writing humor Archives - Kristen Lamb

What’s a REAL Writer? Spotting Terminological Inexactitude Syndrome

Kristen Lamb — Fri, 16 Jul 2021 18:01:07 +0000

Being a writer is the best job in the world, aside from those fortunate enough to be paid to pet kittens or sample new ice cream flavors. But is writing a REAL job? This question has set fire to the entire psychiatric community. Okay, most of them…the ones in my head *turns off fire alarms*.

Many in our modern culture don’t believe writing qualifies as a legitimate occupation. An unusual percentage of ‘average’ citizens firmly maintain that being a writer is NOT a real job. These same individuals, however, collectively spend billions of dollars and most of their free time enjoying entertainment (created by writers).

Cleaning Teeth= ‘Real’ Job

Writing= Goofing Off

Thus far, those interviewed have yet to note the irony of their assertions (or looked up definition of irony). Since being a writer is not a ‘real job,’ then this leads us to the next most reasonable conclusion. Writing, in truth, may be a mental condition. I have written about the 13 Ways Writers Are Mistaken for Serial Killers.

So there IS that…

Today is Friday, and since we all debated Sean Penn’s book in the comments section on my last post (Was he serious or poking fun at the establishment?), I figured this oldie but goodie was the perfect dash of humor to lead y’all into the weekend…

What IS Terminological Inexactitude Syndrome (T.I.S.)?

Tis’ a hard diagnosis for certain. Alas, Terminological Inexactitude Syndrome is a compulsive need to tell stories. We call those afflicted a ‘writer’ namely because ‘writer’ is shorter than ‘Terminological Inexactitude Syndrome.’ Also, those who used T.I.S. found others believed they were about to quote something from Shakespeare.

This only created even more confusion.

Writers (those afflicted with T.I.S.) frequently report ‘being born’ to tell tales. There is no clear indication if T.I.S. is congenital. Is it nature or nurture or both?

Is it contagious? If so, then will wearing a mask stop it?

No matter one’s preconceived notions, facts are facts. Background information reveals a symptomatology too eerily similar to be discounted.

Children/Young Adults exhibiting T.I.S.:

Preferred reading books, writing stories or drawing dragons 74% more than sports;
Were 89.3% more inclined to request ‘extra credit’ assignments;
Had a 300% greater likelihood of being found in school library when compared to non T.I.S. peers;
Displayed a 92.4% chance of ‘royally sucking’ at Dodgeball (data is inconclusive about skill level or simple desire to be ‘OUT’ so as to return to reading Goosebumps);
Demonstrated early addictive behaviors with office supplies. Parents who suspect their child might have T.I.S. should look for noticeable pupil dilation when shopping for school supplies;
Have 5000% greater chance of making up utter BS statistics that appear highly convincing.

Diagnosing if One is a Writer

I won’t mince words here. Writer diagnosis is particularly challenging. Those who might actually BE writers can become rather tetchy at mere mention of the subject. A primary symptom of T.I.S. is that writers angst over what makes them ‘real.’ Few occupations struggle with such existential questions to this large a degree.

Am I a real cashier? I have a smock, a name badge and access to the registers, but am I merely a poseur?

Sure I graduated medical school, but does that make me a real doctor?

Everyone believes I fix cars, but I know I’m a fraud…even though I really do fix cars. Lots of them, actually.

Once the subject is at least willing to entertain the notion he or she may have T.I.S. then further diagnostic questions can assist in a proper assessment and more accurate diagnosis.

Sample Diagnostic Checklist—A Writer Frequently:

Experiences wild mood swings (A.K.A. ‘Revision Syndrome’);
Displays visible signs of distress, pain, and at times, explosive violence when shown sentences such as, ‘Your an amazing person,’ ‘Their are no more donuts in the brake room,’ and ‘There here to orientate the new hires, or so he lead us to believe’;
Exhibits significant cognitive-tactile impairment when texting (refusal to employ ‘ur’, ‘IDK, ‘BRB’ or even the seemingly innocuous ‘lol’);
Insists on using full sentences and proper punctuation, which leads to withdrawal from interacting with text messages and eventual social isolation;
Can become agitated with certain trigger words such as bae, turnt or fleek;
Sees nothing wrong with discussing rates of body decomposition, history of guillotines, The Black Death, or bot flies at social functions involving food;
Is known to select mates based off vocabulary, intellect, appreciation for Monty Python, and ability to operate, repair, and set up laser printers (leading to an abnormally high ratio of writers choosing engineer ‘types’ as partners).
The final test is only to be used by a trained imaginary diagnostician. Read excerpts from actor Sean Penn’s ‘novel’ Bob Honey Who Just Do Stuff aloud, then time how long subject lasts until he or she a) begins weeping b) curls into fetal position or c) begins bleeding from ears.

Word of Caution

This last diagnostic should be used with extreme care and with a ‘trained’ medical staff on hand to ensure subject’s safety. A medical team can also ensure the person reading the excerpt’s safety. All medical personnel are strongly advised to wear ear plugs and be cautious of potential projectile vomiting…so keep 6 feet of distance or wear a rain poncho.

Alas this ONE sentence (seriously it IS only ONE sentence) can be remarkably helpful with diagnosis:

Whenever he felt these collisions of incubus and succubus, he punched his way out of the proletariat with the purposeful inputting of covert codes, thereby drawing distraction through Scottsdale deployments, dodging the ambush of innocents astray, avoiding the viscount vogue of Viagratic assaults on virtual vaginas, or worse, falling passively into prosaic pastimes. ~ Bob Honey Who Just Do Stuff Page 36

If the subject understands this ‘sentence’ and doesn’t immediately exhibit signs of physical pain, the subject is probably not a writer. Rather the subject is most likely an actor who mistakenly believes he/she can write. Best recommendation is to gently guide subject back to the teenagers working at the movie theater who can properly care for the patient from there.

The Impact of T.I.S. (Being a ‘Writer’)

Those afflicted with T.I.S. cannot help but make up stories and believe they have no choice but to write. The DSM-V is due for updating. T.I.S. might qualify as a dysmorphia, since those with T.I.S. require a keyboard, pen, Crayon or some writing implement to ‘feel’ whole.

All evidence indicates writers must write to maintain reasonable emotional and psychological stability.

***Note: Parameters for ‘reasonable’ WAY broader for actual writers.

Writing, thus far, is one of the best ways to ameliorate the negative symptoms of T.I.S. Regular interaction with the ‘voices in their heads’ has a calming effect similar to the smell of pencil shavings and new paper.

For those afflicted with ‘Terminological Inexactitude Syndrome’ (storytelling) the condition can be challenging not only for those born with T.I.S., but for those who ‘associate’ with the writer. Obviously when a person is diagnosed as a ‘writer’ others, including family, cannot help but be impacted as well.

Parents might blame themselves for encouraging their children to read, being too permissive with time at the bookstores or library. Why didn’t they encourage accounting games instead?

Writer spouses/partners might find sometimes (usually during edits) they’ll have to…cook for themselves. I know! It’s harsh, but to be expected. Also, children might have to make their own cereal and find matching socks while unsupervised.

I’ll stop there.

Writers & Impact of T.I.S. on Friends

The study of T.I.S. on friends has been uniquely challenging. Writer ‘friends’ usually are ‘people’ writers make up in their heads, because, and I quote: ‘Normal people are boring.’

Additionally, (since on the topic of writer ‘friends’) after repeated unsuccessful attempts, we’ve concluded houseplants and pets are almost impossible to effectively interview.

Houseplants scored slightly higher than cats.

Embrace Being a Writer

For those of you out there who know you are a writer, that you do have Terminological Inexactitude Syndrome, it’s okay. You are not alone and there is nothing to be ashamed of.

***Unless you’re a pretentious actor who believes he/she is a writer. Then? Be very ashamed and go back to acting.

We need to celebrate T.I.S. despite criticism. The world NEEDS writers. Without writers, we would have no books, movies, articles, research papers, or television shows. It takes a WRITER to succinctly craft warning labels spelling out of the dangers of EATING TIDE PODS.

It took a WRITER to warn the public that the electric meat thermometer was not intended for rectal use on humans. For those still alive who do NOT have a turkey thermometer lodged in their bum? Go bless a writer.

*moment of silence*

Only a writer can lie well enough to claim cheap deodorant has the power to make anyone sexy.

Seriously, just go Axe them .

What Are Your Thoughts?

Do you suffer from T.I.S.? You are not alone. Do you find it impossible to text message because it takes so long? Do you experience anger when auto-correct tells your friend you ‘don’t have any ducks’ left to give? It’s okay. We get you.

What are some symptoms you experience that might be added to this ‘totes legit’ diagnostic test?

I think Sean Penn is an incredibly talented actor. He’s also remarkably brave for calling himself a writer. Don’t know about you, but I’ll never see alliteration in quite the same way.

Cheers! *raises glass*

For more inappropriate laughs—fine, a totally gallows humor but fast-paced mystery suspense—I hope you’ll pick up a copy of my mystery-thriller, The Devil’s Dance.

I love hearing from you!

And am not above bribery!

What do you WIN? For the month of JULY, for everyone who leaves a comment, I will put your name in a hat. If you comment and link back to my blog on your blog, you get your name in the hat twice. What do you win? The unvarnished truth from yours truly. I will pick a winner once a month and it will be a critique of the first 20 pages of your novel, or your query letter, or your synopsis (5 pages or less).

The post What’s a REAL Writer? Spotting Terminological Inexactitude Syndrome appeared first on Kristen Lamb.

Five Holiday Challenges Only Writers Will Understand

Kristen Lamb — Fri, 06 Dec 2019 21:07:11 +0000

It’s the holiday season, and this is a tough time for most people. For, writers, it’s ~~peace~~ hell on Earth, largely—though not entirely—due to the whole ‘having to wear pants’ thing.

We authors, historically, have been a misunderstood group of people.

Burned as witches. No holiday there. Survival rate after a political coup? Close to zero. Odds of being shot? Pretty much hundred percent, which correlates closely with odds of keeping mouth shut #FunFact.

Friends and loved ones still invite us to holiday gatherings. Sadly, no ‘burned at stake’ or ‘firing squad’ option. Those require pants, but less talking and no prerequisite to bring some dumb@$$ ‘White Elephant’ gift and a nut-free appetizer.

*makes note to hunt down and murder person who invented ‘White Elephant’ game’*

*Why is the elephant white and not pink?*

*makes note to google that later*

*makes note to put that in novel and kill it*

*along with the person who invented it*

Where was I? Oh yes, holiday stuff. Writers. Why writers should be able to qualify for service animals every year. Holiday honey badgers that bite.

Sips egg nog next to holiday honey badger. No one dares approach. We both leave half lit in Uber. Write glorious prose (me and holiday honey badger). It’s amazing.

While the holidays are hard on everyone, they pose a unique set of challenges for writers. We have to back away from the keyboard, put on pants, and remember what it is to mingle among humankind….

…or mostly why we don’t.

#1: Holidays Are So People-y

Most writers are introverts. We can barely keep up with all the people in our head. And now we have to keep up with real people we can’t control or legally kill, which—trust us—is very frustrating.

If a character doesn’t do what we want them to do? We just toss them off the nearest imaginary cliff.

In life? Good defense attorneys are far more expensive. In a manuscript, we can just write in a billionaire bachelor who falls in love with us and coughs up the attorney fees.

Real life is just such a friggin’ hassle.

Seriously.

In our books, we never have to stand in line or miss a plane. We never have to deal with anyone we dislike that we don’t have the power to destroy.

So, as you see, reality is absurdly inconvenient.

It’s IMPOSSIBLE to ENJOY a holiday when you wait twenty minutes on a parking spot—in the rain—only for someone to swoop in and steal the spot.

Then, you have to park somewhere else…instead of calling down fire from the sky and incinerating them and all they love to ASH.

Seriously. There is zero justice in real life.

No idea why anyone even wants to deal with people without the ability to hex them.

#2: Serial Killers Not a Hot Holiday Topic

While everyone is sending out holiday cards posing with their kids and pets, your tour of the Ed Gein Murder House wasn’t nearly as big of a hit. Hey, you framed it with garland and lights.

That was festive. Right?

Parties are always a struggle (the pants thing again). No one gets your veiled references to Silence of the Lambs because, hey, you did bring a ‘nice chianti’ and a fava bean dip *wink wink*.

Sigh.

While the guys were going on and on about football and women chatting about shopping, all you can think about is how badly you wish you were home watching Dexter.

No pants required.

#3: Pretending to Be Normal

This is enough to make the best of us snap on a regular day. During the holiday season? *weeping* Most of us ended up authors because we finally came to the realization that the ‘Normal Ship’ sailed without us long ago.

Some of us are secure enough to wave that freak flag high…but not all of us.

And even the most brazen of us weirdos do try to at least make an effort to blend in with the ‘norms.’ Seriously, for all the regular people reading this? Y’all have NO IDEA how hard that %$#@ is.

Not correcting poor grammar? That alone should earn us a friggin’ medal.

***Clothes are hung. People are hanged.

When you’re at the gym and the anchor announces there is a serial killer on the loose and you fall off the StairMaster shouting, ‘It’s a SPREE KILLER, YOU IDIOT! Read Anatomy of Motive you mouth-breathing troglodyte!’

Yeah….

Not allowed back at that gym again.

#4: Pay Attention When Others Talking

Most of the year, we writers are fairly good at hiding. Holiday gatherings force us out of our tunnels.

Paying attention to anything NOT a book or writing a book is already tough. Listening while people talk—that isn’t a lecture on the history of stringed instruments or the evolution of bladed weapons—is arduous.

This is particularly applicable to those of us who write full time. We pretty much are always reading, writing, eating, or sleeping. Our world is very much in our heads. Many authors (not all) are also…crazy as a $#@!house rat.

Not a prerequisite, but it helps.

Meaning there are a lot of writers who happen to be ADD, ADHD, OCD, on the autistic spectrum, or who happen to like glitter way more than is healthy (*looking at you Jenn C.*).

I happen to be severely ADHD. Anyway, when you’re ADHD a lot of people believe that you’re like a spider monkey on crack—which is only partially true.

I gave up crack in college.

Kidding.

I’m too cheap to buy crack. Dealers don’t take coupons.

Anyway, we vacillate from being all over to being hyper-focused. When I’m on point, the house could burn down and I might not notice. In order to manage my ADHD, I use A LOT of timers and am a multitasker.

Doing more than one thing keeps me focused. I don’t even pretend to understand it.

So, if I have to do laundry, I will put on an audiobook so I don’t wander off and start painting the bathroom.

If I have to talk on the phone and actually listen to the person, I will fold laundry so my mind doesn’t drift.

This means, I have a VERY difficult time paying attention to people when they are talking if I am not also doing something else. So like I might crochet while holding a conversation.

WHICH, if the other person doesn’t understand? Comes across as me being rude.

Thus, the holiday season is a nightmare because, for me at least, I might as well keep a pocket full of cards reading:

Don’t be weird.

Inside words stay inside.

Remember to liste—OMG! JEFFREY DAHMER!

#5: Hiding Glee About New Plot Ideas

Writer’s face when hears next plot idea in a conversation….

Writers have NO poker face. We are an open book, pun very much intended. Though not a hard and fast rule, we’re right below the chess club and slightly above the mathletes in social ineptness.

So when we hear a GEM of a story idea drift through the conversation at a party….

Yeah that meme floating around about that cat that saw the Christmas tree for the first time? That was fake news. The cat actually was doing the world’s most perfect impersonation of an author who’s just overheard the greatest plot twist EVER.

We get that joyful glazed look where we stop chewing our cookie and crumbs fall onto our chin and down our shirt. At which time the other person laughs awkwardly and says, ‘You’re not going to, like, put me in a book, right?’

Then we (the writer) *fake laughs* say, ‘Gosh! No!’ First of all, writers LIE. We deal in LIES, so don’t fall for it.

Also, as a disclaimer…

You have the right to remain silent or leave us off the guest list. If, however, you invite us to a party, force us to wear pants and talk to people, anything you say can and will be used against you in a work of fiction.

You have a right to preorder. You have the right to buy in paper, audio or hardcover. If you cannot afford the hardcover, the option to buy in digital will be provided for you. Do you understand these rights as they have been written out for you?

In the End

Maybe y’all aren’t as socially awkward as I am. Yes, I’m funny, but I can be overpowering and leave people needing a nap…or a bottle of Xanax. I struggle with balance, tend to talk over people and am…well what is the word?

No, the one that I can use in a PG-13 blog.

Extra.

I celebrate the holidays in my own way…mostly watching Muppets Christmas Carol over and over until my husband threatens to divorce me.

Then we switch to Krampus.

I’m still a work in progress at remembering to take turns, that ‘inside words stay inside’ and that—SIGHS—‘not everyone wants to talk about autopsies over seven-layer-taco-dip’ (though WHY I have NO idea) *rolling eyes dramatically*.

I’ve come to grips that I will never fit in, never be ‘normal’ and frankly? Normal is a setting on the dryer so *fair flip* WHATEVS….

*flounces off to watch Forensic Files from blanket fort wearing unicorn pajamas*

Y’all invited.

In the meantime….

Give yourself some goodies for Christmas. PANTS OPTIONAL!

I also have some treats, like a BRAND NEW class I’ve never taught before, and it turned out FANTASTIC. OMG BEST CLASS EVER for my FREAKY FRIENDS!

BTW WE FIXED THE API ERROR! Stripe was giving an API error for some of y’all trying to buy classes and we FIXED that! So get these classes while they are on sale before they are slated for deletion of stuck in cold storage.

ON DEMAND Dark Arts: HOLIDAY SPECIAL Building Your Villain is usually $55 and for the next few days is only $25. Three hours of psychopaths, sociopaths, narcissists, pathology and how that applies to writing.

It is like the Behavioral Analysis Unit for Authors. Tres FUN! Villains are some of the most enduring characters in literature. Why not add your own legends to the list?

I’m also offering ON DEMAND! Holiday Sale! Story Master: From Dream to DONE. This class is to train you how to plot whether you’re a plotter, a pantser or a mix of both. It’s also a crash course in creating dimensional characters.

I love hearing from you!

And to prove it and show my love, for the month of DECEMBER, everyone who leaves a comment I will put your name in a hat. If you comment and link back to my blog on your blog, you get your name in the hat twice. What do you win? The unvarnished truth from yours truly.

I will pick a winner once a month and it will be a critique of the first 20 pages (5K words) of your novel, or your query letter, or your synopsis (5 pages or fewer).

In the meantime, PLEASE treat yourself to a class! We have a TON of classes that we will be deleting or putting into cold storage come January and will no longer be available. So STOCK UP while you can.

**The BIG SPECIALS** (other than what I mentioned above)

On Demand: Beyond Bulletproof HOLIDAY Barbie

Usually $55 and now only $25.

This is a THREE-HOUR class on guns, knives, weapons, fighting, law enforcement (from local cops to international espionage) and more. Everything you need to build a bad@$$—male OR female—and get the details CORRECT.

Spilling the HOLIDAY Tea: On Demand Blogging for Authors

Usually $75 and now only $40.

Get prepped and ready for the new year, new you, new blog.

New Classes NEXT WEEK FREE RECORDING INCLUDED

Tick Tock: How to Plot Mystery Suspense Series

Thursday, December 12th, 7:00-9:00 p.m. EST (NYC TIME). Use New20 for $20 off.

Can You Hear Me Now? Developing Character Voice

Friday, December 13th, 7:00-9:00 P.M. EST. Use New10 for $10 off.

NEW ON DEMAND CLASSES

Bite-Sized Fiction: How to Plot the Novella

Use New20 for $20 off

Why Are We HERE? Scenes That HOOK

Use New20 for $20 off

**Popular On Demand Classes**

The Art of Character: Writing Characters for a SERIES ON DEMAND

Use Binge10 for $10 off.

How do we create characters that readers will fall in love with, characters strong enough to go the distance? Find out in this THREE-HOUR class that also comes with detailed notes and a character-building template.

This class dovetails with my previous class:

Bring on the Binge: How to Plot and Write a Series (ON DEMAND). Use Binge10 for $10 off.

Need some help with platform and branding?

Branding: WHEN YOUR NAME ALONE Can Sell (ON DEMAND)

Use brand10 for $10 off.

For the complete list, go to the OnDemand Section.

The post Five Holiday Challenges Only Writers Will Understand appeared first on Kristen Lamb.

You Know You're a Writer When…

Kristen Lamb — Fri, 10 Jan 2014 16:57:19 +0000

The Spawn and his minion Lazr Cat.

We’ve been talking about some heavy stuff the past several posts, so I figured it was time for a bit of levity. We writers are different *eye twitches* for sure, but the world would be SO boring without us.