Kristen Lamb

Author, Blogger, Social Media Jedi

Kristen Lamb — Photo

The Pants of Shame

The Pants of Shame are rumored to have been forged in the black bowels of Hell, created by the most unholy of unions–the Knitting Needles of the Damned and the Yarn of Infernal Intent. No one truly know the origin of the POS, we just know their powers can be used for great good or great evil. Currently, a religious sect of highly caffeinated writers known as the Cult of #MyWANA are in possession of The Pants, harnessing their powers to help writers focus on their WIP lest they be forced to gaze upon the Pants, which have been known to cause temporary blindness and permanent insanity.

The Pants of Shame, much like the Arc of the Convenant, have no known location, but can be randomly spotted on Twitter at #thepantsofshame, guarded by the cult of #MyWANA’s high priests and priestesses. #MyWANA is a place for the truly faithful, those devoted to a life of penance, meditation and suffering (code for writing). It is only the power of their devotion to the written word that holds the dark powers of the POS in check. The Pants are a gift not to be taken lightly.

May the Pants be with you.

The origin of the pants is shrouded in mystery, so if you have any knowledge of the pants or the true story of their birth, please share below. Random rumors, blatant lies and unfounded conjecture also welcome.

144 thoughts on “The Pants of Shame”

  1. WulfieWulfie

    My Eyes! My Eyes! *runs screaming*

    • LauraDrakeLauraDrake

      The only thing we can give thanks for, is that this was not a frontal shot.

  2. briantronkbriantronk

    That is still, just… Wow… I don’t know wears those, but I assume it’s one of the Four Horsemen.

  3. ScottScott

    I heard that Joan of Arc spat in the face of some corrupt priest and so he made the POS from a desing inspired by hell. He made her wear the pants all through France before burning her…she had to give back the pants before they lit her on fire though.

    • Author Kristen LambAuthor Kristen Lamb

      Oooooh, good one. But since the Pants were a product of Hell and the Devil, one would naturally think they would be flame-retardant at least.

      • ScottScott

        Yeah, you’d think. But since they were woven by men with evil designs-to reign over others with fear-the pants were wrought if mortal materials. But no mortal could reach the level of evil to conceive the idea, the design so diabolical powers placed the design into the minds of these bastards. I heard that one if them, when the pants were completed, went insane and gouged his eyes out with the needle. Awful stuff.

        • Author Kristen LambAuthor Kristen Lamb

          That explains some of the blood stains. Thanks for sharing.

  4. Gloria OliverGloria Oliver

    Oh, my eyes! My EYES!
    Has it been tested whether the pants have a higher or lesser instance of insanity than say seeing the Gods od Cthulhu? Could be important if we have to pick one over the other.
    Just saying… 😛
    Also, will the pants cancel out the power of Chuck Wendig’s Beard? As that is one fearsome set of chin hairs.
    I did hear that it was someone with the pants who indavertetnly gave birth to the Chupacabra by the way. *shiver*

  5. Bill EvansBill Evans

    So trivial in its nature but so tragic in its consequences! 🙂

    • debreillydebreilly

      You’re thinking black for formal occasions? Personally, I love these.. the daring, wedgie-like beige stripe, the sassy yellow pocket…and wow, the belt loops!

      • Sandi HughesSandi Hughes

        You mean to tell me there are more than one pair??? HORRORS!!!!
        Hmm… in thinking about it, who would care… or dare to look knowing the consequences. Then again, they could be used as a secret weapon, worn as an undergarment and used to “flash” one’s enemies. Hmm… yes, very interesting!

  6. ShedrickShedrick

    Now, if you could Wil Wheaton to pose with the Pants of Shame while wearing his knitted clown sweater…the internets would suck in on themselves and create a portal into the Netherhells…

  7. PaigeKPaigeK

    I guess it’s good someone finished the Simplicity pattern I quit working on in fifth grade….

  8. Scott M.Scott M.

    So, THAT’s what happened to my old blankie! 😉

  9. DerekDerek

    Obscure POS facts: The Pants Of Shame can now be attributed to causing the Great Chicago Fire.

    In the final days of WWII, Hitler wore the Pants Of Shame around his secret bunker. After the war, the POS disappeared into Soviet Russia for number of years.

  10. Just DebJust Deb

    Oh my landsakes!! Yeah, I couldn’t look away, lol.

  11. Susan SSusan S

    I’m with Brian – “And behold, I saw a rider in pale pants, and his name was Shame, and chafing followed after him.”

    It’s an alternate translation…the little-known fifth rider of the apocalypse.

  12. Laura DrakeLaura Drake

    I heard about these! The proverbial hair shirt was unraveled, and fallen nuns were forced to knit them for penance. That way, the wearer suffers as much as those casting thier eyes upon them.

    My husband would wear those with black socks and his dispicable yard-mowing shoes…

  13. Sonia G MedeirosSonia G Medeiros

    Oh man! You guys have me rolling! And yes, I fear the POS.

    May the Pants be with you.

  14. SteveSteve

    To him who donneth the Pants of Shame shall be granted the power of the smite of blindness; yea, verily, he who looketh upon the Pants shall surely spill his cookies, yea even unto the sidewalk.

    • Sandi HughesSandi Hughes

      Yea, even so verily it tis! Gazing upon them must surely cause an internal upset of the belly, not to mention a weakness in the head. Tis a woe to be suffered only upon the most distracted of writers lest they wander from their current WIP.

  15. Liz JakesLiz Jakes

    Ah, so that’s where those got to! I gave them to Uncle Harry in 1973. He said someone stole them. I never quite believed him, but I guess it’s true. You have to see the front, it’s even more awesome. There’s no zipper or anything, you just sorta tuck. It’s a little challenging when you sit down. Pretty fetching tho, right? 100% cotton too.

  16. Donnell BellDonnell Bell

    I can’t believe someone actually took time from writing to knit those LOL. Now that’s ingenius procrastination. Truly, truly ugly, and something not to wish upon anyone else. Get thee thy manuscript finished!

  17. Laura MorriganLaura Morrigan

    “One Pair to shame them all and in the darkness bind them!”
    Actually, if you don the POS– they will grant you invisibility. No, really.
    I swear!

  18. Deb StoverDeb Stover

    Help me, Pants of Shame. You’re my only hope.

  19. educlaytioneduclaytion

    Good Lord, how did I miss this? From the bowels of hell straight to my heart. Hines Ward should have danced in those for the finals.

  20. Michelle MutoMichelle Muto

    I saw someone in Wal-Mart wearing them just last week.

  21. Holly KSSHolly KSS

    Someone is going to dig those up in the next century and think that we are a totally messed-up society. And then they will embrace it as some sort of anti-establishment fashion statement and there will be a run on acrylic yarn. As I am planning on living a long time I better stock up now…

  22. D'AltaD'Alta

    You know, I think I could crochet these, if anyone really wants a pair!

  23. CarradeeCarradee

    …Um, those look like they’re crochet, not knit.

    Hm. That gives me an idea.

  24. LexusLexus

    Yes, those POS are crocheted. Now the question: wool or acrylic?

    PS There’s a blog on wordpress called What Not to Crochet. They really need to see this 😉

  25. amyshojaiamyshojai

    The POS is the evil twin of fruitcake…there is only one and like Bad Santa, can be everywhere at once, dance a mean rhumba, leap tall buildings at a single flounce…wait, that’s Richard Simmons.

    The POS arrives with little fanfare when boys and girls deserve coal in their (ahem) stocking and awaken to find themselves draped. So to speak. The POS, (aka “butt floss”) provokes twitch-ass-et syndrome (“I’ll give you a reason to get twitchy!) and afflicts writers who fail to follow the button rule:

    Put your butt ON the chair and write!

    POS was created by ne’er-do-well illiterates at a book-burning-blitz, when the words bit back.

    • Dorryce SmeltsDorryce Smelts

      Not wool, not acrylic…they’re Phentex!!! Phentex was seen in the vicinity of Three Mile Island before the meltdown, at Chernobyl, also before the meltdown,and is implicated in the Tokyo tsunami (pre nuclear meltdown). Rumour has it Phentex was spawned by the Hindenburg disaster, also an epic meltdown.

      Although these shorts look like they’re crocheted out of grilled cheese sandwiches…

      Reply
      February 14, 2012
  26. DerekDerek

    more than 5 weeks and the POS are STILL garnering comments. Such is the power and peril of defying the Pants Of Shame.

  27. LesannLesann

    I come here and look at this photo every time the I-don’t-feel-like-writing malaise kicks in. The visual is stimulation enough. Works every time. Bee-yoo-tee-full.

  28. Darlene SteelmanDarlene Steelman

    wow. that is …. bad! Are they crocheted??? Irene and Scott – thank you for cracking me up!

  29. martha bradymartha brady

    just read the pants of shame post:) too funny. long day of writing. nice laugh break:)

    • Author Kristen LambAuthor Kristen Lamb

      Which is why they are so powerful.

  30. Beth HullBeth Hull

    There’s a place in France, where they wear some shameful pants… Sorry. That’s what went through my head when I read Scott’s Joan of Arc theory above.

    The pants are telling me to get back to work. Thanks, Pants.

  31. Rebecca T Little (@RebeccaTLittle)Rebecca T Little (@RebeccaTLittle)

    It’s a very, very good thing that we are only seeing those from the back. I shudder to think what the front might look like – though the first mental image somewhat resembled a Red Hot Chili Peppers album cover. I did hear a rumor that the Pants of Shame were crocheted from yarn that was recovered after the Blanket of Undying Wretchedness had a hole worn in it.

  32. Laura RussellLaura Russell

    The power of the pants continues– I am laughing to hard to type more. Live on POS!

  33. CourtneyCourtney

    Oh. My. Lanta. Words fail me~ for once.

  34. lwsapirlwsapir

    I like to re-visit this page periodically to reassure myself that the pants really do exist.

  35. tomwisktomwisk

    Somebody’s gramma was kidnapped, made to watch the Kardashians on TV, forced to drink cosmos, bindfolded and forced to chochet the hair of her beloved cat Muffy.

  36. Rachel PetersonRachel Peterson

    First reaction to that pants of shame photo –HA! That unstoppable, gut-concaving sound of unbelievability. Good giggle! Thanks for that, and thanks, Kristen, for starting #MyWANA.

  37. Patrice FitzgeraldPatrice Fitzgerald

    Aha! I know these pants.

    These are an excellent example of the traditional CrotchitHozen worn by natives of Upper Skwoze-Knutz. Saffron and buff are the colors of the Skwoze-Knutzian flag — and also, incidentally, the names of the current royal heirs, Princess Saffron and Prince Buff — and are thus the favored hues for said pants.

    Queen Hortenzia the 22nd, who ruled from 1639-1707, decreed that a special garment should be designed for the men of the nation. She thought it highly appropriate that the men have something equally as celebrated as the famed Pfitzentitzen corsets worn by the ladies of the court.

    It is rumored that Her Highness was quite miffed with her Prince Concert, Eldridge, at the time the original CrotchitHozen were created. For alas, he donned them but once before losing them in a terrible boating accident. He was never the same.

    • Author Kristen LambAuthor Kristen Lamb

      LMAO. Love it! Dutifully canonized in the Lore of the Pants.

  38. Linda M AuLinda M Au

    I am glad that whoever crocheted this atrocity stopped in time to make them the Shorts of Shame instead of a full-orbed pair of pants.

    Still, as if it weren’t going to be clear enough that these belong in one of the deepest circles of Dante’s hell, the horrific color scheme seals their fate.

    No, even Dante would run shrieking from the room. And yet, I bet there’s a pattern for them somewhere on Ravelry.com…. No, I’m not going to go look. You first.

    Reply
    February 29, 2012
  39. Faith BodganFaith Bodgan

    My small daughter took one look and said, with all sincerity, “Ooh! I want some like those!”

    Reply
    February 29, 2012
  40. Bruce ObeeBruce Obee

    Needless to say, I was shocked to discover that the dreaded Pants of Shame, stitched from the colourful fleece of the rare Vancouver Island #MyWANARAM (Mywanimus ramit canadensis), have surfaced from obscurity more than 1,500 miles away in Texas. The once-domestic species has gone feral, and survives only in a few isolated pockets of West Coast rainforest. The enormity of this wooly ungulate, as illustrated here by the diminutive shepherd, is its prime defence against the ravages or our Island’s voracious wolves, cougars, and bears. However, I must question the authenticity of The Pants, as they are traditionally knitted to encompass all colours of the #MyWANARAM. Perhaps the red beard and purple legs appear on the front of The Pants? http://bruceobee.com http://t.co/6j5fjAly

    • Author Kristen LambAuthor Kristen Lamb

      LOVE it! Who knew?

  41. mahervolousmahervolous

    Everything everyone has said so far is true. I know the future. Humanity will be wiped out by the Pants of Shame just after the dinosaurs show up again, and in 35 million years alien life will finally visit Earth. All that will be left to show for human existence is a can of Coke, a half-eaten Big Mac, and the Pants of Shame.

  42. Miss KeeneMiss Keene

    I found it impossible not to click on POS tab though I knew I was being manipulated into said act. Well done!

    Thanks for a good giggle, and two.

  43. kassandralambkassandralamb

    I have been procrastinating for hours now but discovering the Pants of Shame tab has made a day of wasted time totally worth it. I recognize that crochet stitch, and I’m pretty sure my mother made them (may she rest in peace).

  44. Sarah NegovetichSarah Negovetich

    Ah…so that’s what happened to Joseph’s Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat.

  45. DiennaDienna

    All I could say to that was “ew!”.

  46. Ms. TeacherMs. Teacher

    This made my night. Thank you. #LiveLoveLearn

  47. Rose OrtizRose Ortiz

    I’m pretty sure I saw a pair just like those on the golf course…or I could have been hallucinating!

  48. largeselflargeself

    All I can say is: “Holy Pants. Batman!”

  49. janedoe68janedoe68

    I thought they looked familiar. Alice Cooper had them last I saw, in New Jersey, poor fellow. Awesome concert though!!!

  50. C.K. GarnerC.K. Garner

    Arrggh…my eyes! Surely these once belonged to nurse Ratched…explains a lot.

  51. LucindaLucinda

    Origin of the POS

    Before the recording of time, (a long time ago) there dwelt a small tribe among the stones and scorpions in the clefts of a narrow stone canyon. Deep within the walls of the canyon was an underground brook where a mysterious creature, the Pyrocrag, swam among the pools formed by the brook. The Pyrocrag was not a fish, or a beast walking upon the earth. It had long flowing hair, brilliant shades of gold. Spending most of its life in the water, and in total darkness, it never knew what it looked like until one fateful day when an old woman (cave dweller) discovered one of the pools.

    In search of fresh water, the woman discovered much more than a mere pool of water. She gathered the hair, which Pyrocrag shed and wove a magic pair of pants. When the evil Lord of Drakon demanded taxes to be paid, she had nothing to give. He took the pants in lieu of taxes leaving her in peace. He put them on and strutted around, proud and arrogant.

    However, when he went out among his subjects, they laughed at him. No matter how much he cursed or stomped his feet in protest, his threats caused even more laughter at the a sight of his flaming yellow pants. He became so angry that he messed himself. (thus, the brownish streak) Ashamed, he ran from the stone canyon and was never seen again…

    Until now!

    Luci

    (add this to the long list of distractions keeping me from my WIP)

  52. Sandi HughesSandi Hughes

    I believe it was Dante who brought the POS back with him from his journey to the underworld. After all, was not his trek to Hell the greatest distraction of all? I hear tell that this is also the etymology of the word initially spelled “undanted” as in “Never be undaunted by obstacles distracting you from accomplishing your goal.”

  53. CaraCara

    Pants of Shame + Texas in the summer = Chafing. Somebody get that man some Body Glide and back to Oktoberfest.

  54. Henry HydeHenry Hyde

    I can’t believe that everybody so far has missed the true origins of the Pants of Shame.

    Swimming trunks, knitted by my aunt in 1965 and presented to me as a present during a summer holiday trip to Cornwall. Woollen swimming trunks are, as everyone knows, about as useful as a chocolate fireguard and as sexy as mashed turnips. The wool swells up and the sand gets caught in the weave… Let’s draw a discreet veil over that. Wounds heal, but small wonder I was 47 before I got my first girlfriend.

    I managed to ‘lose’ the trunks on the next holiday. Clearly, they drifted across the Atlantic and were rescued from a remote beach by the poor soul seen sporting them in the photograph, who added the fetching belt loops and handy pocket to house the brown paper bag for wearing over his head in public. He’s reaching for it now, having spotted someone in the distance who might recognise him.

    I’m feeling much better now. And my aunt will be delighted that her handiwork has become an object of mass worship, though she would insist that they are not holy, just holey.

    Blessed are the Pants of Shame.

    • Author Kristen LambAuthor Kristen Lamb

      Long live The Pants!

  55. DanaDana

    crochet hook not knitting needles

  56. Kathy AzevedoKathy Azevedo

    Ummm….. I had some leftover yarn in yellow and beige and it was enough to crochet a pair of shorts, but I have nothing to go with them.

    Maybe a matching vest would work

  57. Random comentator 52Random comentator 52

    #1 WHAT ON EARTH!?!?!?!?! #2 Why? #3 what possessed who to make those pants?

  58. Gina EdwardsGina Edwards

    Aww I see you have found my uncles golfing shorts, I wish we had a picture of him in his crocheted pants for those cool fall days on the golf course to keep all the essentials warm. Grandma even crocheted him a set of golf club covers with numbers on them to keep them protected. These were all the rage in the late 60’s early 70’s when it seems the world discover yarn, string and beads and low and behold crocheted clothing and macramé plant hangers, tables that where suspended from the ceiling became a style. Who can forget the large wine bottle terrarium with beads and macramé holder wrapped around its round bottom bottle suspended from the ceiling lighted by the streaming oil lamp with the Cockatoo in the middle playing ambient water and bird sounds. Awww how soothed my uncle looked stretched out on the plastic covered sofa in his crocheted shorts with the window air running, the sounds of water and the song of birds in the air while watching his 3-D shadow box painting with lights that form a wave effect in the glass painting while listening the ball game….this was the life.

  59. gilliansnotebookgilliansnotebook

    Oh, MY DOG! Being a child of the 70’s there are some things I remember well, (and are well worth remembering.) Others, (like those pants!) are mercifully forgotten.

    I remember the wine bottles tucked in the embroidered cozies. The plastic covered sofas were for people who A) had a cleanliness fixation B) wanted to torture people in short pants during the summer. C) Both of the above. Just sitting on a leather couch, with shorts was risky. The longer you sat, the more you’d sweat. And it’s better than even odds that if you sat for …an hour, on on of those plastic covered couches, you felt it when you got up…or TRIED to get up. A part of your back thigh had to be SLLLOOOOOWWWWWLLLYYYYYYYY peeled off, or you ran the risk of not having any skin on your butt by the time you left.

    It is POSSIBLE that GIRLS wore those embroidered pants (bell bottom style) but I don’t recall seeing any GUYS wear them. Either that or I’m so traumatized by the one sighting that I beat myself over the head with my embroidered wine bottle cozy to force the memory from my mind.

  60. Jenny the PirateJenny the Pirate

    Haaahahaha truly scary. But it’s Ark … ARK of the Covenant. Just saying. And like the Ark, one must not touch the Pants of Shame.

  61. Cheryel HuttonCheryel Hutton

    AHHHHHHH! I’d forgotten these things and was procrastinating online. Going back to my WIP now! Oh man, I’ll have nightmares tonight….*runs for WIP*

  62. delanceystewartDelancey StewartdelanceystewartDelancey Stewart

    I must have these pants. I think I’ve actually crocheted them in blue for a much tinier wearer… I made a crocheted flight helmet for my husband in a lovely shade of olive green. I think that if he were to wear these pants and the helmet, he might have a real shot at nerd world domination.

    Reply
    September 16, 2014
  63. lbeth1950lbeth1950

    One size fits all. Are you sure they didn’t sell these on a Sunday Morning infomercial and you got an extra pair for “But wait!” I know I’ve seen them!

    Reply
    September 21, 2014
  64. ingaliciousingalicious

    AHA, says the history-buff in me! This is so obvious, I absolutely know the origins of these pants!!!

    The Viking King Ragnar Lodbrok (Lodbrok meaning Hairy Breeches) was the first person to wear them, made for him by his wife Aslaug. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ragnar_Lodbrok

    The fact that you have managed to recreate these historically significant pants is astonishing, my hat off to you! I am well impressed. 😉

  65. kirizarkirizar

    Not to be nit-picky, but technically these are the Shorts of Shame (son of Pants of Shame) and much like his father, is dedicated to evil and the infernal desire to ride up as one walks. Beware the S.O.S.!

    Reply
    November 25, 2014
  66. tambra nicoletambra nicole

    Hi y’all, I’m new to the blog and I just joined the Facebook WANA.
    As for the SOS or POS I think those things could out do the ugly Christmas sweaters or at least be in stiff competition.

    Kristen, thank you for this lovely blog.

  67. tambra nicoletambra nicole

    Gather around to hear the story of the Pants of Shame. “Once upon a time, in the deepest bowels of Hell, Satan devised a device to torture unproductive writers. The evil crocheted creatures are rare, only two are in existence. Screams across the world reverberate. Listen, you can hear the pitiful wails from writers everywhere. ‘I’m blinded by the ugliness. How am I supposed write?’ Wait. A groan of pain and a hoarse cry, ‘The POS abomination has found me!’ Beware, for at any moment the Pants of Shame shall find you. They possess the power to burn their image on your retinas and mind. You will never be the same.”

    Thanks for letting me play!

      • pontiuscominiuspontiuscominius

        I’m pretty sure I saw this foretold in the Bible, in the book of the Revelation, chapter 16. Pay attention to the 2nd verse there:

        “1 And I heard a great voice out of the temple saying to the seven angels, Go your ways, and pour out the vials of the wrath of God upon the earth. 2 And the first went, and poured out his vial upon the earth; and there fell a noisome and grievous sore upon the men, which were pants crocheted in the colors of mustard, ochre, and desert tan. And an angel proclaimed, `These pants are a judgment upon the earth.'”

        Yep.

        Gonna need new eyeballs now.

        Reply
        February 25, 2015
        • pontiuscominiuspontiuscominius

          Please note that I do not use Frenchisms: I say crotch-i-ted. Not crow-shade. It helps if you read it that way out loud.

          Reply
          February 25, 2015
          • pontiuscominiuspontiuscominius

            Oooh, ooh, did I win the internet? Where do I send my 20 pages?

            Aw, wait, that was a different month. Never mind. I’ll go back to my story spreadsheet. Gotta have discipline. Wouldn’t it be cool if we could hire Marine Drill Instructors to help us write? Imagine:
            DI: WHAT. IS. THIS. PIECE. OF GARBAGE, PRIVATE?
            Author: My outline?
            DI: YOUR OUTLINE WHAT?
            Author: My outline… for my story?
            DI: YOUR OUTLINE WHAT?!!!!
            Author: Oh, sorry, I meant my outline, drill instructor.
            DI: Are you trying to get smart with me, private? This isn’t a thesis statement. This looks like Sidney Shelton puked on your page, private. Your thesis is meaningless, and you apparently can’t count to three. Why do you think we call it a three act play?
            Author: This feels abusive.
            DI: That’s not an answer, private!!!!
            Author: I thought you were going to help me write.
            DI: I’LL HELP YOU WRITE, DOGBREATH! Now drop and give me 2000 words, and if you don’t improve, so help me, you’ll spend the rest of your career writing Harry Potter slash fiction for FREE on AMAZON. Do you think you’re as good as Barbara Cartland, private?
            Author: No? I don’t write romance novels.
            DI: Cartland’s father died on Flanders field, private. He was a worthy officer in the British army. Her two brothers died in WWII. And Cartland produced 23 novels in 1983. You aren’t even worthy of writing the back panel of one of her novels. You disgust me.
            Author: Um… I’m going to Starbucks, might not be back. Ever.

            Scratch that, probably more demotivational than motivational.

            Reply
            February 26, 2015
            • Author Kristen LambAuthor Kristen Lamb

              You know what? Points for creativity. Send me ten to kristen @ wanaintl dot com. LOL. Thanks for the laugh!

              Reply
              February 26, 2015
              • pontiuscominiuspontiuscominius

                Um… (shuffles toe in carpet) I had some pages, but, you see, I found out there was this thing called an outline? And apparently you’re supposed to use it when writing. So I took my 15,000 glorious, beautiful, lovely words and tried to fit ’em in that outline and it was really messy, with vowels all over the floor and adverbs on my clothes. It’s okay, the adverbs come out with vinegar, but you have to do it, um, quickly.

                Being a process oriented guy, I immediately threw an adult tantrum and bought myself a corvette to feel better. Except without the corvette. Who can afford such things? I looked at Randy Ingermanson’s Snowflake method and embraced it as The New Gospel (you can’t get Charlie Manson without Ingermanson. Or… wait, you can. Forget I said that). I discovered there were motivational reaction units and scene and sequel and it’s 3 acts, sir, no more no less*. I learned that my characters had to have depth and breadth and be real people, not cardboard constructions. Finally, I learned that writing conflict is hard to do for each scene.

                Yeah, conflict is a dirty word. I’ll show you conflict! I’ll churn out 1000 words, and it’s dull as nails.

                (“WHAT IS THIS, WALLPAPER?” yells the DI.)

                Like I’m listening to him. I add an infodump just to make the marine more angry. I sneak in a few paragraphs from the Hobbit to see if he’s paying attention. He is, and I’m doing pushups while he reads the Hobbit paragraphs with a dreamy smile. It reminds him of his childhood.

                Thousands of outline words later, and I thought I was ready to write. “Let’s give this a whirl,” I said, because doesn’t everyone talk to their computer screen before undertaking projects? 5 pages later, I looked at my writing.

                It was like someone had beat a puppy. It was sad, unmotivated, and not interesting. There was no life to it. I thought about the corvette again, and then DI assigned me more pushups for writing slush.

                “Where’s the conflict!?” He raged. “This will put the reader to sleep. Permanently!”

                “There’s no need for that,” I protested.

                “Oh, yes, there is. Why don’t you tell the poor readers on Ms. Lamb’s blog what they need to hear?”

                “I can’t do that, drill instructor.”

                “YES YOU WILL!”

                Fine. I’m sorry Ms. Lamb, readers, the deal is… I don’t have 10 pages. The dog ate my homework.

                Raincheck?**

                Oh, and apparently the DI is saying because I’m not motivated, that the rest of you will be punished. So you’re all supposed to drop and give him 20… pages. Don’t beat me later in the barracks.

                *Unless you’re a special writer. Special writers are like operators in the army. They get to have beards and better toys and break the rules that everyone else has to use with pedestrian tediousness. Unfortunately, some of the special writers are women and look fairly strange with beards, but that’s a whole ‘nother post.

                **Do they even do rainchecks anymore? All the <30 folks are probably checking wikipedia now. "Seems it's an ancient bartering practice, from the 1970s."

                Reply
                February 26, 2015
              • pontiuscominiuspontiuscominius

                Wait a minute. The judge just ruled in my favor, and I’m saying “I’m not ready?”

                Scratch that.

                I will scorch ten pages right away. (ten double spaced pages? 8.5 x 11? 12 words a line? I don’t know! Conflict!)

                Reply
                February 26, 2015
  68. Deborah SmithDeborah Smith

    As a knitter, I’ve seen this beauty soooo many times. It’s the iconic representative of ALL “unfortunate” pattern choices. Trust me, it has rivals out there. Especially among the knitted thongs.

  69. ladyraenneladyraenne

    Just… Wow. I promise to write tonight, promise!

    However, the stitches used are definitely crocheted with a hook, not knitted. Much to my shame, as I am an expert at crochet. I’m so sorry.

  70. thesexiestwriterthesexiestwriter

    The famed monk Piehole the Pie-us was given the duty, upon swearing his oath to the Order of the Loom, of creating an undergarment for the most penitent of the order. It was to be a garment most itchy; indeed, this pair of drawers was to be so ghastly as to make one’s very eyeballs itch upon even the most accidental viewing. While the appearance was one of snug fit, the effect was one of itchy-wool-atonement to the gonadal region of the monk who had taken it upon himself to repent.
    The effect of creating such a dastardly attritional garment was not immediately realized. Being made of the most course of available wool, the POS could not be washed between the individual monk’s rites of penitence. As the years passed, they became fetid, but this in and of itself was of little consequence as the monks themselves rarely bathed and never ventured into the world outside the Monastery of Fleece. It was not until the first crotch crickets took up residence (the first reference to said crotch crickets in the POS being listed in The Manifesto of Monk Eugene the Fusser in 1466, just months before said monk burned down the entire abbey in an attempt to destroy the POS) that the destructive power of the garment became apparent. Having miraculously survived the fire (they were being worn by Monk Pontious Pissalot as atonement for an unnamed but assuredly horrid misdeed when said monk swam the moat of stale beer to escape the flames) they were later, in 1478, the inspiration for many of the actions of the Tribunal of the Holy Office of the Inquisition (later simply referred to as the Spanish Inquisition). The Pants of Shame were used exclusively for the most heretic of those sentenced by the inquisition until the early 1800’s, when the pants of shame were stolen by a young Bonapartist who decided that they were “fashionable.” (as a side note, the POS were considered decidedly “unfashionable” for their entire history, save for the Bonapartists and a period of approximately 4 years in the United States from 1969-1972) When the body of this poor soul washed up on the shores of Elba after his death from anemia, the stage was set for the unlikely return of Napoleon from his exile. The memoirs of his assistant, Pierre le Cochon, suggests that the loss at Waterloo could be partially attributed to Napoleon’s “inability to stop scratching his nether-quarters”.
    Although many have chosen death rather than have to wear the Pants of Shame, It is interesting to note that Ozzie Osbourne wore them for the entirety of his “Paranoid” tour with Black Sabbath, seemingly without incident. They were stolen by a roadie while Ozzie was passed out in the back of his tour bus, which led to Ozzie leaving Black Sabbath and going on to a solo career. That same roadie was bludgeoned to death with a tire iron by a hobo just months later. The Pants of Shame have been mentioned only in urban folklore, but not actually seen by reliable sources, since 1975.

  71. Matt BowesMatt Bowes

    “Frodo, you have something,” Gandalf said.
    “Why, Gandalf, are you referring to the ring of great power that confers invisibility and corrupts the carrier to the point that it turns him into Andy Serkis? A ring that must destroyed in the fires of Mount Doom?”
    “No, Frodo Baggins. That ring is destroyed! I took it myself when you were sleeping and flew on an eagle to Mordor and destroyed it myself, thus murdering Sauron and halting his murderous armies from every encroaching on Gondor and screwing up Aragorn’s chance to be king.”
    “What then, Gandalf?”
    Gandalf gazed at the hobbit and then pointedly at his pants.
    “Is it… the pants of shame?”
    “Yes, my hobbit friend, it is. You wear them at inappropriate times.”
    “But Gandalf, I wear them all the time.”
    “All the time is inappropriate. Ever since your uncle Bilbo took them from Gollum and slew the orcs of the Misty Mountains with them, they have been inappropriate.”
    “Bilbo said they helped him.”
    “Yes, helped him by offending the forest elves, and the men on the lake, and the dragon.”
    “Smaug was killed by Bard,” Frodo said with conviction.
    “No, Frodo. Smaug died of indigestion. He choked on a sheep when he saw the pants. Smaug died from the Pants of Shame.”
    “But they aren’t harming anyone else?” Frodo chewed his lower lip, for lack of something better to do in a dialogue tag.
    “Look around, Frodo. What do you see?”
    “I see you. And a desert wasteland. Where the shire used to be.”
    Gandalf rolled his eyes. “I see sentence fragments, Frodo Baggins, sentence fragments. People from the 1930s spoke with complete sentences. Yes, this used to be a rich and green environment. Then the pants came. You are too young to remember it. The pants destroyed the shire.”
    “But what about the hobbits here? They are as alive as ever. And uncle Bilbo!”
    “No, Frodo. This is a William Faulkner story now. With no ring to destroy, we must instead focus on a macabre obsession with corpses.”
    “I don’t understand, Gandalf. Faulkner?”
    “Yes. All the hobbits were killed by the Pants of Shame. This is now a story called a Rose for Miss Emily.”

  72. barryknisterbarryknister

    Even as I am appalled to learn of TPOS (probably hyphens should be used, as with Y–W–H), I am also grateful to be alerted to them. But whatever/whoever the keeper of TPOS may be, that person should ASAP secure franchising/copyright/patent protection. Otherwise, James Patterson will monetize TPOS as part of his package for writers. And there goes what’s left of Western Civ.

  73. jsgreenblogjsgreenblog

    Stop. They’re awesome. I want them for my Axl Rose halloween costume. Instead of biker shorts, I’ll rock the POS, a cut off shirt, and bandana headband and still look better than Axl Rose does now. (I do love the rock legend, but damn how he’s aged!)

  74. Ty MallTy Mall

    I was curious about the Pants. I’m now sorry…very, very sorry.

  1. More Cowbell Mash-up #7 – Kick Creativity In The A$$ | Jenny Hansen's Blog
  2. The End is Near (and we deserve it). . . . School Understaffed, but wants iPads for Kindergarteners « Author Piper Bayard
  3. Late Sunday Summary, #ROW80 and Operation G.I.T. | Kait Nolan
  4. Understanding Influence–Making the Most of Our Time on Social Media « Kristen Lamb's Blog
  5. Out of the Doghouse, Wearing the Pants of Shame | Spann of Time
  6. Sawyer Speaks: Get the low-down on author Kait Nolan | Michelle Muto
  7. NaNoWriMo Motivation – Pants of Shame « Epicwriter88's Blog
  8. Kristen Lamb | JessicaAspenWrites
  9. Woof Wednesday: Ask Amy–Why Do Dogs Love Underwear? « Amy Shojai's Blog
  10. NaNoWriMo Motivation – Pants of Shame « Jennifer J Randolph's Blog
  11. Things I Found … Being Nosey «
  12. Can pants really cause temporary insanity? Yes. | In other words
  13. Overalls by Darling Derriere Designs, Crochet Pattern Review « crochet pattern reviews
  14. The Pants of Shame | Kristen Lamb’s Blog | Boxelders and Blackberries
  15. The Pants of Shame « Adventures Of A Teen Writer
  16. The Chase | James L'Etoile
  17. Three Awesome Things | Kait Nolan
  18. Writer Boot Camp Part I | Pontius Cominius
  19. I WON! I WON! Wait. What have I done!? Sacre Bleu! The 10 pages challenge | Dog's Breakfast
  20. The Pants of Shame | Dawn V. Cahill - Hot Topic Fiction

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *