Why Settle for Your Reader's Wallet When You Can Get in Her PANTS?

Author Kristen Lamb, Kristen Lamb, WANA, We Are Not Alone, writers social media

Spam is so yesterday. Today’s savvy writer trusts Panty Prose for the Published Professional…

Okay, any of you who regularly follow my blog know that I am totally out of my mind a bit eccentric. This past weekend I was speaking at the Idaho Book Extravaganza, and I had to excuse myself to the ladies’ room. As I closed the door to the stall, I noticed all the advertising on the back of the bathroom door. This cluttered wall of ads made me think about all the authors spamming non-stop about their books on Facebook and Twitter.

Writers were becoming worse than an Amway rep crossed with a Jehovah’s Witness. I mean, could the author book promotion get any more invasive?


Maybe it could.

I’ve blogged so many times about the dangers of automation and how spamming people is counterproductive. I’ve talked until I am blue about how advertising our books has a terrible ROI (return on investment) and how most people don’t pay attention to it. Ah, but then it hit me. The main reason spam doesn’t work is because people ignore it and no longer “see” it, but what would they see?

Panty Prose—Not Advertising, Padvertising (TM)

We all know that roughly 85% of readers are women, and what do women need? Panty liners. YES, but what do they need more than springtime fresh girl parts? More FREE! books. Indie authors shouldn’t spam about their latest book release or free title on KDP select.


Because it’s rude? No! Because it is obnoxious? Not quite. Because it smacks of desperation? Not at all. The reason authors shouldn’t spam about their books is because spam is for amateurs.

The real writer of the Digital Age doesn’t settle on blasting out non-stop self-promotional tweets. That is SO 2011. The REAL writer of the Digital Age realizes a captive audience is a a buying audience.

Catch readers with their pants down with Panty Prose.

Panty Prose is perfect for the indie author. Most readers are female and even females need something to read in the bathroom. We at Panty Prose (a new imaginary division of WANA International) have teamed up with Always against their will to offer your readers the best deals right in their pants.

Panty Prose not only offers you Padvertising to a guaranteed clientele, but we have all kinds of layouts to suit your Padvertising needs. Technology is your friend with Panty Prose. Put your book where it counts…

Sell like a pro!

At Panty Prose, we even make it affordable for you to place your face in your reader’s pants…

Affordable Packages Available!

As you can see, Panty Prose is inserting your ads into a virgin market begging to be tapped.

Why are all the romance authors giggling?

Anyway, while others might see a protective strip that gets tossed in the bin, we see an unused space to Padvertise your latest novel AND save trees! Instead of throwing away that paper strip, we can print of lines from your book so fans can collect them ALL…

Kristen Lamb, Author Kristen Lamb, WANA, We Are Not Alone

Make Your Readers Your Fan for ALWAYS….

My brilliant WANA International Operations Manager, Chad, was happy to step in and help me launch the Panty Prose Motivational Series:

Panty Prompts for Writers:

Serious Chad, The Choice for Writers

Panty Praise:

Available in “You’re Losing Weight” and “No, Your Butt Doesn’t Look Big at ALL”

Panty Prose is dedicated to keeping women fresh while selling your books. Attending a writing conference? Well, there is a bathroom and everyone knows that even agents have to go potty sometime. Why not help them out? Keep them springtime fresh and give them your query. Elevator pitches are for losers, when you can use the Panty Pitch. The Panty Pitch comes in three fragrances, Sonnet’s Eve, New Office Supplies, and Cinnabon.

Panty Pitch:

Save agents time AND keep them fresh!

Panty Prose for the Published Professional is a smart, savvy way to stand out from all the competition that still is relying on scheduled tweets and auto-DMs. Make an impression that will last for Always.

Yeah, I am a wee bit tired. I’ve been stranded in airports more hours than I can count and my humor gets warped, even for me. But you know I am on to something! WANA is dedicated to giving you the evil genius you need for success. Aside from Panty Prose, what other “free spaces” could we exploit for book advertising? You know, to catch those who missed our 23 tweeted links, 6 auto DMs and five form letters.

I was also thinking we could launch a Panty Politics line so a 4 star general can gain access to panties more discreetly (and save taxpayer dollars!). And Congress? They can campaign where it counts! What other ways can we use the power of Padvertising?

Ok…I’ll stop. By the way, if you want something a bit more serious, I hope you will check out my blog over at Mansfield Magazine. Pleeeeeeeaaaaase. *insert cute face here* Have a Happy Healthy Holiday–Team Up with the Green Hulk. Anyone who comments there gets entered in a separate contest for ten pages of free edit, so your odds of winning is WAY better (and the comments make me look good to my new boss :D).

I love hearing from you!

To prove it and show my love, for the month of November, everyone who leaves a comment I will put your name in a hat. If you comment and link back to my blog on your blog, you get your name in the hat twice. If you leave a comment, and link back to my blog, and mention my book We Are Not Alone in your blog…you get your name in the hat THREE times. What do you win? The unvarnished truth from yours truly.

I will pick a winner once a month and it will be a critique of the first 20 pages of your novelor your query letter, or your synopsis (5 pages or less).

And also, winners have a limited time to claim the prize, because what’s happening is there are actually quite a few people who never claim the critique, so I never know if the spam folder ate it or to look for it and then people miss out. I will also give my corporate e-mail to insure we connect and I will only have a week to return the 20 page edit.

Note: I was supposed to get October’s winner posted this week, but I got stranded AGAIN. This time in Seattle and I had no Internet. So will announce next week. I can’t get to anything right now anyway because I leave for my last trip of the year (New Orleans) on Friday.

At the end of November I will pick a winner for the monthly prize. Good luck!

I also hope you pick up copies of my best-selling books We Are Not Alone–The Writer’s Guide to Social Media and Are You There, Blog? It’s Me, Writer And both are recommended by the hottest agents and biggest authors in the biz. My methods teach you how to make building your author platform FUN. Build a platform and still have time left to write great books.


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  1. What a hoot!

  2. LOL!!!! You also have a market in Depends….. I almost needed one to get through this! You are a riot!

  3. Oh, wow. I have no comment, and I think I stumbled onto the wrong place… : ) But I will say that it made for a great couple of laughs this morning!

    • lucewriter on November 14, 2012 at 9:09 am
    • Reply

    Hahahaha, this is exactly what I needed this morning. Better than a back rub. And see above for the tip about Depends to open up to a new and burgeoning market–seniors.

  4. Love it where do I sign up?

  5. I certainly enjoyed this, but I can’t wait to see what you have in mind for Tampon users. More laughs like this first thing in the morning would definitely brighten my life. Thank you.

    1. We came up with the Tampax “Pearls of Wisdom” for NF authors.

      Yes, it is a little scary that we have thought all this through :D.

  6. This was too much… I’m laughing so hard that tears are running down my face. What a great way to start my morning… If I see ads on my panty liners I’ll know who to blame 🙂

    • Lanette Kauten on November 14, 2012 at 9:19 am
    • Reply

    It’s official. You’ve lost your pretty, little head.

  7. Well, it’s official Kristen, you’ve officially lost it! You are certifiably PANTastic! Love it! 😉

  8. This was great! And I thought I was being snarky because I have a tee shirt that I wear to the gym that says “I’d rather be Writing” and the name of my website and I plan to by a baseball cap that has “AUTHOR” written across its crown!

  9. Too funny for words!! If I see padvertising on my liners I know who to blame! And yet…it’s also kinda genius.

    1. EVIL Genius ;).

  10. Hi Kristen,

    OK. I agree with Lanette. It’s official. You’ve lost your . . .Wait! Maybe not.

    We all have grown weary of traditional advertising, so padvertising will surely get our attention. Without that you can’t get our money.

    I love where you’re going with this, and like Saffina says, “You are certifiably PANTastic!”

    1. LOL. Well, it is out there, but I am hoping that humor might help authors rethink all the non-stop spamming and realize they are one step shy of Padvertising :D>

  11. Padtastic, Kristen!

  12. Love it! Only problem is this could cause long lines in the Ladies’ Room…LOL

  13. I’m so glad I was not drinking or eating when I started reading this post. OMG too funny. How about in condom packaging also? Great for erotica authors “get your honey in the mood with this read”

    1. Someone suggested that, but WANA’s Padvertising is all PG and we like the PADvertising. Very catchy :D.

        • Jen on November 14, 2012 at 9:55 am
        • Reply

        Hi Kristen:

        Whoa, wait a minute! Are you suggesting I take the trash with me out of the bathroom or I bring an scanner with me into the bathroom…which is it?

        1. Well most of us are checking e-mail in the bathroom anyway, so use your iPhone to scan the QR code. Or save the strip, save a tree and get all your books for FREE!

          Hey, that’s totally a jingle!

  14. You’re a genius, Kristen. Evil,maybe, but definitely a genius. Why has no-one thought of this before? But sshhhhh – let’s keep padvertising for the authors and let the politicians come up with their own genius ideas. They’re welcome to try book marks.

  15. “Make an impression that will last for Always.”

    You have killed me. I am slain…some things can never be unimagined. LOL 😉

    I would argue, though, that better still might be custom TP. More messages, longer prose excerpts…could even work for children’s books to get the little rugrats excited about potty training.

  16. Even funnier the second time. So, a little anecdote, which will at once amuse the readers, and embarrass me, but I can dig laughing at myself from time to time: I was at my night job, and Kristen texted me to ask me if it’s okay to use my image in a photo for her blog. “It will be your face on a panty liner,” the message read. Typical guy, I suppose, my response was simply, “Sure. Uh, what’s a panty liner?” *Shakes head* The things I get myself into. 🙂

  17. So this is the sister conglomerate to SOO Publishing, right? (You know I can hear you in my head right now, saying “WINNER!”)

  18. This post was hilarious! I love it and I bet it would work too! 🙂

  19. Okay, now I’m on a mission to find something totally original to do to promote my future novel prize winner =)

    Great post as per usual.

  20. P.S. The More Cowbell Posse already uses #WANAPanties for all Twitter news in the Undie-verse. I think you may use that for your Padtastic post as well… ROFL…

  21. Funniest post ever! And it’s an idea that would work. 😉

    • Cyndi on November 14, 2012 at 10:20 am
    • Reply

    Too Funny!

  22. This is pure brilliance, Kristen! I’m thinking you will be taking the marketing world by storm!

    Who needs business cards anymore? I mean, I will truly never forget those pics of dear Chad on the back of a pantyliner. Will you? Will any of us? Now… wouldn’t we all like to leave that kind of permanent impression on those we do business with?

    In fact, I’m thinking there is plenty of branching out to be done here for the advertising world. What about single women looking for that someone special? I think a dating service could really use this product to make some beautiful connections. Again… who could resist a sexy single guy smiling up at you from the demineralization hygiene product of their choice? There ya go! The secret to meeting women!

    1. LOL… that will teach me to reply through my phone! Demineralization??? That was actually supposed to be “feminine”.


      Gotta love auto-correct!

  23. I’m practically choking here, Kristen! Thanks for the hump day laugh. Oh, and for the guys, what about those “Tinkle Targets” for the urinals? They can read it as they go. It will also improve their aim and help out the janitors. It’s a win-win!

    1. Could be useful place for posting bad book reviews, LOL.

  24. If this caught on, you just KNOW there will be a conversation about advertizing dollars that goes like this:
    Guy 1: “I spent $xxx on Google ads this month.”
    Guy 2: “Oh yeah? I spent $XXXX on print ads in the New York Times.”
    Guy 3- who sits through all of this quietly. “I spent $750 on padvertising and got into 3167 women’s’ pants this month.”

    1. I’m telling you, PADvertising is revolutionary.

      1. This post is already approaching a #PantsofShame-epic scale.

  25. Kristen, you and I are on the same wavelength. My new business card reads: “For a good time read Going Out In Style” in script. But you my dear take things even further. I love it. For a good time read Kristen Lamb.
    BTW I have never understood panty liners!

  26. Oh boy, this post is full of WIN! And to think I’ve been wasting those old paperbacks foisted on me at conferences by giving them to the gerbils to chew! This could be a new use for recycled paper…

  27. Hilarious! Reminds me of the “advertisements” in Libba Bray’s “Beauty Queens” novel. I think she had one called “Pad Pets” – pads in the shape of animals. Padvertising is brilliant!

  28. LOLOL!! Less invasive than TADPOMS, I suppose. 😉

    1. Oops, I mean TADPONS. It’s been a while since I’ve needed those.

  29. So hysterical – and so obvious an advertising opportunity! You are a freaking genius, Kristen!

  30. What’s funny to me is that when I lived in Australia, one brand of feminine products I bought (and I sure wish I could remember which one now) DID have reading material on either the paper strip or the plastic! I think it was either funny facts (like Snapple lids) or uplifting quotes (to ward off PMS? LOL). I thought it was quite odd, but brilliant. And I did wonder for half a minute how I could use it. 😉

    1. That must be the Libra ultra which is where I have gotten my education from. Full of fun facts but unfortunately no good books (or bad ones) – this idea rocks!

    • annerallen on November 14, 2012 at 12:18 pm
    • Reply

    OK, I have to stop laughing so I can type. Deep breath. Kristen, you should be doing stand-up comedy. You’re brilliant.

  31. And then I died laughing. 😀

  32. I loved, “Someone better get back to writing! Love, Chad.”
    I like your airport exhausted warped sense of humor! It makes me laugh!
    Have a great afternoon 😉

  33. I do believe you owe me a new keyboard, and if I can find a way to have my sinuses relined after snorting Dr. Pepper out ’em, that too.

  34. Teeheehee *snort*

  35. ROFLMAO….this is stellar!!!! Talk about ‘maxi’mizing new market opportunities!!! We could also tap into printed toilet paper??? I mean everyone uses a few squares, right? Targetted TP Prose! Gotta get em’ at every turn. LOL!!

  36. Now that’s what I call thinking outside the box, Kristen! Hilarious post and so are the brilliant commenters!

  37. Other than having to wipe up the coffee I snorted out of my nose onto my keyboard and monitor, this has been the best read I’ve had in days! 🙂

  38. This is your funniest post ever, Kristen 😀 No more tired old bookmarks but pads. And of course no one parts from their iPhones even in the bathroom. I also love the ideas of non-fiction Tampon pearls of wisdom and toilet paper ads.

  39. Wow, I was thinking for a bit you were serious, I kept going, well okay, that may be a good idea. Ha ha ha…thanks or the laugh!

  40. Hilarious! And quite brilliant!

  41. I am laughing so hard Kristen I have tears running down to my toes think a ‘padvertising’ would be useful about now! Brilliant a masterfully genius idea!

  42. I am at a loss for words.



  43. Please, please, let no stop to ask what I’m laughing about… 😉

  44. I feel left out. How about a Pocket Pool – Have a Party in Your Pants campaign for guys?

    • lmccy on November 14, 2012 at 2:44 pm
    • Reply

    This must go viral! lmc

  45. I love it- did you know you can have images printed onto condoms- why just make this for women?? Print spy novel covers onto condoms and pass them out at bars!

  46. You are hilarious!

  47. Kristen, I was managing to laugh quietly on the sly in my cubicle until I hit Pearls of Wisdom, then laughed and snorted. How embarrassing!

    I went to your Green Hulk post and commented as well! 🙂

  48. Thanks for a great bunch of laughs, Kristen. Reminded me of the marks I used to get for “Poise” back in kindergarten, back before I even know what it meant (in either sense of the word). Ah, those were the days.

    • malindalou on November 14, 2012 at 4:16 pm
    • Reply

    As I die of laughter, I have to say that you made an EXCELLENT point. Good post!

  49. Seriously, I think I just peed my pants!

    1. Then you need Panty Prose, the Padvertising with grace and Poise :D.

  50. Super funny — so should I hope you are sleep deprived more often?

  51. Snort. Love this post. It reminds me of when I used to prank my boyfriend in highschool by sticking clean pantyliners with happy faces drawn on them to the underside of the visor in his car, so when his flipped it down to block the sun, he’d get an eyefull!

    1. LOL. Now we can do that to “readers” :D.

  52. Not the most mature thing, I know. Hey, I was seventeen!

  53. You know, if we women have to wear the darn things (which most of us do) we should at least get something more for our hard earned money then a mini diaper we have to throw away! I love the idea!

  54. When I was an RA in the dorms I used to post a newsletter in the community bathroom stalls. It was the one place I knew it would be read!

  55. What can I say that hasn’t been said. Hilarious. You are an evil genius. Perverse but strangely compelling idea. Kind of like secret fan (i.e. paper fans, not human fans) messages. For your eyes only.

  56. Non-toxic inks, printed directly onto the pad itself, that’s … erm … transferable!

  57. That’s the funniest dang post I’ve read in like… EVER.

  58. Hah! Fun post! I love Widdershins idea…transferable ink!

  59. This is priceless! And as another commented, you’re an evil genius.
    …Is it bad that I actually wouldn’t mind this? I get bored sitting on the porcelain throne…

    • Mandy on November 15, 2012 at 12:43 am
    • Reply

    So I click in this article because, well the picture alobe hooked me. Then I start reading and am laughing so hard my kids are looking at me funny. I read on thru tear streaked eyes, now my 6olds &7 year olds want to see what has mommy doubled over laughing. My first thought, how to explain pads…second thought, maybe adult diapers would work too, especially if they see advertising on pads in restrooms, I almost needed one after reading about it! Love it!! Thanks for the ab workout!

  60. I’m a little late to the party, but this is hilarity at its finest. Here are a couple more ideas to mull over:
    How about Blog Rolls: Have your “buy my book” blog posts printed on rolls of Toilet paper.
    Condomercials? Hmmm… maybe not the best time to be reading ads…
    Thanks, KL! This made my day 🙂

  61. This was hilarious! I am new follower now too!

  62. I laughed harder the more I scrolled . . . til there were tears in my eyes. Had to show my husband.
    Kristen, you are too much.

  63. I’m wheezing from laughing. Padvertising FTW! 😀

  64. Ahaha! I knew this would be a good blog to follow. You’re absolutely hilarious!

  65. Oh, please, please, please make a Panty Prose video commercial. ROFL! It would be awesome! Heh heh heh

  66. Hi – larious! 🙂

  67. You had me dying with laughter, Kristen!

    Here’s a thought: I wonder if I could get in good with a fortune cookie maker and get every tenth fortune to read “You are lucky to get a FREE! sample of my book” with the requisite link.

    Also, I’ve noticed that school buses in my area are starting to advertise on the side. Since I write YA, perhaps I could spam the whole town at once with a picture of my book cover and title on the side of the big yellow bus.

  68. Brilliant Post!

  69. Bwaahahahaha. Thanks, I totally needed that.

    • maryloub on November 16, 2012 at 2:35 pm
    • Reply

    Another total waste of my time.  What is going on with you?

    ML Bagley  

  70. This was SO funny. I, too, almost needed a Depends to get through it.

    As far as missed opportunities…let’s put our advertising on bottles of booze and coffee bags – catch those readers morning AND night!

  71. Hilarious! I’ve been going about marketing and building up my writer’s platform all wrong! Panty Prose is the way to go! ^__^

    • jodenton445 on November 17, 2012 at 8:38 am
    • Reply

    Pure genius! Lol

  72. I am truly befuddled that Don Draper didn’t come up with this brilliant idea! Wonderful post!

  73. Here I was worried you were leaving out those of us who no longer have to deal with pads, but some clever individual came up with Depends advertising. Well done indeed.

  74. Kristen – holy crap! (no pun intended.) how can i NOT comment?! just awesome. so funny. bloody hilarious. (d’oh! did i say that?!) and your twist is not lost on me: vampire book on a sanipadi. good girl! happy thanksgiving, you nut. -Molly

  75. LOL I needed this. Hilarious!

  76. I needed a good laugh! Thank you.

  77. I’ve read all your books and think that they’re fantastic. I write middle grade books and the social media is heavily guarded by gatekeepers. Do you have any ideas of how to reach this group, ages eight to twelve?

    1. Ice cream/popsicle sticks — it works with jokes, right? 😉

      1. Good idea!

  78. Panty Prose, Kristen? REALLY? :-)))))) Let me know how it works.

    • wednesday on November 19, 2012 at 12:02 pm
    • Reply

    Scared now.

  79. Thanks so much for that hilarious post! Really made my day. Colleen 🙂

  80. Oh. My. Gosh. This is hilarious. You should let your insanity shine more often. 😉

  81. Foreheads are free space! We should make everyone get forehead tattoos with advertisements for our books on them!

    • Jen on November 21, 2012 at 6:08 pm
    • Reply

    What a great post and I actually think you are onto something – many a great idea born from insanity!

  82. This is amazing. I assume we have far more than 140 characters, but are graphic more expensive? Is there a bulk package? And how much for the extra-thick, large size?

  83. Bet I know where you were when you thought this one up. 😉

    Here’s another idea: have your novel printed on toilet paper. Everyone reads in the bathroom, right? Wouldn’t it be a great idea if you could read a few pages, then use them to finish up your “business.” Kind-of like the modern version of the Sears-Roebuck catalogue that used to be offered in outhouses. Plus, you’re saving trees. What’s not to like? Might be a little difficult if you want to re-read it, though. 😀

  84. Brilliant. Now all you need is to team up with folks like twitter.com/TerseTales and twitter.com/DeadEndFiction 😀

  85. Lmao. Very good

  86. Where do you think these idea’s up from, I think I need a new panty liner now!

  87. Working on getting a publication onto the toilet roll as we speak.

  88. Well, from someone too old to use those things anymore, looks like I will escape the onslaught. Ladies, let me know how it works out for you….. 🙂

  89. The worst Christmas gift was four popcorn balls in a dusty basket. When I unwrapped the cellophane around the popcorn balls they crumbled into dust. “It’s the thought that counts” saying was true when it came to this gift from my sister-in-law to my four children.

    • Paul on July 17, 2013 at 1:53 pm
    • Reply

    How about ads on jock straps that disappear when washed, setting up new space for the next ad. More revenue. Plus, most guys will see the same ad several times (ugh) before washing. Message reinforcement!

    • susanpjames on July 29, 2013 at 10:34 pm
    • Reply

    Sounds like the best marketing plug in years! Talk about a captive audience. Buzz. Buzz.

  90. How about those pieces of cardboard that are packed with guys’ new dress shirts?

  1. […] Why Settle For Your Reader’s Wallet When You Can Get Into Her PANTS by Kristen Lamb (hilarious post) […]

  2. […] Okay, any of you who regularly follow my blog know that I am totally out of my mind a bit eccentric. This past weekend I was speaking at the Idaho Book Extravaganza, and I had to excuse myself to t…  […]

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