Book Spam is for Losers—Don’t Advertise, PADvertise!

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Any of you who regularly follow my blog know that I am totally out of my mind a bit eccentric. The seed for this brilliant idea was actually planted a couple years ago when I was speaking in Idaho. I have a doctor’s appointment this morning, so I’m taking this opportunity to rerun my all-time favorite post.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yes. Idaho. After lunch, I had to dash to the Ladies’ Room. As I closed the door to the stall, I noticed all the advertising on the back of the bathroom door. This cluttered wall of ads made me think about all the authors spamming non-stop about their books on Facebook and Twitter.

Writers were becoming worse than an Amway rep crossed with a Jehovah’s Witness. I mean, could the author book promotion get any more invasive?


Maybe it could *evil laugh*.

I’ve blogged so many times about the dangers of automation and how spamming people is counterproductive. I’ve talked until I am blue about how advertising our books has a terrible ROI (return on investment) and how most people don’t pay attention to it. Ah, but then it hit me. The main reason spam doesn’t work is because people ignore it and no longer “see” it, but what would they see?

Panty Prose—Not Advertising, PADvertising (TM)

We all know that roughly 85% of readers are women, and what do women need? Panty liners. YES, but what do they need more than springtime fresh girl parts? More FREE! books. Indie authors shouldn’t spam about their latest book release or free title on KDP select.


Because it’s rude? No! Because it is obnoxious? Not quite. Because it smacks of desperation? Not at all. The reason authors shouldn’t spam about their books is because spam is for amateurs.

The real writer of the Digital Age doesn’t settle on blasting out non-stop self-promotional tweets. That is SO 2011. The REAL writer of the Digital Age realizes a captive audience is a a buying audience.

Catch readers with their pants down with Panty Prose.

Panty Prose is perfect for the indie author. Most readers are female and even females need something to read in the bathroom. We at Panty Prose (a new imaginary division of W.A.N.A. International) have teamed up with Always against their will to offer your readers the best deals right in their pants.

Panty Prose not only offers you PADvertising to a guaranteed clientele, but we have all kinds of layouts to suit your PADvertising needs. Technology is your friend with Panty Prose. Put your book where it counts…

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At Panty Prose, we even make it affordable for you to place your face in your reader’s pants…

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As you can see, Panty Prose is inserting your ads into a virgin market begging to be tapped.

Why are all the romance authors hyperventilating?

Anyway, while others might see a protective strip that gets tossed in the bin, we see an unused space to PADvertise your latest novel AND save trees! Instead of throwing away that paper strip, we can print of lines from your book so fans can collect them ALL…

Kristen Lamb, Author Kristen Lamb, WANA, We Are Not Alone

Make Your Readers Want MORE….

Make Your Readers Your Fan for ALWAYS….

Panty Prose is dedicated to keeping women fresh while selling your books. Attending a writing conference? Well, there is a bathroom and everyone knows that even agents can’t hold it forever. They will have to go potty sometime. Why not help them out? Keep them springtime fresh and give them your query. Elevator pitches are for losers, when you can use the Panty Pitch. The Panty Pitch comes in three fragrances, Sonnet’s Eve, New Office Supplies, and Cinnabon.

Panty Pitch:

Save agents time and keep them fresh!

Save agents time and keep them fresh!

Panty Prose for the Published Professional is a smart, savvy way to stand out from all the competition that still is relying on scheduled tweets and auto-DMs. Make an impression that will last for Always.

Okay, okay I’ll stop. You know you’ve reached a whole new level of weird when you spend an entire day Photoshopping your face onto panty liners. But you know I am on to something! W.A.N.A. is dedicated to giving you the evil genius you need for success. Aside from Panty Prose, what other “free spaces” could we exploit for book advertising? You know, to catch those who missed our 23 tweeted links, 6 auto DMs and five form letters.

So what do you think? Has the book spam gotten completely out of control? Are there other ways you can think of that are utterly invasive creative ways to market our books (Keep it PG, Please :D)?

What are your thoughts? And make sure to check out the upcoming classes below! Especially the Book Bootcamp!

I LOVE hearing from you guys!

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Also know I love suggestions! After almost 1,100 blog posts? I dig inspiration. So what would you like me to blog about?

Talk to me!

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I will pick a winner once a month and it will be a critique of the first 20 pages of your novel, or your query letter, or your synopsis (5 pages or less).


Remember that ALL CLASSES come with a FREE RECORDING so you can listen over and over. So even if you can’t make it in person? No excuses! All you need is an internet connection!

Be a Better Hooker (How to Write a Compelling Newsletter)

April 29th $45

In this class, learn how to compose a newsletter that is entertaining and compelling—and all without stealing most of your writing time. Learn how to get your hooks in your readers and keep them until the end.

With a mailing list of over 15K subscribers, mystery/thriller author Jack Patterson will share some of his tips that will spice up your newsletter and get your subscribers opening it up every time you send one out.


Book Bootcamp  $99 ($130 VALUE)

Book Bootcamp GOLD $269 ($430 VALUE) This includes the log-line class, antagonist class, the character class AND a three-hour time slot working personally with ME. We will either plot your idea or, if your novel isn’t working? Fix it! Appointments are scheduled by email. Consults done by phone or in virtual classroom.

Individual Classes with MOI!!! 

Pitch Perfect—How to Write a Query Letter and Synopsis that SELLS! $45 May 25th, 2017

Blogging for Authors $50 April 27th, 2017

Your Story in a Sentence—Crafting Your Log-line $35 May 4th, 2017

Bullies & Baddies—Understanding the Antagonist $50/$200 (Gold) May11th, 2017

The Art of Character $45 May 18th, 2017


Growing an Organic Platform on Facebook $40 May 6th, 2017 Lisa Hall-Wilson is BACK! She is an expert on Facebook so check out her class!

Method Acting for Writers: How to Write in Deep POV $85 for this TWO WEEK intensive workshop with editor and writing instructor Lisa Hall Wilson.

Shift Your Shifter Romance into HIGH Gear $35 May 19th with powerhouse editor Cait Reynolds.

Researching for Historical Romance (How to NOT Lost 6 Hours of Your Life on Pinterest) $35 May 20th


For those who need help building a platform and keeping it SIMPLE, pick up a copy of my latest social media/branding book Rise of the Machines—Human Authors in a Digital World on AMAZON, iBooks, or Nook



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  1. Libra in Australia used to do this years ago. They put trivia and fun facts on the peel off strips. For instance, thanks to Libra I discovered that eating a green apple is more efficient at waking you up in the morning than a cup of coffee. Although why anyone would willingly forgo coffee in favour of an apple is completely beyond me.

  2. Don’t think I’m ready for the padvertise, but this was an interesting read, so you accomplished your objective 🙂

  3. Damn near snorted coffee out my nose. Thanks for that.

  4. Yes, this made me giggle all the way through, but, as always, you’re right. Makes me think of the Snapple bottlecaps my freshman-year roommate and I used to store and then glue onto the bulletin boards in our room just because of the cute sayings. (Hey, maybe you could cut a deal with Snapple!)

  5. Recently, I have seen some new wraps around our small town. The wraps are over those ugly electrical boxes that sit outside on corners in the ROW. They are selling wraps to go on them, they are about 3′ tall by 2 to 3 foot wide (ours were usually a green metal box). Anyway I thought that would be a great advertising thing for me as our last name is a long-standing family name. Now, if you were being funny and I took it literal, sorry, but this is something I am looking at when my book comes out; will check on ROI.

  6. I have no business commenting on this, but I don’t know much about business anyway, so here goes! What is the male equivalent? Or are you cutting out 50% of the market? Come Kristin, you are better than that!

      • Renee Wittman on April 26, 2017 at 8:50 am
      • Reply

      Condom wrappers? It has to be a personal, necessary item to match pads, right? That’s the best I can come up with, although I doubt anyone would take the time to read them. 😉

      Advertising aside, pads should come with nice chocolates in the box!

  7. I’m not a published author yet, but I love the marketing/social media aspect of the journey. Like you, I was tired of hearing authors say “Buy my book!” “Hey, my book is now on sale.” Or they would make one meme with book title and cost and have all their relatives share it. I taught a workshop at a conference in 2015 called “Twenty Ways to Blog about Your Book without Blogging about Your Book.” I also use the line to my published friends, “Use your book to sell your book.”

    I love how you share such solid wisdom with humor. You educate and entertain, a perfect combination.

  8. Okay, I must be as weird, I mean eccentric as you because I think this is a great idea. Question is, how do you get your books on the liners? 🙂 Also, don’t forget about the um, bladder issue pads. After a certain age many need those instead of the others.

  9. Wow, all those ideas on how to place advertising. I’m wondering if I can cut a deal with a cat litter company? Since Baron is a major character in my books, and he’s a vampire cat (yes, a Vampire Cat…), he would make the perfect spokesman for Cat Scratch Litter!

    Either that or Spay/Neutering services since he’s all about finding those cute little girl cats, bringing them nice, juicy rats……..

    You got me thinking!

  10. Loved it, especially hot on the heels of a section I just taught on Modest Proposal. Thank you, I did spread the word!

  11. I think the panty liner is a great idea; but, will it work for a male? Or, should I go with Depends?

  12. I laughed so hard at this post and then realized how brilliant this idea is…I love it.

  13. What about the cardboard toilet paper rolls? A free coupon or download or sneak peek as a reward when they get to “the end?” That’s just unused cardboard that’s wasted space and will go in the trash bin otherwise.

    “This isn’t THE END! Go to and use the redemption code you see here…”

    1. The men would never see it. 😉

      So, I guess we still need an answer to “what about the men?”

      Oo, oo… I know! The little tabby things on Band-aids! LOL Hubby says a job is never done until he bleeds at least once.

      1. I’m thinking duct tape 😀 .

  14. Only two things convince me to buy a book. One: reading an awesome book. If I read an exceptional book (in any genre), I will immediately go snatch up that author’s other books. I will rave about it to all my family and friends & buy it as gifts for others. Two: trusted recommendations. I am leery of ALL marketing, but if someone I trust recommends a book? I’ll buy it!

    I don’t want free books (I won a contest once and got 35 free books–I was SO excited! But only a couple were even worth reading, and I finally ditched the rest of them). I was also put on every authors’ mailing list. It took forever to unsubscribe…plus, the list was sold because I’m getting tons of emails from authors who were not part of that contest. It’s a total turn-off to get unwanted newsletters flooding my inbox.

    Really, the best thing is to write a great book.

    When I find an incredible book that is edited professonally and keeps me riveted, I turn into a loyal fan. *I* market the book to everyone I know! I follow the author and join their team and efforts. Marketing didn’t do it. An author produced a work of excellence and I want more! 🙂

  15. Hilarious! And timely.

    Book spam has gotten out of control. I know I ignore it on Twitter completely. I’ve gotten quite good at skimming past it.

    Still the best way to get me to read something is a recommendation from someone I trust (friend, blogger, etc). Second best way is for it to be recommended to me on Amazon *ducks*. I know, but it’s true.

  16. That was hilarious. I want the back of cereal boxes. What kind of cereal do romance readers eat?

  17. OMG that was one of the funniest ideas I’ve ever seen.
    However when you think about all the strange places people cram advertising copy, you might be proven to be an oracle in the near future.
    And to follow on from the ‘what about the cardboard in toilet paper’ — heck, what about the toilet paper itself? Thousands of little flyers that can be seen as the person walks away from the bathroom trailing a string of your advertising on their shoe.

  18. Book spam has had the opposite effect on me. It makes me NOT want to read the spammed books. At times, it’s made me not want to write them, either. Though this kind of clever advertising could pique my interest….

    • Jeanette Hornby on April 27, 2017 at 12:36 am
    • Reply

    Such a great idea. As Jennie said, Libra put trivia and fun facts on the peel off strips in Australia years ago. They are still popular. I always read them.

  19. Ah. I didn’t know if you were serious about the pantyliner promotion. You have such an off-center approach, at first I thought you were pulling my leg. As I read more, I thought, “Oh why the hell not? I’ve tried everything else.” I’m interested. I’ll check the WANA site.

    1. LOL. I am pulling your leg but in honesty I have thought about seeing if I could have some of these made up. What a HOOT to hand these out at a conference/book signing!

  20. Brilliant. In the midst of my flow of laughter, I absorbed your meaning.

    1. *snerk*

    • robintvale (Jessica) on April 19, 2019 at 1:14 am
    • Reply

    I had to bite my inner cheek to keep from laughing! (my son’s alseep.)

    Okay, how about Light insights, the light bulb with the tiny print of an advert that is seen on your ceiling? (It’d get larger from the light shining through it. It would have to be printed on backward I think?)

    Wordy laces! Extra wide shoelaces with a short advert of your choice (max 30 characters.) when you tie your shoes—know the news!

    Don’t just have an alarm clock, have a master add blaster that gives you a completely free informative advertisement of your choice every morning. This amazing deal is yours only for 15 payments of 49.99! With free shipping if you act now! Yes! That’s right folks it’s only 49.99 for 15 months. (Gold plated models available for 299.99)


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