Note: Pick up more wine.

I mean I have been a good little worker bee. I’ve been editing and writing—though the fugue state of allergy meds—and organized the master closet (somewhat), cleaned out the flower beds, planted two trees, listened to at least ten audiobooks, and plotted how to murder all the TP hoarders and not get caught….

Just a message to the TP hoarders? When you switch to leaves, remember Leaves of three the best TP.

Anyway, what are your thoughts on this? I can’t be the ONLY introvert developing a (more pronounced) eye twitch. And, if I am, entertain yourselves mocking me. Hey, I’m game and a writer so have no pride :P.

I’ll pick a commenter for a free class just to sweeten the deal .

The post The Truth About Introverts & Why the Quarantine is Hard on Us, Too appeared first on Kristen Lamb.

Actual photo of Kristen in high school (Image via Flikr Creative Commons wwarby)

As humans we tend to think in very black and white terms, but as writers and artists, we are wise to remember that people have many dimensions. What we see is not necessarily true, especially when it comes to labeling others as “introvert” or “extrovert.”

What Does It REALLY Mean to Be an Extrovert or Introvert?

Introversion and extroversion are commonly misunderstood. Just because someone is shy, doesn’t mean she’s an introvert. Someone who is bubbly, gregarious and the life of the party can, in reality, be an introvert. The difference between introverts and extroverts is simply this:

Where do we gain or lose energy?

Introverts are drained by people and need alone time to recharge.

Extroverts are drained by too much time alone. They need human interaction to recharge.

Meet the Ambivert

Many people fall into what is called an ambivert, meaning they exhibit traits of both. If you want to learn if you might be an ambivert, there’s a cool test here.

People who read this blog and who meet me all believe that I am the very definition of extrovert, yet that’s far from the case. As a child, I had to be made to go play with others. I was very happy alone in my room reading, drawing and copying articles out of my set of encyclopedias.

I was frequently chastised for bringing a book to family events and made to interact with others. Yet, when I did, I was the life of the party. I was fascinated by standup comedy and, being blessed with an eidetic memory, I could perform the standup routines of all the famous comics, down to facial expressions, timing and gestures. My family was particularly fond of my freakishly accurate impersonation of Sinbad.

Yes, Kristen was the precursor to the DVD.

In school, I didn’t want to play at recess. I wanted to read and draw unicorns.  But I loved debate and speaking in public. When it came to presenting, I had no fear and, again, I was funny. Being funny helped when you changed schools every six months. BUT, in high school I was shy to the point of probably needing medication. The stage was far less terrifying than the lunchroom.

Before I was married, I would go shopping at two in the morning, because I couldn’t take the crowds. To this day, I don’t like concerts, amusement parks, crowded clubs, conventions, big parties or sports events. I love attending writing conferences because I love writers, love teaching and presenting and I DO love people…but when I get home, I practically slip into a coma.

As much as I LOVE people, as much as I adore a crowd and making them laugh…they exhaust me.

I work from home and, if I never had to leave, I would be okay…so long as I had Internet connection. One of the things I love about social media, is it allows me to interact, connect, chat, entertain…but at my pace. It keeps me from flatlining myself.

I’ve had to learn from bad experiences that I need to pace myself at conferences if I want to maintain that powerful, positive energy.

The Myth of the Extrovert

There is another common misunderstanding about the whole extrovert thing, and it’s done a LOT of damage in the corporate world (and when it comes to author platforms for selling books).

Companies spend all this time shoving introverts into being extroverts. They hire mega-extroverts for sales, and yet mega-extroverts are some of the WORST salespeople. I witnessed this back when I was in sales, myself.

I recall sitting at a table with a customer and a mega-extrovert salesperson. The mega-extrovert was so busy talking and being entertaining, that he never SHUT UP long enough to listen. He didn’t stop and ask the right questions. In fact, he didn’t ask ANY questions.

That’s a problem.

One time, I was at an annual marketing meeting and the company was putting  together the agenda for the next year. They kept going on and on about price, and how we needed to be cheaper. I was brand new, but bold.

I raised my hand and asked, “Has anyone asked our customers if this is what THEY want? Is price the biggest factor?” The table sat in stunned silence. Then I recommended we brainstorm twenty areas where we could serve the customer better and then get them to take the survey.

Price came in a #4.

Customers actually wanted faster lead times. Our product was the type of inventory the customers never thought about…until they ran out. A better plan was to rent cheap warehouses in the areas near our major clients and stock them with the most common sizes ordered. Then we could have offered same-day or next-day delivery….which the company refused to do and still focused on price and lost a crap-load of business and it’s a sore subject with me.

Why did they do this? The mega-extroverted marketing and salespeople controlled the agenda, and they were lousy listeners.

We All Have Strengths and Weaknesses

This isn’t to pick on mega-extroverts. All personalities have strengths and weaknesses. As an ambivert, I do have some mega-extrovert tendencies. I’ve had to TRAIN myself to be a better listener and to ask others about themselves…instead of making them laugh with my Sinbad impersonations.

Awareness is Key

The point of all of this is we need to be self-aware so we can focus on strengths and buttress weaknesses. It is good for the introverts to get out. Too much alone time with the imaginary friends makes us a bit weird…ok, weirder.

Social media can be very beneficial for introverts. It forces us out of the comfort zone and we can interact at a pace that doesn’t put us in a coma. Extroverts? You get to practice willpower and self-discipline, to shut up, get off Twitter and get back to work.

Ambiverts? We get to do both *head desk*

No Excuses

But the good news is this. This notion that mega-extroverted salesperson is the most effective salesperson? PURE MYTH. This is one major misconception that TERRIFIES most writers into being afraid of social media or makes some writers try to change their personalities….which is just weird and kinda creepy. Be YOU. YOU is awesome :D.

Don’t drink the Kool-Aid.

Here’s an article that displaces the myth that mega-extroverts are the best salespeople, and explains why it’s actually ambiverts who hold the advantage.

Talk to people, listen, ask questions, and let them talk. Be authentic and kind. We don’t have to be super entertaining all the time. Really ;).

For those curious, THIS was my family’s favorite among my vast comedic repertoire:

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oO8oSbfbL-Q&w=420&h=315]

So what about you? Are you and extrovert? An introvert? Shy? Do you feel misunderstood because you’re a shy extrovert or a people-loving introvert? Do you think you might be an ambivert? Take the test and let us know!

I LOVE hearing from you guys!

To prove it and show my love, for the month of April, everyone who leaves a comment I will put your name in a hat. If you comment and link back to my blog on your blog, you get your name in the hat twice. If you leave a comment, and link back to my blog, and mention my book We Are Not Alone in your blog…you get your name in the hat THREE times. What do you win? The unvarnished truth from yours truly.

I will pick a winner once a month and it will be a critique of the first 20 pages of your novel, or your query letter, or your synopsis (5 pages or less).

And also, winners have a limited time to claim the prize, because what’s happening is there are actually quite a few people who never claim the critique, so I never know if the spam folder ate it or to look for it and then people miss out. I will also give my corporate e-mail to insure we connect and I will only have a week to return the 20 page edit.

At the end of April I will pick a winner for the monthly prize. Good luck!

The post The Myth About Introverts & Extroverts–Could You Be an Ambivert? appeared first on Kristen Lamb.