Lately, Brave New World has become one of the hottest selling novels, and many of us have become even more suspicious of that white panel van that passes our homes daily. Sure it has ice-cream and plays tinkly music, but that cover is so thin Stevie Wonder could see right through it.
After the whole Edward Snowden whistle-blowing debacle, the Obama Administration and the Intelligence community have been up to their ears in hot water and bad press. Spying on regular citizens with no cause or warrant? Invading privacy and throwing the 4th Amendment out the window? Reading our e-mails? Monitoring our Internet? Those activities are just the sort that create an image problem.
Thus, sources tell me (sources being the voices in my head) that, in order to get back in the good graces of the American public, the current administration has decided to appoint Santa to head up any future intelligence operations. Come on, Santa IS the perfect fit.
Santa Knows Everyone and Everything
He knows when you’ve been sleeping. He knows when you’re awake. He knows if you’ve been bad or good so be good for goodness sake…
Revised for the Intelligence community:
He knows what you’ve been surfing. He knows the shows you hate. He knows if you vote red or blue, so be good if you know what’s good for you…
Alright, maybe a little clunky, but still a clear warning for all of us to behave. Santa can spot all kinds of terrorist activities like 1) putting the roll of toilet paper with the paper feeding under not over, 2) paying retail 3) wearing white shoes after Labor Day 4) listening to too much Justin Bieber and 5) possessing lukewarm appreciation for the sheer AWESOMENESS of Grumpy Cat and more…
All I’m saying is why didn’t they recruit this guy earlier? How much time and money could we have saved locating Osama bin Laden? One would think that being omniscient is an automatic YES! for being hired to the NSA. Um, duh?
He Travels Beyond Light Speed
This guy travels the world faster than Google. Think of how much more efficient spying would be if we could do it as fast as Santa. Santa can hop down a few hundred million chimneys, eat cookies, take time to nicely stack presents with an appreciation for presentation and then LEAVE with no proof he’s been there other than missing cookies and that new iPad we asked for beautifully wrapped and left under our Christmas trees.
Which brings me to my next point…
People have been searching for this guy for CENTURIES yet he still leaves no evidence…even after the invention of DNA profiling. IN, OUT, GONE. Perfect recruit for the Intelligence world. He’s never even been located on radar. Maybe Santa could instruct our government how he makes the sleigh the perfect stealth aircraft. Maybe we’ve been underestimating “Reindeer Technology.” We could TOTALLY use that kind of help.
Who knew these things were so FAST? Why aren’t physicists in Cern running THESE guys through the Hadron Collider?
Enemies Would Underestimate Him
Santa shows up, and all the bad guy is thinking is one of two things:
1) Why is some guy from the mall dressed as Santa at my house in JULY?
2) OMG! It’s TOTALLY freaking SANTA!
Nobody expects to be capped by SANTA. No one pulls out a weapon or thinks of self defense when faced with this cherub-faced man known for his superlative gift-giving skills. Santa could double-tap any ruthless dictator before they could ask, “Hey, did you bring me that nuclear device I asked for in my letter?”
Santa Has More Doubles than Castro
Even when the bad guys (known as the American public) catch on that Santa is in charge of the NSA, what can we do about it? He has doubles EVERYWHERE and thing is?
…..We never know which one is real.
This man is the perfect spy.
Uparalleled Work Ethic
Santa delivers billions of gifts and is paid in MILK AND COOKIES. This guy not only works cheap, but he’s FAST, so he could work for ALL our security agencies—NSA, CIA, FBI, ICE, and Facebook.
…and *spoiler alert*
He Isn’t REAL
This is really key because I’m pretty sure that imaginary creatures can’t violate the Constitution. Also, since he’s apparently immortal, the taxpayers wouldn’t have to pay for dental, health care or retirement planning. This dude works FOREVER and he’s got roughly 363 days of the year free, since everyone knows that his elves do all the shopping, building and wrapping.
The government could keep spying on regular citizens because we just accept that Santa’s been doing it for centuries and we never griped before. He’s not only been reading our mail, but our THOUGHTS.
I mean right now, we’re looking at our government through Huxley-an glasses. What better way to improve their public image than have SANTA as the face of Intelligence?
HE GIVES GIFTS!!!
At least we’d have a trade-off for losing our Constitutional right to privacy. PRESENTS!
The Administration needs to recruit Santa NOW before someone else does.
What are your thoughts? How else does Santa make the perfect choice for spying on the entire world? Who might be a better choice? And, if Santa DOES spy on us, shouldn’t we get presents more often than just ONCE a year? Maybe people like me who left their Christmas trees up until MEMORIAL DAY aren’t just lazy white trash? MAYBE we were onto something. MAYBE it was really just to appease the guy spying on us. Bet you feel super silly now taking your trees down before MARCH.
I love hearing from you!
To prove it and show my love, for the month of June, everyone who leaves a comment I will put your name in a hat. If you comment and link back to my blog on your blog, you get your name in the hat twice. If you leave a comment, and link back to my blog, and mention my book We Are Not Alone in your blog…you get your name in the hat THREE times. What do you win? The unvarnished truth from yours truly.
I will pick a winner once a month and it will be a critique of the first 20 pages of your novel, or your query letter, or your synopsis (5 pages or less).
And also, winners have a limited time to claim the prize, because what’s happening is there are actually quite a few people who never claim the critique, so I never know if the spam folder ate it or to look for it and then people miss out. I will also give my corporate e-mail to insure we connect and I will only have a week to return the 20 page edit.
At the end of June I will pick a winner for the monthly prize. Good luck!
We join Ruth as she wipes her first iced tea of the morning off of her computer screen….
This was great!!
One of your best Kristen!
I laughed the whole way through. You did forget to mention his trustee side kick Rudolph. The red, red, nose actually hides a laser beam so if anyone catches him in the act, they’re vaporized with the finally of a phaser from Star Trek! Date: Tue, 25 Jun 2013 13:20:22 +0000 To: firstname.lastname@example.org
Santa is a good choice. As a marketer for many years, the surveilance thing doesn’t bother me, and honestly, if you use the web, you should expect everything will be monitored.,..nothing is free. Why others do not get this is beyond me; But I like your idea of Santa giving presents. Maybe if others saw the benefit every once in awhile in the form of a gift, they’d stop complaining everything is so unfair…. thanks for the fun way to to look at this situation.
Hi Robin. Just so you know, it’s not only the voluntary information we give during our web browsing that is collected and analyzed. It’s also VISA purchases, bank records, library habits, online medical records, pharmacy records, phone records, and every other electronic transaction we make. I think most people would let PRISM slide if it only included the voluntary info we give out on the web.
Clearly, Santa is the better choice. 🙂
My last name being Noel, I rejoyce at the idea that the US government will be employing my dad (Papa Noel).
Realy, Kristen, you need to get more sleep!
Thanks for an enjoyable beginning to the day.
Ah the humor. I think Santa will be hesitant to lower his standards to match the intelligence community. I know that what happened nearly 12 years go in New York, Washington and Philadelphia will always mean the intelligence communities are aware, I have no issue with that. But awareness that borders on paranoia is unnecessary. I think the time of the intelligence resources could be better used with the focus on people more likely to be a real threat.
In the spring time the Easter Bunny could take over. Who would suspect a fuzzy bunny of any wrong doing. And he leaves gifts too. Aside from the easter baskets he leaves, there are the hidden eggs. The Easter Bunny could teach other operatives how to hide cameras and other surveilance equipment so that none of it will be found until it is too late.
OMG that is too funny. Kristen you are the best. What about the tooth fairy? What does she do with all those teeth? Maybe she is installing all the instacams and stuff Santa uses to spy on us?
A very novel way to present a Republican point of view. Anyone and that really would be all of us, in the US and most places in the world who have fallen victim to terrorism would not mind a bit of checking us out to prevent future attacks. Case in point, the brothers in the Boston Marathon bombing. One was just a good college kid, the other an ok neighbor. So it was believed. Yet if there had been a bit of checking up on them, perhaps the bombings would have been prevented. So liberals like me have a bit of an open mind toward preventing terrorist attacks. Maybe it comes from all those years of believing in Santa Claus and thinking Rudolph really did fly. And too I think Obama is a really good guy trying to do a great job with roadblocks set up on every avenue he walks. I think too, he has the best interest of all people in mind in a very difficult world. Maybe even a little like Santa Claus trying to deliver happiness where little exists.
It’s a HUMOR post. Besides, the ACLU (as far from Conservative as Jupiter is from the QT down my street) is really unhappy.
Many people trusted Nixon when he said, “Trust me,” too. Too bad all of that spying on Americans couldn’t locate a couple of pot smoking deadbeats with a hotline to Chechnya Central.
Thank you for the HUMOR post. 🙂
Thanks….humor it is for both of us…enjoy your day. Thanks for the reply.
“He’s never even been located on radar.”
Do you mean to tell me that the NORAD SANTA TRACKER I follow on Christmas Eve has been LYING TO ME ALL THESE YEARS?
Your logic is faulty. Hahahahahaha! those are all reason why Santa would never be involved with government. Ethics being first on the list.
Wait, what? Humor? You? no way!!!
Clearly it is my Tea Party agenda and not just me being silly. I mean Santa DOES wear RED. Yeah, good point. Santa has ethics. Probably disqualified. DANG!
Very clever. I enjoyed it!
Hilarious post Kristen, but I’m kind of shocked by the reaction to the Snowden thing by so many people. I thought everyone had known by now that the government has been violating our privacy since the cold war. Paranoia runs rampant in DC. Not that their inability to stop terrorism has proven they know what to do with anything they’ve gleaned.
Ok, foil hat has been removed. I’m no conspiracy theorist, but conspiracies are great for getting the creative juices flowing. Time to write, thanks for the unexpected motivation!
I would like to say that I too support the Over, not under toilet paper mounting method, until my mom explained once that she placed it under to save the cats from themselves…
I dunno….better watch her. That seems shifty to me. And the Cute Cat Deflection is usually a thin veil for plans for global domination ;).
no, it was more like, she did the kitty thing, unraveling the roll in the middle of the night, and got chased for it, so by switching it to underhand, they can’t do that as well, keeping my father from stressing out and snapping at them. it is for their own safety.
I believe in Santa. 😀
Still think Emelie Sande said it best at the close of the London Olympics (and she did look a little bit like one of Santa’s elves) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FsVIzK1VLdo
Humor and not-so-subtle sarcasm at its best. Loved it!
Very clever … But the other side seems to have beat them to the punch. Isn’t it Santa who gets us to buy the same myth year after year while invading foreign countries and leaving us steeped in debt? Just sayin … 🙂
Well I’m safe from Santa he leaves the Jews, Muslims, and many non-christians alone… We might get suspicious if he started taking an interest in us… Not to rain on your parade… Geez maybe I should be taking an Internet time-out.
Funny, funny piece. The sarcasm is always so much better when edged with humor. Thanks for the chuckle.
Yeah, this is probably why I need a few days off, LOL. Tired to the point of serious goofiness.
Kristen, you’ve just described the HUAC from the 50s when the govt believed everyone was a communist. And once again, they’re watching the wrong people…
I find it so interesting that people forget the McCarthy hearings, how writers, artists, actors and creative people had their lives DESTROYED. This wasn’t a political post at all, just me being silly, but we need to keep an eye on our government. People who think invading our privacy is necessary might not agree if the opposing party was in office.
My current novel deals with an ex actor being hounded by the HUAC in the 50s. I guess since McCarthy is dead, it’s okay to bring it up… though that wasn’t my aim, the story is actually a romance…. 🙂 It would be too easy for that thread to take over, and for a romantic drama to turn into a controversial political thriller… 🙂 with Santa as the real mastermind behind the villain, of course… 🙂
All hail Grumpy Cat. All hail Grumpy Cat. All hail Grumpy Cat. 🙂
Out flippin’ standing! It’s too bad those without a sense of humor can’t keep it to themselves.
Too funny! I wonder what Big Brother thinks of all of us writers? I’m sure some of us certainly have some ‘interesting’ internet searches.
Several people have found my writer’s blog by using the search term “hamster ass.” Just sayin’.
Hahaha! That’s awesome!
“Nobody expects to be capped by SANTA.”
OMG, Kristen. Now I have to clean laugh spit off my screen!
NEWS FLASH–SANTA IS ALREADY WORKING FOR THE FEDS! He’s the guy who delivered the “free” phones to those who vote for a living. (Well, “free” to those who got ’em, but paid for by the folks who work for a living…)
This was hilarious!
As usual, you made me crack up. I have a post entitled “Why I Hate Santa Claus.” It is also funny.
I hope it makes you laugh, too. I am putting your link on SARA and SAWG today.
How could you plant this idea in their creepy heads!? Santa is perfect and virtuous and has no place in our politics. So funny. 🙂
This rates right up there with your Panty-liner advertisement post. Hilarious!
Since I just started reading Kristen’s blog I hadn’t seen this one. Searched the archives for it. OMG!!! Laughed till I couldn’t breathe!
So funny! Add Elvis (impersonators of course, since he really wasn’t beamed up by aliens, Right?…) and they would have a great spy team! Love your blogs!
I am laughing so hard right now. Warn a girl, Kristen! I nearly choked on my lunch. That’s a lie. A fib. A falsehood. An untruth. I didn’t nearly choke on my lunch. Okay? :sob: Make a note, Santa. Naughty, naughty, naughty.
In addition to Brave New World, I recommend 1984. Big Brother is watching… Seem George Orwell got everything right but the year, hehe.
Great post Kristen! You had me laughing and getting strange looks from folks in the room with me. Fun stuff.
it is inevitable that they capture this data – it is too easy. The best we can hope for is oversight. Already the have used the IRS, FBI, EPA against individuals.
Just like we have to trust Santa, they want us to trust they know what we really need.
Kristen Lamb, you’re a brilliant lamb with highly astute insight. The ideas in your head are worth pursuing and you prove that by backing your statements. Love ya women, I don’t know how you made it to my email, but, you’re staying!
Aww, thanks Donna. Great to have you here and thrilled you are having fun and being entertained 😀 *HUGS*
Having just been read your latest posting, I am shell-shocked!
You’ve blown the ‘Santa’ clause out of the father/son contract between Dad and me, even before we had the chance to argue over the small print.
Dad wasn’t going to have to propagate the ‘Benevolent-Fat-Bearded-Dude-In-A-Red-Suit’ story about the existence of Mr Claus, that was handed down to him, for at least another five months.
So thanks, from him, for relieving him of this tiresome task. However, I’m not so thankful and am going off to meditate on this revelation for a while (It may appear as though I’m wailing and then sleeping, but don’t be fooled!).
Dad wants me to say that he enjoyed reading the satire; keep it up!
Hilariously clever! Santa is also an unparalleled physicist, with his ability to manipulate the space-time continuum in order to deliver presents to everyone in the entire world in one evening. You are so right. They need to recruit Santa ASAP!
Kristen, I follow only those who make sense to me, you’re one of them. I just shared your brilliant story with Google, Facebook, and Twitter. So be prepared to have a larger audience, because I have over 2 million Google supporters. At year end 2012 my supporters reach 1,755,129 million.
That would rock. Here’s hoping :D. Can use all the help I can get, LOL.
Liberty University teaches in their on-line Bible classes, that God gave us three Institutions as gifts. (I’m looking right at my textbook.) Yes, gifts. The first was Marriage (In Genesis with Adam), the second was Self-Government (Genesis after Noah) and the third in the NT (the Church). I’ve been wondering how many people know our Government (the right to govern)…is a gift, and why some…seem to hate it so much… Struck a cord with me when you mentioned Santa, and Gifts and Government. I, for one, do not want to throw the baby out with the bathwater. I believe we can fix anything if we really want to. This is my question…. Who are these guys (or gals) who don’t want to? and Why don’t they want to. Each State must vote ’em o-u-t. P.S. Wish I was in TX marching in Austin, with the women.
Kristen, thank you for always lifting my mood and making me smile. We writers must engage consumers through trust, vulnerability and transparency. There is no room for secrecy in the digital era!
Does anyone else think there’s an uncanny resemblance between Grumpy Cat and Ron #%!!*&! Swanson??
Okay, just did a search. Nope. I’m definitely not the only one.
Surveillance, it seems as big of a rising problem as a controversy within the community. It seems those who are bothered by it should have at least some say so to their very own rights. I would have a lawyer look into anything “fishy” if possible.
1984 would have been a great reference-
I made the mistake of reading that while living in Syria. Bad when it becomes a NF book, LOL.
Hahaha oh my.
There is a 4th Amendment for a reason. Law enforcement must bring evidence before a judge to secure a warrant to look into our personal life (bank accounts, medical records, phone calls, etc). Any government that can just ignore the judiciary’s role is a government that needs a pop on the snoot, and I don’t care WHO is in office. We sign Terms of Service when we use social media and we accept what goes with search engines, but this is not what they have been breaching. They’ve been looking at stuff that requires a warrant.
But Santa can TOTALLY get around all that :D.
VERY TRUE. We wouldn’t event see it coming… Agent Claus.
Right? I’d be all like, “Here’s some cook—” BAM! BAM! Lights? OUT.
We all knew that nothing was private once it left our fingertips … now we KNOW it’s true.
Hi Kristen. If I could find him I would let Santa run the NSA and the DHS.
His motives would be purer I am sure. Thanks for visiting my blog *HUGS*
You make a good case for Santa . . . too bad it’s not Christmas Eve!
Personally, when it comes to surveillance issues, I think the Easter Bunny is much ‘better suited’ for the job. Besides, many people still don’t have cable, never mind digital, so those rabbit ears can come in extra handy . . . and next to the Easter Bunny, the most famous one is named “BUGS”.
They don’t work for peanuts, but carrots are close enough, even when they’re working on Apples.
Finally, if reinforcements are needed, there’s always Tweety Bird!
RABBIT EARS! FREAKING GENIUS!
On a documentary programming back in the seventies it showed about Bobby Kennedy, while attorney general, taught to corrupt immediate family members (report to the federal government) in order to fight Mafia Families. Maybe Holder needs technology. I think; it is just EGO politics. They did not want to use NSA because it was the people of Reagan who knew how to use it, Cal-Poly and Silicon Valley. Now they are finding out YALE and HARVARD lawyers are not up for the task to compete with the world in intelligence so they are back asking the people of Reagan to help out. I hope; it does not get Jerry Brown elected in 2016. Bill Gates would be more reasonable in thinking to elect, even if he is not from the land of Fruits and of Nuts.
Can we elect Captain Kangaroo? He loved everyone :D. I don’t trust government PERIOD. I don’t care WHO is in office. Not a party thing at ALL. Government needs to remember that we are their employers and they are not some new aristocracy. That goes for Red, Blue and in-between. They work for ME.
When the number one contender right now is Hillary, which I will expect election fraud, to prevent her primary victory; I believe that Bill Gates or somebody from the private sector really has a chance. The future is more global economy than international politics. I was told by friends at Southwest Missouri and friends of Jerry Jones (Dallas Cowboys) that the boss man of the Dallas Cowboys’ Cheerleaders really wants to be president. He will run Democrat since my Southwest Missouri friends are Democrats. I may not vote for him, but if elected I see nothing against it. If he is serious, including Gates; they need to start commenting on domestic federal issues after the 2014 elections of senators and house members. They will have the media frenzy more than Joe or John or Hillary or Marco.
Jerry Jones is Skeletor. BEWARE!
The archenemy of He-Man. Who would be He-Man? It cannot be Hillary. Joe or John or Marco? Maybe a new master of the universe not known yet as the protector of the United States. Mark Cuban, of the Dallas Mavericks, had been mentioned if the voters really want a businessman and there is always Michael Bloomberg, the current mayor of New York City. If Mister Bloomberg did not leave the Republican Party, he would be a frontrunner to save America from economic doom. It looks like consumer confidence is back up. Maybe the less consumption of big-size sodas and for obese people to diet are allowing the American economy to meet demand, but there is always consumption of gasoline in July and August before back to school. As an independent the Mayor of New York City lost a lot of supporters. He could always go back, to save Castle Grayskull. Mister Jones already knows the secret of success. But can he run the country. What are his thoughts of protecting Americans from the unknowns? Most people can hear the military drones hovering above like the Good Humor little truck.
“Anyone and that really would be all of us, in the US and most places in the world who have fallen victim to terrorism would not mind a bit of checking us out to prevent future attacks”. “So liberals like me …”. No. I am liberal. I am nothing like you.
Since when does claiming that your views are the views of “everyone” qualify you as “liberal”? People that claim that their views are the views of “everyone” are not being liberal. They are being despotic and fascist.
The sad fact that many Americans are so willing to abandon their own constitutional rights pretty well explains why we have so many of the problems that we do in the USA today.
I don’t want ANY government having these powers. Reminds me too much if when I lived in Syria *shivers*
It’s funny you spoke about this today…I watched ELF this morning while I was getting ready for my new job. Will Ferrel as Buddy was inspired – “Buddy the Elf, what’s your favorite color?” and, “You’re not Santa…you smell like beef and cheese.” and “You sit on a throne of lies.” make me laugh every time he says them.
But getting back to your blog, no, I wouldn’t mind having Santa spy on me since he already knows when I’ve been sleeping, when I’m awake and when I’ve eaten the last double stuff Oreos in the cookie jar even though they were supposed to be for my daughter’s lunch (all though Jay Holmes above me might think I’m adding to America’s problems by allowing Saint Nick to play big brother)
And, Kristen, reindeer should DEFINITELY be run through the Hadron Collider!!!
God, this was a funny post!
Thanks for the laughs…I needed them after a day at the Kroger training center 🙂
Have a happy evening!
YOU WOULD BE THE PERFECT PERSON TO APPRECIATE MY REINDEER-HADRON-COLLIDER JOKE. I laughed my @$$ off. But then again, I crack myself up often. And Holmes said he was TOTALLY up for hiring Santa if he could find him.
Santa….you elusive creature, you.
Good on Weird Al Yankovic for putting out the warning in “The Night Santa Went Crazy” – we can indeed expect to be ‘capped’ by Santa! “Merry Christmas to all! now you’re all gonna die!”
You do know that Santa started all the Big Brother stuff, don’t you? He knows when you are sleeping, He knows when you’re awake…. So, did NSA originally stand for National Santa Association, until it was so successful it was commandeered and amplified by the elves in the US government? Like Mark Twain expressed about patriotism, “I am in support of my country always, and government only when it deserves it.”
I like the idea of them recruiting him, though he is so far beyond Emeritus-squared pay grade, it might move the decimal in the national debt. It IS for Santa, though, so wouldn’t it be worth it. Heck, stockings and stocking stuffers might be a write-off as donations!
We must stop the terrorist under-T.P. revolution before it, um, takes over!
So in light of this brilliant idea, who gets to do the TSA patdowns? The Easter Bunny?
LOL Love this!! Thank you for the good laugh. 😀
That was the funniest thing I have read in a long time. Thank you for the laugh! Reblogging!
Reblogged this on Darswords and commented:
Wonderful, Kristen. Nothing like a little witty perspective, Santa, and Grumpy Cat to start the day! Thanks. 🙂
Santa doesn’t just *know* what we’re doing all the time, he’s making lists about it. I hope he thinks I belong on the “NICE” list. 😉
No you are on the AWESOME-SAUCE LIST!
Great post, Kristen. Santa is THE perfect choice. Am I to understand you actually took down the tree?
NO! HUBBY TOOK IT DOWN! TRAITOR! I was so ticked. I even had to go outside to calm down, LOL.
I thought you might like to know that you’re not the only one disturbed by the revelations about the NSA’s domestic spying program. There’s a growing movement called “Restore the Fourth” that’s planning nationwide protests.
What a great and funny blog post, Kristen!! It made me laugh – and I really do need to laugh right now!! Thanks a lot for this!!