Book Promotion that Makes an Impression—Don't Advertise When You Can PADvertise

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Since most of us are neck-deep in work and NaNoWriMo, I thought it was time to talk about something OTHER than writing. How are you going to MARKET that NaNo novel by December 3rd, 2014?

Only amateurs need “revisions” *rolls eyes*.

We all know what we are writing is PURE GOLD begging to be unleashed  available for purchase in time to pay off all the money we’ll spend on Christmas gifts. That and being a NYTBSA by the end of January of 2015 is a great start, right?

Any of you who regularly follow my blog know that I am totally out of my mind a bit eccentric. Saturday, Hubby took pity on me and let us go out to eat (a rare treat around here). As I closed the door to the stall, I noticed all the advertising on the back of the bathroom door. This cluttered wall of ads made me think about all the authors spamming non-stop about their books on Facebook and Twitter.

In fact, just a couple days ago, a writer who’d never even said, “Hello” asked me to promote his new sci-fi book. Suuuuuure, right on that.

Some writers are becoming worse than an Amway rep crossed with a Jehovah’s Witness. I mean, can the author book promotion get any more invasive?


Maybe it can.

I’ve blogged so many times about the dangers of automation and how spamming people is counterproductive. I’ve talked until I am blue about how advertising our books has a terrible ROI (return on investment) and how most people don’t pay attention to it. Ah, but then it hit me. The main reason spam doesn’t work is because people ignore it and no longer “see” it, but what would they see?

Panty Prose—Not Advertising, Padvertising (TM)

We all know that roughly 85% of readers are women, and what do women need? Panty liners. YES, but what do they need more than springtime fresh girl parts? More FREE! books. Indie authors shouldn’t spam about their latest book release or .99 cent promotional sale.


Because it’s rude? No! Because it is obnoxious? Not quite. Because it smacks of desperation? Not at all. The reason authors shouldn’t spam about their books is because spam is for amateurs.

The real writer of the Digital Age doesn’t settle on blasting out non-stop self-promotional tweets. That is SO 2012. The REAL writer of the Digital Age realizes a captive audience is a a buying audience.

Catch readers with their pants down with Panty Prose.

Panty Prose is perfect for the indie author. Most readers are female and even females need something to read in the bathroom. We at Panty Prose (an imaginary division of W.A.N.A. International) have teamed up with Always against their will to offer your readers the best deals right in their pants. PADVERTISING.

Panty Prose not only offers you Padvertising to a guaranteed clientele, but we have all kinds of layouts to suit your Padvertising needs. Technology is your friend with Panty Prose. Put your book where it counts…

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At Panty Prose, we even make it affordable for you to place your face in your reader’s pants…

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As you can see, Panty Prose is inserting your ads into a virgin market begging to be tapped.

Why are all the romance authors giggling?

Anyway, while others might see a protective strip that gets tossed in the bin, we see an unused space to Padvertise your latest novel AND save trees! Instead of throwing away that paper strip, we can print catchy lines from your book so fans can collect them ALL…

Kristen Lamb, Author Kristen Lamb, WANA, We Are Not Alone

Make Your Readers Want MORE….

Make Your Readers Your Fan for ALWAYS….

My writer pal, Chad, was happy to step in and help me with a mock up of The Panty Prose Motivational Series:

Panty Prompts for Writers:


Serious Chad, the choice for the Serious Writer.

Panty Praise:

Available in "You're Losing Weight" and "No, Your Butt Doesn't Look Big at ALL"

Available in “Yes, I Noticed Your New Hair Style” and “No, Your Butt Doesn’t Look Big at ALL”

Panty Prose is dedicated to keeping women fresh while selling your books. Attending a writing conference? Well, there is a bathroom and everyone knows that even agents have to go potty sometime. Why not help them out? Keep them springtime fresh and give them your query. Elevator pitches are for losers, when you can use the Panty Pitch. The Panty Pitch comes in three fragrances, Sonnet’s Eve, New Office Supplies, and Double Espresso.

Panty Pitch:

Save agents time and keep them fresh!

Save agents time and keep them fresh!

Panty Prose for the Published Professional is a smart, savvy way to stand out from all the competition that still is relying on scheduled tweets, auto-DMs and posting ads on new FB friends’ walls.

Make an impression that will last for Always.

Yeah, I am a wee bit tired from NaNo and not enough meds. You know you’re punch-drunk (and have no social filters) when you spend a full day Photoshopping your face on a pic of a panty-liner, LOL. When I’m tired, my humor gets warped, even for me. But you know I am on to something!

W.A.N.A. is dedicated to giving you the evil genius you need for success. Aside from Panty Prose, what other “free spaces” could we exploit for book advertising? You know, to catch those who missed our 23 tweeted links, 6 auto DMs and five form letters.

So what do you think? Has the book spam gotten completely out of control? Are there other ways you can think of that are utterly invasive creative ways to market our books (Keep it PG, Please 😀 )? Does promoting/book marketing feel about as bad as Padvertising? ***Btw, it doesn’t have to be 😉 ***

I LOVE hearing from you!

To prove it and show my love, for the month of NOVEMBER, everyone who leaves a comment I will put your name in a hat. If you comment and link back to my blog on your blog, you get your name in the hat twice. What do you win? The unvarnished truth from yours truly. I will pick a winner once a month and it will be a critique of the first 20 pages of your novel, or your query letter, or your synopsis (5 pages or less).

For those who need help building a platform and keeping it SIMPLE (without using something as AWESOME as Padvertising), pick up a copy of my latest social media/branding book Rise of the Machines—Human Authors in a Digital World on AMAZON, iBooks, or Nook


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  1. OMG!! I love this blogs you are so awesome!!

    1. We’ve all had those delirious afternoons when we mistake ludicrous ideas for epiphanies. But, as they say, this too will pass…while on the stool, and while trying to read something between our legs that resembles a TV sound bite. Not my thing, Kristen. Just flush it before it goes viral. Oops! Too late for that.

  2. This is so wrong, and so funny. I can see this post going viral. (In a non HPV way.)

  3. I really needed that laugh. And YES!!! I’m going to share it with everybody I know!

  4. Rolling on the floor, laughing. Other spots, Pantyhose cardboard, car magnets, back of cereal boxes. LOL

    1. Wine labels :D. Wait, that’s probably still just promoting to other writers…

  5. Reblogged this on Swamp Sass and commented:
    Reblogged from Kristin Lamb, my favorite blogger. I needed this laugh.

  6. Kristin!
    I don’t know what you’re on, but I do want you to know it’s not a party unless you share. If this is what NaNo does to you, I may have to give it another shot. Your imagination has gone haywire. But, as usual, you’re entertaining. I wonder if I could have bumper stickers made, and give them to people all over America: Ryder Islington’s writing will send chills down your spine. Perfect reading for those hot summer days!
    It’s worth a shot.

    1. I’m so tired I’m seeing sounds, 😛 . Yeah, the bumper sticker works. Just make sure that you make it a WHOLE paragraph and small font so people have to tailgate. Might sell books or even get rear-ended and can sue for neck pain to fund your writing.

  7. Panty prose! Love it. As Always!

  8. I need to reread rise of the machine. it was a wonderful book with lots of good advise. Lately I’ve not blogged much due to school and publishing but I’m getting back in the saddle – perhaps with a new angle on things.

  9. I’m trying to focus on my NaNo, but this arrived in my inbox and almost made me spit out my hot tea, dark chocolate, NaNo afternoon secret weapon snack. Hahahahahaha. You’re hilarious and a tad delirious, but you might be on to something.

    Seriously, I find Linkedin groups, FB groups and google+ communities a place where I have not so much advertised, but shared my exciting new release of Ghostoria: Vintage Romantic Tales of Fright. If my jetpak analytics are correct, these outlets are yielding the most traffic and sales.

    The other thing that I found successful was to offer my paperback book (I have paperback and ebook) to event coordinators as part of prize packages over the Halloween Holiday! It’s also yielded some additional sales.

    I’ve not found anything to hit a HUGE surge in sales, but these outlets seem to be providing a steady stream.

    Hope my experience helps!

    ~ Tam Francis ~

  10. So funny!

  11. This caught my attention and had me laughing. Authors are always trying to find ways to promote their books. Maybe blurbs and book covers can be put on condoms that are dispensed in bathrooms. Roll the tampon around so you can read the excerpt. This was too funny. Thanks for the laugh I needed. Love the way your mind works.

  12. I guess as a children’s book author, I should consider diaper advertising…#diapertising. Good plan.

    1. Good one! I wouldn’t be surprised if this actually did happen in the near future (or as soon as Procter & Gamble get a hold of this post!)

      1. Right? Or a Box of Pampers with a small picture book included…why is that not already a thing? #picturebookmonth

        1. I’m sure that’s happened! I used to work at Nestle, and I ran a promotion on our baby cereal range: buy two tins ans get a picture book free, collect all four. So see? It’s just a matter of time. Actually P&G is already behind ?

  13. Reblogged this on Chris The Story Reading Ape's Blog….. An Author Promotions Enterprise! and commented:
    AUTHORS – Bottom Line (no pun intended) This is how to think ‘Outside the Box’ – or in this case – ‘Inside a Box’ – you need to read the article to find out what I mean – No – Really – You DO 😀

    • Annette Rochelle Aben on November 10, 2014 at 2:41 pm
    • Reply

    you put the FUN in funny

  14. Reblogged this on TheDustSeason and commented:
    Okay, while I am not generally a fan of ‘reposting’ this one is too funny not to share. Kristen Lamb may be onto something here.

  15. I found the one’s with ‘pin-up men’ pictured the most engaging. There definitely must be cover art of the hunky-dude included with the Padvertising.

  16. I laughed so hard at this. This is BRILLIANT!!!

  17. What a hysterical idea! And it brought on other thoughts – the inside of bathroom stall doors? Toilet seats? The possibilities are endless!

  18. Ohmygod, this post made my day! So many things made me laugh out loud! This should become a real thing. I would die laughing.

    What would it take to get #PantyProse trending on Twitter?

    1. We could just start with kitschy sayings and use the #PantyProse and see…

  19. 1 need 6 cases of the Chad version for Christmas. Lets see. My editor. My Book Cover Designer. All my Alphas. All my Betas and a few other assorted women in my life. Do you offer gift wrap too?

    1. Sigh.. I hate auto correct. I not 1

    2. If you hadn’t ratted on yourself I would have corrected it for you 😉 . Those would be great gift ideas… 😀

      1. The tablet does the strangest things in auto-correct even when the word is correct it will correct it to something else.

        I can hear Evil Editor saying “you think my butt is fat?” after she reads that one. Not a good position to be in with your editor.

  20. M favorite is the agent query pantiliner. 😈
    Me, all I need is a Dodge Challenger Hellcat wrapped with “Vampire Syndrome” graphics, and I’m set. 😉

  21. Reblogged this on Vampire Syndrome Blog and commented:
    Attack of the Agent Query panty liner…
    Another brilliant, laugh-out-loud post from Kristen Lamb!

  22. This is an incredible idea!! You should definitely trademark it before some already super-rich twenty something steals your idea and the world as we know it implodes.

    Be the Mark Zuckerberg not one of those weird twins that didn’t quite make it but are still famous.

    It think that was my point.

    Love the blog!

    Soph x

    Please vote for Sophie She Wrote at the UK Blog Awards 2015 for links and info see here

  23. Hilarious. I couldn’t stop giggling.

  24. The word play itself is HYSTERICAL! The graphics just made it fall on the floor funny! Love this! I always think of “Rejection Roll” toilet paper. Agent and publisher rejection slips reprinted on the Charmin. So we can all say, “I cannot spare a square!”

  25. OMG Kristen, I could have used one of those pads just now. I laughed so hard I peed my pants!

    1. Well, Prose with Poise is the next product 😉 .

  26. The scary thing is that some marketing group might actually try this..only to be followed by outside wrappers on diapers (Hey those book covers are pretty decorative!)

  27. Kristen, I love your posts but this one is a classic. I almost choked on a grape, I was laughing so hard. Warning to others. Do not eat or drink while reading one of these posts! Thanks for my morning giggles!

  28. The whole time all I could think was “What…what am I reading? WHY AM I STILL READING IT?” (because I’m as amused as I am horrified, that’s why.)
    Honestly the idea of advertising scares the crap out of me anyway because I absolutely don’t want to be obnoxious. The most I’ve managed is making a huge supply of bookmarks advertising my blog (since my book isn’t quite in the polished and published state yet) and leaving them on the freebie table at conventions. They always disappear, every last one, although I don’t see a large influx of viewers so I’m not sure what to make of that.

  29. You write this in jest, but I am now counting down the days until I see someone do this for real.

  30. Great piece ……OMG, Not you, ….. the blog ……I only presume …I mean ….. Oh dear. I may have gotten this late as I found it in my Spam Folder with images blocked. Thanks again anyway. <3

  31. So funny and yet disturbingly accurate.

    • Carrie Kwiatkowski on November 10, 2014 at 4:53 pm
    • Reply

    Padvertising…kinda like fortune cookies. Never know what you are going to get. 🙂 You’re on to something, Kristen! Exhaustion breeds brilliance.

  32. You made my day. Needed a laugh, and boy, did you supply one! Love this!

  33. I love it! I want to put Cats at the Bar posts on them. Far more interesting then a simple blog. 🙂

    • RobinLK on November 10, 2014 at 5:23 pm
    • Reply

    This is some SFS: Seriously Funny Stuff! Far-fetched?? Hold the door…. 😉 I’m building a blogroll for my tiny world. You make me laugh out loud and want to make sure I can find you quickly AND share you with others. Thanks for the laugh, Kristen!

  34. Now I know what I’ve been doing wrong. Thanks for helping me out of my “messy” situation and giving me advertising that really “sticks.”

  35. Fabulous. It reminded me of early Almodóvar movies where he would include obnoxious adds inside (like one for undewear that would turn nasty smells into flower aroma)…. I thought you were going to suggest advertising on the toilet doors, but that’s done already…

  36. Fabulous post as usual! 🙂

  37. “Give your book wings!” Snort! Kristen the Evil Genius arises…

  38. Reblogged this on Michelle Eastman Books.

  39. This is brilliant! Thanks for the humor. I needed a lift today. Promoting a self-published, children’s fairy book is hard. The irony of “wings” is not lost on me!


  40. Haha!! Hilarious! And weird…and hilarious!

  41. OMG, I’m laughing so hard! Loved every word.

  42. Reblogged this on ugiridharaprasad.

  43. Over the top! :~)

  44. I have seen it all! Crazy and funny, Kristen.

  45. Reblogged this on relationspdbeverly and commented:
    Hilarious, especially that “wings” part.

  46. *starstruck epiphany* how has no one ever thought of this before?!?! You’re going to be a millionaire…

  47. I swear on a stack of panty liners, I contacted one of those bathroom door ad places. I still have their reply in my Inbox. Come on, that’s the perfect place to advertise! Your real-life boyfriend is stupid drunk and ready to pass out, why not spend the rest of the night with a fantasy one? Great post, Kristen.

  48. Definitely something to think about?

    I was several lines into this post before I realized Padvertising was not yet real. I agree with some other comments-it’s just a matter of time.

    Seriously, a great read at the end of a very long day!

  49. Hahaha you owe me screen wipes 🙂 Love it.

  50. Gosh, I would love this to be a real thing! I like the sides of buses, or the insides of chocolate wrappers, the paper bit outside the foil.

  51. ROFLMAO, which is REALLY difficult because I have a cat on my lap right now. Whom I am saving. SAVE THE CAT, get it? Yeah, sorry, I’ll leave now.

  52. You are too funny Kristen. Thanks for the reminder not to take ourselves too seriously.

  53. Honestly, as a horror writer, this would be a great place to advertise – just saying. Funny stuff.

  54. Ha Ha! You need to market this idea to Amazon!

    1. Enough already.

    • rediseult on November 11, 2014 at 8:14 am
    • Reply

    At the doctor’s office this morning. Thanks for the much needed laugh!

    Btw, waiting and/or exam room walls would be perfect. Need to kill a couple of hours? Buy my book!

    • Jaq on November 11, 2014 at 9:11 am
    • Reply

    Definite mixed feelings about his one, but I could see it working for the Romance market. Wonder what it costs?

  55. Reblogged this on and commented:
    Writerly Rant #58

  56. I love your wacky sense of humour – the innate satire of a sleep-depraved mind does wonders for the world 🙂 Also… wouldn’t a sandwich bag look so much more appealing with a pic of your latest book cover or a character quote instead of “Ziploc” written across the front? This would work extremely well with children’s literature and YA 😉 Since TV commercials for toys target kids and not parents, we need to take a feather out of that cap and try to fly!

    • Vanessa Porta on November 11, 2014 at 9:32 am
    • Reply

    I love your blog. Your delivery with information is fabulous. This post is hilarious. Thank you.

  57. This is too funny. Love it.

  58. Love it – I’m still laughing… 😀

  59. “Some writers are becoming worse than an Amway rep crossed with a Jehovah’s Witness.” -Muahahahaha What a perfect description!

    “I’ve blogged so many times about the dangers of automation and how spamming people is counterproductive.” – Agreed Kristin, I once wrote a post about this called “Caution Automated Tweets Can Make You Look Like a Twit”

    Although absolutely outlandish, this post has dredged up (I swear) a memory about an off-the-wall invasive advertising scheme.

  60. This artickle would be a best selling Amazon short, yes? Funny!

  61. Thanks for the giggles! It was tragic and funny.

  62. Thanks for the laughs…drowning in Nano. Kitty litter bags? No, wait, that’s just other writers again.

  63. OMG Kristen, that is priceless! I love it. Start with Padvertise and the list is endless.

  64. That was hysterical! I needed that laugh today.

  65. Ha, Ha, I nearly fell off my chair laughing. Will definitely re-blog on for my writing friends in the UK. Bathrooms (we call them public toilets in UK) are a perfect place to advertise. People want to read something will they wait, outside and inside the cubicle!

  66. Reblogged this on Susan Pope Books and commented:
    Recommended reading for those in need of a good laugh, but she does have a serious point.

    • Kit on November 12, 2014 at 9:37 am
    • Reply

    What a great way to start my day – laughing so hard I cried and getting motivated for a day of writing at the same time. Thanks!
    I love the idea from #70, too – waiting room walls or maybe those paper gowns while waiting for mammograms.
    Keep those laughs, and motivational ideas, coming!

  67. My first visit to your blog and I come across this brilliantly warped post! Well done…I could actually imagine this happening to a bathroom stall near you. Any thoughts on following this up? How could you promote books using the condom dispenser?

    • davidatodd on November 12, 2014 at 2:15 pm
    • Reply

    I wondered why I didn’t read this blog much. Now I know. Going to delete the bookmark.

  68. This is too damn funny. “…a virgin market, waiting to be tapped.”
    Thanks for the laugh, Kristen–I needed it.

  69. Good points & hilarious!

  70. too funny. thanks for starting my day with a chuckle. And something to think about.

  71. Padvertising is just the beginning…tissues, tampons, cigar wrappers, BUT I must say that padvertising will successfully occupy that moment of privacy in the stall that is begging to be invaded by advertising. It’s downtime and those ads on the back of the door don’t engage the viewer that well.

  72. Love reading these. Makes it seem possible that someday, the novel that’s been in the works for THREE YEARS will be finished, and, of course, worth padvertising. Linking this to a review of Jennifer Eaton’s great new YA book, because you are how I found her. Cheers.

  73. This is another great post of you, Kristen.
    And yes… my book marketing feels like doing the same thing over and over and over again with no visible or any other kind of remarkable result except that the spammers apparently seem to feel welcomed into my Inbox. *growl*

  74. That is an absolute riot. LOL. I can always count on your blog being entertaining. 🙂

  75. God, Kristen. I hope somebody doesn’t take you seriously. This takes hyperbole to a new level . . . Or should I say depth?

  76. On behalf of all men:

    1. ROFL. Well, it IS a satire….

  77. This is such a fantastic, fantastic post. Seriously, I need a panty pad for a whole different reason after breaking down into hysterical laughter. Brilliant. As for promo – beats me! One of the funniest – (maybe not the right word?) things about all of these promo tweets is: Most writers follow other writers, their follow list is usually made up of them so who, really, are the promoting to? Not their target audience, that’s for sure. Unless their book is called ‘How to right a book that goes viral. Guaranteed Results’. So the whole tweeting the pants off a book is lost really.

    1. I’ve been saying that since Twitter was invented. But people gotta learn…. 😀 Thrilled I gave you a great laugh.

  78. Glad I hadn’t just taken a sip of my tea as it would have been spewed all over my monitor when I finally ‘got’ where you were going with Panty Prose. hahahaha So stinking cute and funny. 🙂

  1. […] Book Promotion that Makes an Impression—Don’t Advertise When You Can PADvertise. […]

  2. […] Book Promotion that Makes an Impression—Don’t Advertise When You Can PADvertise. […]

  3. […] Book Promotion that Makes an Impression—Don’t Advertise When You Can PADvertise. […]

  4. […] just read a blog post by Kristin Lamb that calls for an end of spam advertising by Indie authors. I’m sure you’ve experienced this […]

  5. […] Book Promotion That Makes an Impression – Don’t Advertise When You Can PADvertise! by Kristen Lamb. Hilarious! Wonder how many people will think she’s serious and actually try this. BWAHAHAHAHA! […]

  6. […] leave impressions because they want their name and/or their work to be remembered. Author Kristen Lamb made a hilarious impression by promoting her books using feminine hygiene products. (Seriously, […]

  7. […] Don’t Advertise, PADvertise! Get in your reader’s wallet AND her pants! […]

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