Ah, Valentine’s Day. Fifteen years ago—before I met my incredible husband—was a really rough time for me in the ways of love. I was in my mid-thirties, always the bridesmaid and never the bride. At least three prior engagements hadn’t “worked out” and my family found it funny to call me “The Runaway Bride” because—to make a long story short—I was picky.
Anyway, my go-to way to handle stress/anxiety has always been humor. Thus, after the umpteenth time my family had something snarky to say about me being single “at my age” I riffed off this funny little poem.
Hey, I made myself laugh. That’s all that counted, right?
I’m certainly no poet, and this is all just for a chuckle. So for those still searching for love, who also find Valentine’s Day stressful, I hope this makes you smile.
***And yes, I updated it a smidge since dating sites change.
Twas the Night Before Valentine’s
…by Kristen Lamb
Twas the night before Valentines, and all through the land
The poor single people were wringing their hands
Handcuffs were hung by the nighties with care
Near the lotions and chocolates and lace underwear.
A day made by Hallmark to sell lots of stuff
Pushing candies and kittens and kisses and fluff
A day that makes “single” a social disease
Like bubonic or typhoid or chiggers or fleas
And that fat baby Cupid must be on the take
Paid in layers of cash stuffed in red velvet cake.
Love songs are played on every last station
As “mush” takes over our entire nation.
Now not that we’re jaded, us single-type folk
We’ve tried Tinder and Match, and Equally-Yoked
Suffered parks and clubs and churches and bars
And a handful resorted to wishing on stars.
Like most other people, we long for a mate
Who gets all our jokes and steals fries off our plate.
Maybe we’re picky, world-weary, or fussy
Since we won’t date just any Joe Schmo or hussy.
We want someone smart, attractive, and sweet.
Hey, just cuz we’re single doesn’t make us minced meat.
We do not begrudge the romance of others
The passion of courtship, the heat between lovers.
Before you judge our singular state
Think back to the days when YOU had to date.
Tomorrow we’ll stand in the grocery store line
Behind the new boyfriend with too little time
With his “Get-Well” bouquet cuz he waited too late
To score the red roses to give to his date.
Hallmark has trained us to scurry and dash
Into boutiques and florists with fistfuls of cash.
For stuffed little critters with a lap full of love
And boxes of chocolate morsels from Dove.
Yet, Singles won’t stand hours waiting to dine
On elf food with garnish and overpriced wine.
No chocolates with abnormal tropical middles
Or angst about thighs that may wiggle and jiggle.
No staying in bars desperately late
Trying to connect with a last-minute date.
So embrace your status and shout it out loud.
Yes, I am single! Single and Proud!
Best Valentine’s Day experience? Worst?
My worst experience was back in the early 2000s. At the time, I traveled for sales and New Orleans was part of my territory. My then-fiance thought he’d surprise me and take me to Mardi Gras…except, being on the spectrum—which I didn’t know I was at the time—I could not take large crowds and that much sensory overload. Still can’t. It absolutely unstitches me.
I did TRY to join the celebration…and had a panic attack. With so many people and all the noise, lights and smells? NOPE. Though a very thoughtful Valentine’s plan on his part, I rushed back to my room and would only watch the parades from the window.
My BEST Valentines was when I met Hubby and my cat, Roobee—who hid from everyone but me—fell madly in love with my then-boyfriend. She kept bringing him hair bands all day! She’d pile them in the floor in different patterns then howl until he came and petted her and told her how amazing her “art” was.
Then, he’d leave and she’d rearrange them in a DIFFERENT pattern and yowl until he came running…which he did every time.
When he went into his room, she’d piled hairbands all over his pillow.
Roobee was with me 21 years and with us for 13 years of our marriage. Hubby took care of her in old age and he held her, weeping, when she passed. When he returned from the vet with her ashes and a paw print, all that remained in the bathtub where she’d last been sleeping was a towel…and one single hair band.
If THAT isn’t a great love story, what is?
What Are Your Thoughts?
Is this a holiday you enjoy? If so, why? I KNOW I have some romance authors here who are experts in this area. Do you have a favorite Valentine’s Day tradition? Or, are you like I used to be? You just lay low for that two weeks until everyone decides green beer is a great idea.
Only one word suits: SWEET!
And your poem is great!
Your poem is very cute! And I loved the story of the love between your DH and Roobie. xo
A lovely poem. Great fun.
What a beautiful story about the love between your husband and cat. It brought tears to my eyes.
Your boyfriend/Hubby/Roobee story just left me a blobby mass of warm and Valentine-y emotion.
Three people ahead of me who said both the things I wanted to say.
I’ll say ’em anyway: Love the poem! Love the cat story!
Keep on trucking, girl! We’re with you far as you’ll take us.
Awwww (((HUGS)). That is one of the loveliest comments in the history of this blog. *tears up* Thanks so much for being my support team. I do this for you guys. Gives me a lot of meaning and purpose.
I watch violent movies and then I get half price candy the next day. Gives me something to look forward too. I did not; however, need to cry about your cat at work today.
Apologies about the Roobie story (but it IS sweet and wrecked me writing it). As for the violent movies and half-price candy? YOU TOO????? NO WONDER we are PEEPS!
Enjoyed your poem, Kristen, and the sweet story of your puss-cat…On February 14, 1953, my charismatic…humorous…husband, gave me a Valentine card (which I still have) worded: “Wot are you doing tomorrow then?” Luckily, it had stopped snowing when photographs were taken the next day, after we were married on the 15th February, 1953. This year, it is our 70th anniversary. Where has it all gone? We’ve had three, much-loved sons, lots of adventures…and both written Memoirs. Mine “My Gentle War” (lst on Kindle for a while in the social history category), and “A Life Worth Living, which was also published. Was so pleased to hear you landed “A winner” too… xx
Oh that I did! We met and was love at first sight. Married four months after first date and my only regret is I didn’t find him sooner.
What a BEAUTIFUL story!
Happy Valentines Day, Kristen! FWIW, I think the poem is better than the original on which it’s modeled. 😉
Ha! Ha! Love your Valentine’s Day poem, Kristen. Glad that’s now a faded memory. I am a widow, so this romantic holiday is bittersweet for me. Love the photo of Roobee and so sorry she had to cross the rainbow bridge. Sweet memories.
The hairband in the bathtub made me cry…
Trust me. It wrecked me, too. But a beautiful love story, right?
Great post! Love your poem and the bittersweet story of your cat bonding with your husband.
Valentine’s Day is just a day now for me, but my young grandkids are drawing and cutting out paper hearts to tape on the windows and hang from the kitchen light fixture.
Half priced candy day is the best!
Love your post! Animals are so intuitive. Roobee knew a keeper when she saw one. Thank you for the fun poem. My first love and I just celebrated our 59th anniversary and we feel very lucky to have found each other early. We didn’t have to struggle through the dating wars. Somehow we knew we were supposed to be together at age 18. Sorry you lost your Roobee but you have each other and those great memories.
Oh, thank you! You are so right about this. Not that I didn’t tale losing Roobee hard, but Hubby was devastated. He (like you mentioned) took her acceptance/love as a sign we were meant for each other (and she was totally right). He was absolutely gutted when she passed and even though it’s been a year and a half, I can’t mention her without him getting really upset. I am SO HAPPY you found your perfect fit so young. As I mentioned somewhere, my only regret with Hubby is it took so long to find him!
Forty-nine years and counting for us (sophomore in HS when Hubby literally picked me up on the bus, daring younger man (freshman) that he was). Luckily, I never had to battle the dating wars outside of high school; I’d still be single. NO idea how our two kids manage(d)…one married, one not.
We’ll be married 45 years in September, and our Reese-cat left us after 19-1/2 years and six moves. Your poem hits all the right notes!
Love the poem & the sentiments for your cat
Kristen, the green beer celebration isn’t a good idea either. Valentines Day is nice, but over commercialized like you wrote in your great poem. I go for personal messages and a red heart or three and that’s that. Happy Valentines Day to you. ???
???…Should be a heart & music symbol for you!
The only way I have ever celebrated St. Patty’s is making corned beef, LOL. I hate crowds and green beer just sounds horrible. It just was a “lower pressure” holiday when I was single. Now that I have been married all these years I just make everyone a nice dinner.
I was picky too! Never had so much as a date till I was 23. Worked out very well. 😀
My now-husband and I officially became boyfriend and girlfriend about a week before Valentine’s day 2010 – which we promptly decided we wouldn’t celebrate (cue prank war from family. Long story).
The Anglican calendar commemorates Saints Methodius and Cyril on February 14th (Cyril as in Cyrillic) so instead we gave each other alphabets – either an actual alphabet or one of those “I love my love with an A” poems.
Thirteen years on, my darling husband is keeping up the tradition better than I have been. This year he gave me Braille, which he has started learning.