Kristen Lamb

Author, Blogger, Social Media Jedi

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Posts Tagged: setting boundaries

Road House, nice, kind, the difference between kind and nice, victim mentality, setting boundaries, codependency, Kristen Lamb, setting boundaries with users, learning to say no, toxic people and nice

Our culture trains us to be ‘nice.’ No is a two-letter ‘four-letter word.’ Boundaries are ‘being mean.’ We should all strive to ‘understand, be flexible, and all get along.’  It’s as if there’s no middle ground between jerk and b$#@ versus someone with a healthy sense of boundaries.

Besides *chirpy voice* good deeds add up. If we’re nice to others, they’ll be nice to us! In fact the NICER we are, the better.

*gags*

The problem with this thinking is it’s utter and total bull sprinkles. It’s propaganda for the takers to groom eager givers, to keep us in line and happy to give more and more…even when its killing us.

Part of how predators (takers) maintain the grift is to fool us into believing that effort and results always have direct correlation.

What they don’t want you or me (or anyone else brave enough to confess to being a sucker) is this: The one-to-one ratio regarding effort and reward only applies in certain areas.

We’re bombarded with the notion that if we work twice as long, we can expect twice the results.

This IS true, just not universally true.

More is Not Always MORE

Road House, nice, kind, the difference between kind and nice, victim mentality, setting boundaries, codependency, Kristen Lamb, setting boundaries with users, learning to say no, toxic people and nice

Let’s use an example. Say I work twice as long and twice as hard cleaning my house. Yes, my house will be twice as clean. Say, I make a clean spot and work four times, five times, ten times longer and harder to make my house SHINE.

I organize every drawer and closet, touch up ugly dings in the floorboards with leftover paint, and scrub and polish everything in my house that doesn’t move fast enough to evade my Swiffer (I’ve never done this *whistles innocently*) then sure, my home will look AMAZING.

My results will reflect time, effort, and vigor in direct proportion to effort vested.

If, however, I work twice as hard to get people to like me, the more likely my enthusiasm will simply make others run away while mumbling words like ‘needy,’ ‘clingy,’ and ‘stalker.’

Most reasonable folks would agree that taking a shower daily is a good thing. Taking thirty showers a day? This doesn’t make me ‘cleaner,’ it makes me a classic case of OCD and prime candidate for behavioral therapy and psych meds.

But This Isn’t ME

Okay, okay I get it. Some of you are laughing at me right now. Kristen, I don’t take thirty showers a day. I’m lucky take one. I barely have time to call my friends once a month, let alone ten times a day. This just doesn’t apply to me.

Fair point, but bear with me.

See, when I focus the effort-reward correlation on ONE activity, the insanity is far easier to see. No one needs a degree in clinical psychology to discern that mowing our yard twice a day is…well, crazy.

But how many of us overcommit? We say yes to everything and everyone believing the more we DO, the better person we are. The more we are nice to others, the more OTHERS will be nice to us. More NICE expended equals more NICE returned.

Right?

An Example

So I don’t hurt any feelings, I’m going to make up an example I believe many of us ‘nice guys/gals’ can relate to.

Let’s say your boss assigns your colleague a very important task. She’s to host a dinner party for the out-of-town investors your company wants to impress. You’re stoked because you’ve been eagerly looking forward to networking with the movers and shakers in your industry.

Four days before the event, your colleague calls frantic and asks you to help. You say yes, because you’re so nice. You assume maybe she needs help making seating arrangements or folding napkins into swans.

It’s only after you agree to help that your colleague confesses she hasn’t even started.

She’s gonna get fired! Your desperate colleague is in crisis and begs for your help (while ugly-crying). She might say things like:

You’re the type of person who can handle this! Why did Mr. Boss pick me and not you? What will the investors think? How will this impact the company image? I can’t believe I messed up so badly *sobs*.

And you comfort her and agree to help because you’re so incredibly nice. Worse, you’re beyond nice (you’re pathologically nice).

Since this colleague failed to book a venue or hire caterers early enough, you know the bill for something so last-minute will be staggering. It’s fine, though. You can host at your in-law’s large home and do the cooking yourself. Then the company will see how much money you saved them and all you did to pull off—a frigging miracle—an incredible party.

Sure it sucks you had to hire a professional cleaning service to detail your in-law’s home and took three vacation days to cook a gourmet spread that catered to paleo, vegan, and vegetarian preferences (all organic and gluten-free).

But it will all pay off.

Besides, you gave your colleague the receipts so she can make sure you’ll be reimbursed.

Alas, during the dinner party, instead of networking as planned and boosting your career up a few rungs, you’re too busy in the kitchen making sure there are enough clean wine glasses.

Meanwhile, your ‘desperate’ colleague is remarkably at ease. She’s happily chatting away in her new designer dress while you hide…since you smell like a turducken had a one night stand with a Bananas Foster.

As you’re cleaning the red wine stain off your MIL’s cream carpet, you overhear your boss praising your colleague for such ingenuity. She put together a fabulous event, and did so by applying imagination, creativity, delegation and using only half the allotted budget!

*Boss gaping at the receipts she hands him*

Just as you’re contemplating whether your colleague’s body will fit in the trunk of your Honda, she comes and hugs you and tells you how you are the BEST! She couldn’t have done it without you and you’re a magician.

Funny thing, though. If you’re the magician, how is she the one who disappears when the party ends and it’s time to clean up?

Any guesses on who got the promotion?

Hint: She ain’t the one washing dishes.

We’re Called to Be KIND Not NICE

nice, kind, Road House, the difference between kind and nice, victim mentality, setting boundaries, codependency, Kristen Lamb, setting boundaries with users, learning to say no, toxic people and niceAs a writer, I’m particularly picky about words. There are far too many words used as synonyms, when they really aren’t. Kind and nice are my peeves because our culture uses them interchangeably. Yet, kind and nice are NOT the same thing. Not even close.

We’ve likely all heard Nice guys (gals) finish last. But who’s ever heard, Kind guys (gals) finish last?

Ever heard Kill em with niceness? Yeah. Me neither.

What’s the difference?

Nice people are nice. They place everyone and everything as a priority ahead of themselves. When we’re nice, we’re people-pleasers and approval addicts. We seek reward via a proxy, instead of hustling it for ourselves (I.e. Trusting the colleague to make sure credit went where credit was due).

In my made-up example, the nice gal ends up doing the dishes. If she’d been a kind gal, she would have said a loving, but firm NO the second she realized her colleague hadn’t even started planning the party.

The colleague then would either a) be fired b) learn how to make her own magic in four days or c) fallen on her sword and gone to boss and explained the help she needed so everyone received proper credit (and appropriate workload).

But, since nice people get a rep for saying yes, we end up prime targets for users. Users loooove people who can’t set boundaries, because then it’s easier to take all they want and never give back, largely because ‘nice’ people wouldn’t hear of it.

We ‘nice folks’ say dumb crap like, Oh no, it’s fine you damaged my favorite blouse, broke my weed-eater, ‘forgot’ to come help me move (even though I’ve helped you move six times), etc. I understand.

Be Nice…Until It’s Time NOT to Be Nice

The 1989 movie Road House with Patrick Swayze is a brilliant illustration of the difference between kind and nice. Swayze plays Dalton, a professional bouncer and the best in the business. Tilghman, the owner of a sleazy bar in Missouri—The Double Deuce—hires Dalton in a last ditch attempt to clean the place up.

Tilghman is desperate. Everyone is out of control—customers, servers, staff, bouncers, and bartenders. Tilghman, being a ‘nice guy,’ has been unable to rein in the chaos and terror. He’s sunk a lot of money into a place where ‘you have to sweep the eyeballs off the floor at night.’

When Dalton makes an initial visit, it’s clear what’s going so horribly wrong. There are no boundaries or consequences for bad behavior. Some bouncers are more hot-headed than the patrons they throw out the front door. Other bouncers are too timid and allow customers to walk all over them. This then escalates into brawls and a lot of broken glass and blood.

Probably the best part of the movie is when Dalton lectures the bouncers and staff about being ‘nice.’

***Warning. There is brief profanity in this clip.

Dalton understands how important it is to be kind in order to deescalate tension, allow potential troublemakers to save face, and eventually attract the right sort of clientele. A higher quality patron won’t tolerate a bar where the staff is rude and disrespectful.

Yet, in this clip, Dalton brilliantly illustrates the difference between kind and nice.

Kindness is Power

The main difference between nice and kind is nice is a byproduct of weakness, fear, uncertainty, and low self-esteem. Kindness, by contrast, is a byproduct of confidence, peace, and respect for others as well as for oneself.

A kind person sets boundaries, commands respect, and learns when and how to say no. Kind people are comfortable with consequences. While happy to loan out an air compressor, if the borrower breaks it? They buy it or pay for it to be repaired. If they don’t? They lose the privilege of borrowing anything ever again.

Users pull a fast one…once.

No-ing What You’re Worth

Road House, nice, kind, the difference between kind and nice, victim mentality, setting boundaries, codependency, Kristen Lamb, setting boundaries with users, learning to say no, toxic people and nice

It’s easy to claim we have dreams and goals. But do we? REALLY? I challenge y’all to check where exactly those dreams and goals sit on the priority list. Lemme guess, they haven’t even made the list.

STOP BEING NICE. Nice people indiscriminately say yes. Problem is, while we’re saying yes to everyone else, we’re constantly telling ourselves no.

Actually, we tell ourselves ‘later’—which is is ancient Aramaic for NEVER #TrueFactIJustMadeUp.

I get the house is a mess, but guess what? It can wait. Science has proven others can figure out how to use a vacuum, even teenagers. Send them a YouTube video, if need be. Hide the car keys in the garage and they’ll clean that sucker OUT.

It is also possible to put words on a page or in a blog…with dirty laundry present in your domicile. Dust will not negatively impact tweets and dingy whites have exhibited no measurable impact on story structure.

We are also—brace for it—under zero obligation to orchestrate/supervise so many play dates and ‘fun’ activities our kids grow up believing ‘Lido Deck’ means ‘Mom’ (or ‘Dad’) in Spanish, and that life is a never-ending Carnival Cruise.

How many of us are getting up before dawn or staying up after midnight because our dream might just inconvenience someone else? Let them be inconvenienced for a change.

So many of us creative people bend more than the karma sutra and…well, that’s perfectly okay! But, if our spouse or kids are forced to make a PBJ instead of enjoying a home-cooked meal, that’s asking too much?

No. It isn’t. So stop feeling guilty.

Feel free to spend all day or all week cleaning that house, baking cookies for the church bake sale, helping your brother-in-law write his resume (which is code for you writing his resume for FREE) and I’ll tell you what to expect. You’ll be lost, hurt, burned out, stressed, and feeling like a failure.

Why? Because none of that ‘other stuff’ endures. A finished novel remains even while clean laundry disappears faster than Tupperware lids cross-bred with men’s socks.

What Are Your Thoughts?

Finished being nice? I confess, I blog on all the stuff I struggle with. I’m a work in progress. I wondered if I might need tattoo removal to get WELCOME off my forehead. Still wonder at times.

Have you put everyone and everything ahead of your dreams and goals? This isn’t only for writers. Have you set aside going to college, getting an advanced degree, taking a vacation, buying underwear without holes because everyone seems to rank higher on the list?

Have you been conditioned to equate boundaries with being ‘mean’ or ‘selfish?’ Ever nearly killed yourself to help a friend, coworker, family member in crisis only to later realize you were completely used?

Been there more than a few times. Sigh.

Yet, I hope this post helps y’all can see you can be strong, powerful AND kind. In fact, *quick plug here* that is a HUGE part of what I’m going to be teaching in my new class Beyond Bulletproof Barbie. Making a woman bitter and mean doesn’t automatically make her stronger.

Oh, and Cait’s teaching Beyond the Princess Prodigy because chronic RBF offers no magical advantage. We can write a kick@$$ warrior with the strength to be imperfect.

Scroll down for our new classes on how to write POWERFUL FEMALES! Get the BUNDLE!

Treat yourself (at least half as well as you do others 😉 .

I love hearing from you!

What do you WIN? For the month of JUNE, for everyone who leaves a comment, I will put your name in a hat. If you comment and link back to my blog on your blog, you get your name in the hat twice. What do you win? The unvarnished truth from yours truly. I will pick a winner once a month and it will be a critique of the first 20 pages of your novel, or your query letter, or your synopsis (5 pages or less).

NEW CLASSES! ALL About the KICK@$$ FEMALES! 

Beyond the Princess Prodigy: Strong Females in Fantasy & Historical

Class starts the morning of 6/16/18 with USA Today Best-Selling Author Cait Reynolds 11:30 AM EST to 1:30 PM EST ($45)

Beyond Bullet-Proof Barbie: Strong Female Characters for a Modern World

The NEXT class starts the afternoon of 6/16/18 with ME, Kristen Lamb 2:00 PM EST to 4:00 MP EST ($45)

WANT DOUBLE THE DAME DANGER? Get the BUNDLE and SAVE!

Dangerous Dames Bundle: Pirate Princess to Bulletproof Barbie

Both Cait AND me for FOUR AND A HALF HOURS! Squeee! SAVE $15 for the alcohol you might need afterwards to…celebrate 😀 ($75)

***Recordings included with purchase to reduce chances of ODing on AWESOME.

Kristen Lamb, ghosting, relationships and ghosting, setting boundaries, self-awareness and success, psychology, how to set priorities, dealing with self-criticism, handling anxiety

Busy, busy, busy. Aside from ‘parsnip‘ I’m beginning to think my new trigger word is ‘busy.’ A couple posts ago, I took on the insidious lie about us being able to ‘find time’.

There’s this generally accepted delusion that time is something we can find. No, time isn’t lost. We are. We can’t find time, we can only make time.

I bring up this notion of finding time for good reason. We tell ourselves we’d do X, if only we could find the time. Oh, but why can’t we find the time? Because we’ve been so unbelievably…busy.

Busy is an excuse, a copout, and a socially acceptable LIE. When we claim we’re ‘too busy’ we are often lying to others, ourselves or both.

***I am not counting last Friday when all our plumbing backed up into the HOUSE. I really WAS too busy to do my edits.

Yet, most of the times we claim we’re way ‘too busy’ we really aren’t. And, before anyone gets their knickers in a twist, I do this stuff, too. I’ve simply made it a point to catch myself when I use this word.

The word ‘busy’ is a red flag I’m lying about something…something probably important.

Busy Signal

Kristen Lamb, ghosting, relationships and ghosting, setting boundaries, self-awareness and success, psychology, how to set priorities, dealing with self-criticism, handling anxiety

Remember in ancient times when people used landlines, before call-waiting? What did we do when we didn’t want to be bothered? We took the phone off the hook so anyone trying to reach us would get a ‘busy’ signal. We used this tactic to keep other people AWAY from us.

Maybe we needed a nap. Perhaps we required quiet uninterrupted time for other more important things like doing bills, studying, enjoying a date, or arguing with a ‘loved’ one 😀 .

We might have been trying to avoid facing someone or something we felt unable to handle. Bill collectors, deadbeat exes, family members with zero concept of boundaries.

Sometimes, we’d hit a limit, and simply couldn’t face life in general. We believed with some calm, quiet and rest we’d somehow rally back, find the answers, or muster the courage. More often than not, though, we wanted to hide.

Maybe just me.

If we look at all the reasons I just listed for ‘taking the phone off the hook’ this can offer incredible insight into our modern version of this evasive maneuver. The I’ve just been so BUSY feint.

We can look at ourselves and others more honestly, which is imperative if we yearn to live intentionally.

It Isn’t That Important

Kristen Lamb, ghosting, relationships and ghosting, setting boundaries, self-awareness and success, psychology, how to set priorities, dealing with self-criticism, handling anxiety

As humans, we’re always ranking what is important and what isn’t. The bugger is we do this no matter what. If we let ourselves drift along on auto-pilot, our subconscious (reptile brain) will do our ranking for us.

The problem is our subconscious mind is the part of the brain known to put our keys in the fridge or toss the banana while keeping the peel.

In a nutshell, our subconscious is a smidge flaky.

When Lizard Brain makes a list, it intends to keep us ‘safe.’ If we fail to consciously choose what matters, our lizard brains will do the choosing for us. Lizard brain is wired for survival. This means Lizard GPS is pretty much always the path of least resistance.

This is how we end up prioritizing laundry, dishes, Facebook, etc. ahead of actions that will yield real results. Then, when we’re threadbare and exhausted, all we have to say for our efforts is we’ve been…busy.

Contrast this with making a conscious ranking, and it’s easy to see why we’re so happy to hand the Lizard our keys. If we made a choice to prioritize exercise, quality family time, finishing our novel, cleaning out our garage, we’d be forced to be honest with ourselves and others.

An Example

Kristen Lamb, ghosting, relationships and ghosting, setting boundaries, self-awareness and success, psychology, how to set priorities, dealing with self-criticism, handling anxiety

Yesterday, I attended my eldest nephew’s high school graduation. I was particularly close with this nephew when he was young. Yet, over time I saw him less and less. Despite invitations, messages and calls, I can count on one hand the times I’ve seen my nephew in the past four years (because he lives an HOUR away, not down the block anymore).

His go-to line is, ‘Sorry, Tante. I’ve just been so busy.’

***Tante is German for aunt.

The truth he either is unaware of or afraid to say? I’m a teenager and my girlfriend, school, sports, fishing, etc. is way more fun than hanging out with my middle-aged aunt.

Granted, the truth hurts, but can I really blame him? Um, yeah maybe school, sports, girlfriend and being a teenager slightly higher priority and more fun than driving an hour to hang with the middle-aged auntie 😛 .

Of course, part of me wants to remind him exactly how UN-FUN playing hours of HALO with a six-year-old really was. A six-year-old who hoarded ammo and got me killed no less than fifty times an hour. NO. A hundred!

How burying stuff in the yard and drawing treasure maps for him? Sitting in triple-digit heat for his peewee soccer games?

Yeah…not fun.

But I don’t because MY priorities have nothing to do with HIS. I was older when I chose to rank quality time with a child over whatever I found fun in 2005.

If I can see past the ‘lack of time’ facade because he is ‘so busy’ then I’m not wounded when he isn’t scheduling me in. Why? It isn’t a TIME problem at all. Granted I miss him, but that doesn’t mean I have to feel slighted by him.

Though if he thinks I’m sharing my plasma grenades with him ever again? MISTAKEN 😛 .

Pretty Fictions & Pointy Truths

Kristen Lamb, ghosting, relationships and ghosting, setting boundaries, self-awareness and success, psychology, how to set priorities, dealing with self-criticism, handling anxiety
Meh, your little brother still thinks I am COOL.

Truth frees me to not take this personally. Instead of grieving ‘my nephew ignores me’ *sniff sniff*, it’s simply I’m not high on his list (likely not on it at all). This liberates me from chasing someone who doesn’t rank our relationship on the list of priorities.

***Leaves me more time to work on the younger one who always loved me MORE 😛 .

Seriously, my eldest nephew’s young and maturity hopefully will change his priorities. Make hanging out with me ‘cool’ again.

Overall, the point is that it isn’t personal.

My nephew tells me he’s busy because that’s easier, kinder, more polite than the truth. Control is not love. His priorities don’t have to be the same as mine.

Sure, I could use the guilt card (*cough* Remember HALO?) but then I’m forcing MY way. I’m juking the relational algorithm, which is known as manipulation.

FYI: Nothing good really ever comes out of manipulation.

Why families, friendships, relationships, etc. end up in drama is when we accept ‘busy’ at face value. We try harder because we cling to a lack of time being the core issue instead of the truth…we aren’t a priority.

Remember Dating?

Kristen Lamb, ghosting, relationships and ghosting, setting boundaries, self-awareness and success, psychology, how to set priorities, dealing with self-criticism, handling anxiety

How I wish I’d have understood all this when I was young. I remember going on a date, believing it went well because he said he’d call tomorrow.

Then days would pass with no call, no plans for another date. If I ran into this person, usually there was some rambling talk about so much work and blah blah blah and being busy.

It wasn’t me AT ALL, just they were BUSY. They would totally call…soon.

No, they had no intention of calling. Some were simply too chicken to say, Was real, was fun, but not real fun. Ghosting me was easier (Reptile move for sure) and ‘busy’ an easy out when forced into confrontation.

For others, ‘busy’ was a solid tactic to keep me hopeful. If the ‘busy’ hook worked, then the guy could always keep me in the wings as a backup. In case the girl he really liked said no to going out, Kristen would be waiting on that call.

As I matured and began to recognize the ‘busy’ feint, I moved on. This kept me from chasing guys who were too chicken or too selfish/greedy to be honest. I finally gained enough confidence (and wisdom) to grasp that, if a guy was really into me, he’d move heaven and earth to MAKE time.

And this is how I met my wonderful husband! Because I stopped filling my time with guys who weren’t that wild about me, I made room for the one guy who was completely crazy about me (and still is 10 years later) 😉 .

Busy is no excuse.

Yet, beyond dating, how many of us invite unnecessary pain by accepting ‘busy’? The boss who is ‘too busy’ to look at your ideas, the friend who is ‘too busy’ to call, the partner who is ‘too busy’ to help?

Deep down we know the truth (but are afraid of it) and this is why we end up defeated, wounded, anxious, neurotic, etc. If we got honest, we might change jobs, change friends, or change habits, but that’s a lot of work and kinda scary.

Okay, a LOT scary.

Willing vs. Unwilling

Kristen Lamb, ghosting, relationships and ghosting, setting boundaries, self-awareness and success, psychology, how to set priorities, dealing with self-criticism, handling anxiety

Thus far, Lizard has been making the lists. Time to take control. First of all, allowing others to use the ‘busy’ card, gives us a pass on confrontation. Our culture has made confrontation to be some horrible thing to be avoided at all costs. Confrontation has been made synonymous with fighting and anger.

Patently FALSE.

Confrontation really is a matter of willing versus unwilling.

If others are ‘too busy’ then let them be busy. Move on. If things change, and they truly value ‘whatever’ they’ll call. Yet, if they don’t, we’ve already let it go (along with all the feelings of rejection).

So far we’ve talked a lot about others. Now, what about us? When we consciously rank what is a priority and what isn’t, expect pain. We will have to choose the pain of what we want later over the thrill of what’s easy NOW.

Oh, and we’ll need to learn to invoke the NO.

Consciously choosing what is important keeps us out of the spiral of ‘I Suck.’ I don’t have six-pack abs and 12% body fat because I am unwilling to live in a gym and measure all my food. Thus, if I am UNWILLING to do these things, then I need to be okay with my relatively fit but fluffy self.

If I claim I’m WILLING to do all it takes to be a successful author (meaning actually sell books), then the ‘I’m too busy’ to write, take classes, build a platform, etc. doesn’t fly anymore.

Are You Willing?

Kristen Lamb, ghosting, relationships and ghosting, setting boundaries, self-awareness and success, psychology, how to set priorities, dealing with self-criticism, handling anxiety

My approach to building a brand and platform is not sexy, exciting and doesn’t magically sell a bazillion books overnight. I created a system that worked with what I was willing and UNWILLING to do.

I am WILLING to be patient and invest long-term building relationships. Totally willing to strengthen my writing skills (via blogging and books).

Conversely, I’m unwilling to hustle harder than an multi-level marketer crossed with a Jehovah’s Witness. I’m also unwilling to build my platform’s FOUNDATION anywhere I am not fully in control (ergo why I’m a fan of the blog and don’t trust Facebook).

I’m unwilling to automate, because I don’t like spam and am unwilling to serve it to others. I choose not to focus on promotions and ads and marketing because if it means even MORE work?

Kristen Lamb, ghosting, relationships and ghosting, setting boundaries, self-awareness and success, psychology, how to set priorities, dealing with self-criticism, handling anxiety

In life, I’m willing to be relentless, work hard, and do my best. I’m unwilling to do this at the expense of my integrity, my peace, my family and my friends.

This might mean I won’t have an immaculate home.

*heavy sigh*

But now, instead of whirling down the ‘I Suck’ spiral, I can be more at ease. I’m unwilling to give up choice writing time and make my family a neurotic mess…all to have a Good Housekeeping picture-perfect house.

I’m not lazy or a slob or not trying hard enough and I am certainly NOT too ‘busy.’ I simply have decided what I’m willing and unwilling to pursue. For me? Reading and taking more classes and writing and honing my skills is more important than having a Martha Stewart house or being a 44-year-old fitness model.

So, yoga pants covered in cat fur it is!

In the End

Kristen Lamb, ghosting, relationships and ghosting, setting boundaries, self-awareness and success, psychology, how to set priorities, dealing with self-criticism, handling anxiety
Really? Can I come out then?

Once we face the truth (or fiction) of busy, we can let go of a lot of needless baggage. Life crises aside, generally we aren’t too busy to finish the novel, have buns of steel, or a shabby-chic perfect house if we truly want those things.

We aren’t too busy to call that old friend, we’re simply unwilling to get sucked into drama. We’re now willing to see we were never too busy. We were too sad, afraid, ashamed to face this person we care about is actually toxic.

Obviously the list could go on and on. What I hope to impress on y’all is we all can fall for the ‘busy’ without asking the next question. Are we really too busy, or do we suck at saying no and setting boundaries?

Do we really WANT that promotion, new car, hot body, Pinterest-worthy home, or best-selling book?

Kristen Lamb, ghosting, relationships and ghosting, setting boundaries, self-awareness and success, psychology, how to set priorities, dealing with self-criticism, handling anxiety

If we stopped and asked the next logical questions, we might realize we don’t want what we claim we do. Not really. And that is okay.

Once we let that go, we can stop the incessant inner narrative that tells us how much we suck. When I hear myself use the ‘busy’ feint, this is a HUGE road flare to stop and evaluate.

Am I ACTUALLY too busy? Or have I let Lizard do too much driving? Am I afraid, tired, failing to set and enforce boundaries, not being honest about what I want and don’t want?

Are there people, problems, hardships I need to confront but can’t because I lack courage, will, wisdom? Am I ‘taking life off the hook’ and giving the ‘busy signal’ to buy time? Is this a warning I need more rest?

It’s okay, we’re all (mostly) human here 😉 .

Frankly, life is too short to be busy.

I don’t know about y’all but who wants THIS headstone?

‘Here Lies Kristen: She Was Busy’

What Are Your Thoughts?

Do you see ‘busy’ in a new way? Guilty of taking life off the hook to buy time so you could DEAL? *raises hand here* Have you wasted time chasing people, dreams, goals when a nice long pause might have saved a ton of grief?

Have you taken time to ask what you want and why? And do you really want it?

Does the idea of willing and unwilling help clarify? Maybe we aren’t as lazy, untalented, slow, etc. as we thought? Perhaps, when viewed through a different lens, we aren’t doing all too shabby.

Sure, my house is covered in cat fur, but my kid is fun and loving and kind!

I love hearing from you!

What do you WIN? For the month of JUNE, for everyone who leaves a comment, I will put your name in a hat. If you comment and link back to my blog on your blog, you get your name in the hat twice. What do you win? The unvarnished truth from yours truly. I will pick a winner once a month and it will be a critique of the first 20 pages of your novel, or your query letter, or your synopsis (5 pages or less).

May’s winner announced next post!

Upcoming Class

Backstory—The Yarn Behind the Book

June 8th with USA Today Best-Selling Author Cait Reynolds. We need to know our character’s past, their gols, conflicts and motivations…but don’t get crazy 😉 .

NEW CLASSES! ALL About the KICK@$$ FEMALES! 

Beyond the Princess Prodigy: Strong Females in Fantasy & Historical

Class starts the morning of 6/16/18 with USA Today Best-Selling Author Cait Reynolds 11:30 AM EST to 1:30 PM EST ($45)

Beyond Bullet-Proof Barbie: Strong Female Characters for a Modern World

The NEXT class starts the afternoon of 6/16/18 with ME, Kristen Lamb 2:00 PM EST to 4:00 MP EST ($45)

WANT DOUBLE THE DAME DANGER? Get the BUNDLE and SAVE!

Dangerous Dames Bundle: Pirate Princess to Bulletproof Barbie

Both Cait AND me for FOUR AND A HALF HOURS! Squeee! SAVE $15 for the alcohol you might need afterwards to…celebrate 😀 ($75)

***Recordings included with purchase to reduce chances of ODing on AWESOME.

Last Monday I posted a blog The Linchpin of ALL Success—Invoking the NO! and I appreciate all the comments. Today I want to address some of what to expect when we make the decision to Invoke the NO, because when we are prepared for what likely WILL happen, we:

a) Will be calmer because we anticipate any attacks.

b) Can make an action plan.

c) Are able to arm ourselves with truth, which will cut away the lies we’ll will hear (from others but also from ourselves).

Why Invoke the No?

First of all, if you missed it, hope you will check out the first post on this. But let me lay it down for you this way to make the necessity of NO very clear.

Back in a time long ago before Amazon, HBO and Netflix, humans learned piling rocks around where they lived and slept was a primo plan for keeping out predators and bad guys.

In fact (in large part due to the lack of Netflix and HBO) humans dedicated a lot of time, energy and thought into better ways to do this rock-piling-thing.

At first they called it Fred, but that didn’t evoke the emotion they wanted to convey and thus Fred became “Wall”, which sounded a tad more intimidating.

Don’t argue. It’s “history.”

Anyway, walls became a HUGE deal. Cities who had them prospered. In fact, the bigger and better the wall, the MORE respect the city garnered from those around them.

Humans who dwelled in places with no walls had a far higher fatality rate due to invaders (human and animal variety), and their life spans were roughly 50.7% lower than those who dwelled inside the protection of a wall.

Those with no wall who did NOT die, had an 89% greater chance of slavery and reported a 99% lower “life satisfaction” rating.

According to my completely fictional yet historically “accurate” statistics, a person had a 76% greater chance of being devoured alive by a lion OUTSIDE a wall compared to those dwelling inside.

Outsiders knew better than to %$# with cities with high walls. Namely because %$#ing with people with high walls involved a 123% greater chance of having boiling oil, fiery arrows and diseased animals tossed on you from above.

Thus any strategist with the IQ higher than an eggplant could see that conquest, exploitation, and general naughtiness had a far higher success rate when no wall was involved.

Thus by analyzing the historical and scientific data one can hopefully see a clear pattern.

Walls–>AWESOME

No Walls–> PAIN, SUFFERING, LION FOOD

Shall We Mention Gates?

Image via Flickr Creative Commons, courtesy of chelmsfordblue

All great walls ALSO needed gates, which was why Og (the one who first came up with plans for a Fred), was promptly fired—as in literally set ON fire—when Og left out a simple but apparently vital detail—a way to get in and out of this new thing known as the newly renamed WALL.

****Upon later review the elders decided to deal more kindly with engineers and “firing” didn’t necessarily have to involve actual fire.

While walls were awesome for keeping out invaders, predators and door-to-door salesmen they also kept out vital ingredients for staying alive, like food, fresh water, and supplies.

Thus gates became an integral and critical part of the wall…but were ALSO fortified in new and improved ways over the ages. My resources indicate the portcullis was the brainchild of one too many family get togethers gone horribly wrong #RedWedding.

What Does this WALL Stuff Mean for ME?

From the beginning of time, those who lacked a boundary were preyed upon and enslaved to the agenda of others. This has not changed.

When we fail to set boundaries (a wall) others won’t respect us and we open ourselves up to being chained to the needs, wants, desires and drama of others.

No, we might not get ripped apart by lions, but the PTA is a close enough comparison.

If we previously did NOT have a wall, then decided to build one….

Those who’ve benefitted from taking what they wanted and shackling us to their whims will NOT be happy. Expect this. If we’ve trained others to treat us like a never ending vending machine (though note vending machines are paid money), these folks are NOT going to rejoice when we cut off their unlimited supply lines into OUR resources and energy reserves.

Thus today I am tossing down the gauntlet:

We can be popular or powerful.

Invoking the NO is building a wall, but any superlative wall design also comes with a fortified gate. We can allow folks in and out at appropriate times, meaning no we don’t serve 24 hour Make You Happy Meals.

Those who respect our time, energy, and resources can come and go and get all the goodies that go with honoring boundaries. Those who refuse to get with the plan?

Boundaries Benefit Everyone

Seriously, they do! Anything worth having is generally not easy. Boundaries and Invoking the NO! are hard but the rewards are priceless. How?

#1—Boundaries prevent conflict.

Why? Because there is a clear line. Like my house has doors and a stranger wandering into my house is legitimately viewed a home invader.

If, however, I dwelled in a lawn chair sheltered by a pool umbrella in the middle of a field, a passerby would have no idea he/she was crossing a boundary. Thus, me shouting I was a victim of a home invasion would be a tough sell.

Too many of us are being worn out over drama and conflict and being pulled at, yet we’re the person dwelling in a lawn chair with a pool umbrella. Sure we want to be angry at the intruder, but we actually are at fault for failing to make the boundary clear in the first place.

Set the boundary and we save precious time, energy and resources with a simple addition of clarity. Refuse to fight battles that can easily be prevented in the first place 😉 .

#2—Boundaries help others grow (up).

When we do for others what they are able to do for themselves, we stagnate their growth and can benevolently cripple them. Our “helping” weakens the other person’s ability to grow, mature and develop their capacity to handle and triumph over life’s troubles.

And it also wears us the hell out.

And sure, maybe the “offending party” is trying to offload something they can’t do for themselves, but if we step in and do it for them, they never have to dig deep and hustle to learn on their own.

Also (if you’re anything like me) for a long time I was stepping in and “fixing stuff” that only was broken because those around me made bad decisions…and KEPT making them *growls*

If I kept intercepting, protecting them from consequences of their own poor decisions, how were they supposed to learn to make BETTER decisions?

Like maybe you (my child) should not have waited until the night before the big science project was due to start working on it. #SucksToBeYou

#3—Boundaries force us to eschew what is easy and reach for what is best.

Many of the commenters on the last post expressed guilt over Invoking the NO particularly in regards to children. As a mother myself? I totally get it!

We often do hear the:

You are writing? OMG. You’re a terrible mother for not instantly fulfilling an impromptu order for a sandwich and Goldfish!

THIS is what your kids are going to tell their future (court-appointed) therapist. THIS is why they had no choice but to abduct hitchhikers…to fashion their OWN Mommy out of body parts.

Because YOU WERE NOT THERE! #MommyDearest #TheGoldfishMadeMeDoIt #Neglect

Here’s the deal, our job as parents aside from the whole food and shelter thing, is to train up healthy well-adjusted and kind adults.

If they cannot SEE it, they cannot BE it.

If all our kids see is Mommy (or Daddy) running around like a one-legged man at an @$$-kicking contest, people pleasing to the point of exhaustion…odds are we’re training our children to grow into one of two kinds of adults—doormats or users.

Either they will have no clue how to set a boundary because they’ve never witnessed this phenomenon in practice. OR they will learn boundaries aren’t worthy of honoring and anyone trying to enforce one a) doesn’t really mean it so keep nagging or b) they are personally attacking them by not instantly catering to their needs.

***Granted this is a broad spectrum, but still. Food for thought 😉 .

If we’re demonstrating to our kids that our goals and dreams aren’t worth protecting, how will they know (practically) how to protect their goals and dreams once they are adults?

We certainly weren’t hit in the head with a self-discipline magic wand, why would they?

And also, especially with children (but also friends, family, organizations) we can show them that we are saying NO to a frittering meaningless kind of engagement. This opens more time for the meaningful and memorable YES.

Like when Spawn leaves me alone to write and I get my work finished THEN I have time to go play with him at the park and be fully present. Thus my son (hopefully) learns the benefits of delayed gratification…BY EXAMPLE.

For instance, last week Spawn wanted me to hang out and watch Ninjago, but I needed to finish two major edits (WAY less fun than watching Ninjago), but alas I put a boundary….but then the REWARD!

Dunno, I think this time with Mommy playing her workout playlist for him to swing to is probably a memory that will have greater resonance.

We have to remember that kids (and adults) often won’t pay attention to what we SAY but will almost always pay attention to what we DO. When we say what we mean and mean what we say, this builds mutual respect (remember the wall–>respect thing?). Our words mean more because we are invoking the editor’s creed: SHOW DON’T TELL.

And yes it is HARD…at first. But it gets easier with practice and if we hope to be successful in ANYTHING, we gotta nail this boundary-setting thing.

Especially writers, since too many folks seem to think we don’t have a “real job.” Well, maybe they are thinking that because of OUR actions.

If we drop everything to cater to others, that is NOT a real job.

No brain surgeon goes…”Sorry, I have to leave the O.R. My kid forgot his essay at home, so can you keep the patient stable for say an hour?”

No lawyer leaves a courtroom in the middle of a case to go pick up her mother’s dry cleaning.

Y’all get the gist.

What are your thoughts? Have you been taking the Invoke the NO! Challenge? Tell us your successes! Where you struggle. Maybe we can talk it out, war game some strategies? Do you struggle with discerning “helping” from “enabling”? I certainly do, but I am a work in progress TOO!

I LOVE HEARING FROM YOU! And I am NOT above BRIBERY!

What do you WIN? For the month of September, for everyone who leaves a comment, I will put your name in a hat. If you comment and link back to my blog on your blog, you get your name in the hat twice. What do you win? The unvarnished truth from yours truly. I will pick a winner once a month and it will be a critique of the first 20 pages of your novel, or your query letter, or your synopsis (5 pages or less).

Also in the spirit of making yourself a priority, I highly recommend you sign up for one of our upcoming classes listed below. ****Note, those who subscribe by email, the visual gallery doesn’t show, so please click through and sign up! We look forward to seeing you and serving you in class! Helping you with boundaries and working smarter, not harder 😀 .

Bad Boys. $45.00 USD. Friday, November 17, 2017. 7:00-9:00 p.m. EST. Click the image to register!

One major advantage of being older is the blessing of perspective. Us “older folk” have lived enough years to have gained decades of experiences, failures, mistakes, victories, setbacks, trials, and tests. This means we have the benefit of context. Many of us also have a clearer picture of what “success” really looks like. What is important and what’s worth our time and what is not.

Stuff we freaked out over and that was world-ending as a teen? We laugh at now when we see that same drama in our own kids or the children of others.

We may even shake out heads and think, “I wish I would have known this when I was younger.”

Of all the lessons I’ve learned, there’s one that surpasses them all—a linchpin to any kind of meaningful life, love, success, peace or prosperity. Good news is the lesson is simple. Bad news, it’s far from easy.

I challenge you to…INVOKE THE NO!

The Power of NO!!!!

Yes, invoke the NO. NO to the wrong stuff makes room for the YES for the right stuff.

Seriously, give yourself a quota of Nos. Start with 5 and work from there. No to yourself, no to others. The word NO is the key. Yeah, this song below is about pickup-lines in clubs and is cute and I bought it and work out to it and recommend it. It doesn’t specifically apply to our NO lesson, but the chorus is actually highly useful as an ear worm.

Just retool it for your specific needs.

Kristen’s version?

My name is…NO.

My sign is…NO.

My email is…NO.

My best day to bake cookies is…NO.

I gotta let you go. My answer still is no.

Setting Boundaries Using the NO

I could and probably will write a whole book on this one day but trust me when I tell you it is impossible to enjoy any kind of success, meaning, joy, peace or prosperity unless we become masters at setting firm boundaries, which again means invoking the NO.

TIME is a treasure, the most valuable possession we have.

Every minute a gold coin, every hour a jewel, every week a necklace, every year a crown. We are given this treasure at birth (though we never are aware of the treasure’s actual size). We take time for granted, thus too often fail to guard it with the NO. We give into the easy “yes” which steals our treasure one coin, one jewel at a time.

Then we are clueless as to why we are emotionally bankrupt and have nothing to show for all this work. Truth is there is a HUGE difference between being busy and being productive and that difference is two letters long.

N-O.

We Can’t Have It All

Why is saying NO so tough? Because, we are flawed humans who have a tendency to get greedy (including me). We don’t want to believe we really cannot have it all.

Blunt truth time…

“Having it all” is a marketing LIE used to sell us stuff we won’t use, don’t need, can’t afford and frequently cannot even FIND. “Having it ALL” is a tactic to rook us into spending time instead of investing time 😉 .

INVOKE THE NO!

Anyone who tells us we can say “yes” to everything is a) a fool or b) playing us for the fool. Yet part of growing and learning and maturing is we too often DO fall for the delusion we can have it all and this makes us, for lack of a better word…a dumb@$$.

This dumb@$$ery is usually most visibly witnessed January 2nd of every year.

Even I’ve had stupid ideas/life plans like:

I’m going to have a bikini body, build up the home business into a multi-billion-dollar franchise, have an immaculate home, an organic vegetable garden, romantic getaways with Hubby, write ten novels, bake gluten-free nut-free vegan paleo cookies for Spawn’s school bake sale, and volunteer rescuing homeless baby pygmy goats, which I will then crochet onesies for—obviously made from yarn I will spin myself.

*hair flip*

Imagine my shock when, at the gym, I realized Spin Class had all these bicycles that were only producing pain and sadness…and NOT yarn for my pygmy goat onesies.

Boundaries INCREASE FOCUS—Use Your NO Lens

NO is a lens that focuses energy and amplifies our actions. By the power of NO, we accomplish more with less. When we say no to all but that which is a priority, our energy transforms from diffused white light to a laser that can cut through diamonds.

We’re working smarter, not harder.

Boundaries on OURSELVES

Again NO.

Earlier I said the secret to everything is boundaries. It IS simple. If I set a priority (finished novel) I must then place boundaries around that priority starting with myself by invoking the NO.

Two hours on Instagram watching makeup tutorials….NO.

Binging on HBO series….NO.

Joining in on FB drama…NO.

Volunteering to beta read everyone who asks me…NO.

Boundaries set in place by the Power of NO makes the right YESes easier to spot and harness.

Dedicate two hours working on novel…YES.

Boundaries on OTHERS—N to the No to the No, No, No

Actually takers never WILL.

Placing boundaries on others (family, friends, social media pals, kids, etc.) is the really tough part that requires probably even more training (especially for women who are taught to be “nice”).

Train your NO.

Invoking the NO has power, and the more we use it the stronger it gets.

In many females, our NO is a withered, forgotten muscle. At first when we invoke the NO, it will be painful, uncomfortable and weird. But that’s temporary. It will pass (perhaps like a kidney stone but it will pass).

If we have friends or family who never remember our number until they need money or help moving or free therapy or a place they can unload all their toxic waste (drama) on us?

NO.

Learn to ignore the call (or block the number/unfriend).

When I’m working (writing), I put my phone in Airplane Mode so no one can call or text me. There is the added benefit of silencing the siren’s song of FB pings that could distract me.

I invoke the NO using my Settings. My iPhone is strong so I don’t need to be 😀 .

We also—wait for it—do NOT need to constantly check emails. There’s no law that states we must instantly reply to all messages. We merely must respond in a reasonable amount of time because it is polite.

Anyone who gets pissy because they don’t get “instant” response can get over it. They want instant, they can buy some Sanka.

We have no Make You Happy Meals for sale. So…N to the No to the NO, NO, NO!

Yes, today I have my Sassy Pants on, but I really wish I would’ve understood this simple yet vital lesson in my 20s or 30s or even…four weeks ago.

I love helping and serving and nurturing but there’s only so much of ME (or YOU) to go around. When we focus on US by invoking the NO, we get stronger, and when we are stronger we serve better.

We have more energy, more resources (I.e. great books sales), and more discernment. YES is not always a good thing. If that person who feels the need to vent all over you suddenly can’t reach you to get all the answers spoon fed to them?

Then maybe they will have to grow up, suck it up buttercup and FIGURE IT OUT like adults DO. No is just as good for others as it is for us.

Many emerging writers want to complete NaNoWriMo. My advice? INVOKE THE NO. Want to trim down, lose some fluff? INVOKE THE NO. Want stronger finances, to be debt-free? INVOKE THE NO. Want to finish a novel? INVOKE THE NO.

Y’all get the gist 😉 .

BRING ME NOs! I WANT THEIR HEADS!

What are your thoughts? Do you struggle with invoking the NO? I’m getting better but, until very recently, I’d failed to make NO a deliberate plan and strategy. I’d failed to see I needed to make it stronger.

Which is why I am now paying my STUPID TAX honoring commitments I didn’t say no to but should have.

Like I tell my son:

When the mind is stupid, the body suffers.

Applies to me, too. Sigh. Anyway…

Do you have a hard time saying no to Facebook? Family? School bake sales? Making your kid a sandwich instead of letting him/her figure it out? No to the BIG CLEARANCE SALE? Are you getting better at saying no? What have you said NO to that you are super proud about? Share your victory and inspire us!

Do you think you could invoke the no 5 times a day? Ready to take the INVOKE THE NO CHALLENGE?

Are you an older person who now has wisdom you wish you’d have had when you were young? What do you wish you would have learned earlier in life? Share your stories OH WISE ONES!

I LOVE HEARING FROM YOU! And I am NOT above BRIBERY!

What do you WIN? For the month of September, for everyone who leaves a comment, I will put your name in a hat. If you comment and link back to my blog on your blog, you get your name in the hat twice. What do you win? The unvarnished truth from yours truly. I will pick a winner once a month and it will be a critique of the first 20 pages of your novel, or your query letter, or your synopsis (5 pages or less).

We are in the process of moving classes around due to the two MONSTER hurricanes so a fresh class list will be available next post. You can also dash over to W.A.N.A. International to check out what’s coming up and get your spot!

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Yesterday I reposted an old blog addressing how I feel PC and EC (Emotional Correctness) has gone more than a little crazy and often has done more to alienate people than to bind them. The thread had some really wonderful and thoughtful commentary. Not everyone wholly agreed on everything but everyone seemed to strive to be thoughtful and kind. THANK YOU, btw.

But some of the commentary about aggression and hurt feelings got me thinking about how we have become as a culture. Are we becoming too sheltered? Is it doing more harm than good?

Bear with me a moment.

I LOVE air conditioning. I live in Texas, so in the summer, I probably love AC more than my husband. I also love Costco, because….

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I really like being able to drive everywhere instead of walking or saddling up a horse. Indoor plumbing? Huge fan. But often I wonder how soft these conveniences have made me (since I think about a possible zombie apocalypse more than is probably healthy).

If life as I knew it imploded tomorrow, how would I fare? With no power, no Internet, no running water? With no AC and it is 110 degrees and 90% humidity? Since I don’t have to swing an ax daily for fuel if I want to eat? I have writer hands. How will those fare?

Not well.

The hard truth is we don’t grow without being uncomfortable. We don’t get tough without friction. And I wonder if this being comfortable has permeated too much of our lives, down to our “feelings.” I have to say after working well over a decade with other writers, the single biggest hurdle we have to overcome is our feelings.

We must get rhino skin.

Let Me Illustrate

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There was once an interesting experiment. In the middle of the desert, scientists constructed a bio-dome. Inside, life would be a “perfect” world where it was always an ambient 76 degrees.

The trees would get all the sun they needed, all the water, all the nutrients. There were no storms, no pests, no diseases, and no overcrowding, and no weeds. Surely, with these perfect conditions the trees would thrive, right?

WRONG.

Eventually the scientists noticed that the trees in the bio-dome grew slower and were smaller than trees in the “real” world. They also never grew above a certain height. They had very shallow root systems. Overall, they looked…unhealthy.

How could this be?

Since they were scientists they did what scientists do. They went back over the data. What had gone wrong? They’d given the trees all they needed to thrive…or had they?

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Eventually, they realized that in the hard cruel world, trees weren’t all evenly spaced for enough room, so they had to grow taller to compete for sun. Since water wasn’t delivered daily and there were even periods of drought, the trees were forced to grow deeper roots. Deeper roots could reach the water table. Deeper roots clung on when winds were high.

Speaking of high winds. Storms broke off weaker branches, forced the trees to get tougher bark, to increase the diameter of branches. Pests and diseases? The unprotected trees survived them and became resistant to them. Weeds? They had to learn to successfully compete or coexist.

What does this say about us?

We NEED Push-Back to Grow

I do weight training and sadly, the pink one-pound dumbbells are pretty much useless for anything that doesn’t involve me breaking a pinky toe. In order to get stronger, I need resistance. Resistance causes pain.

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Yesterday was leg day, which means I am likely going to have a pronounced hobble that will pass…just in time for the next leg day. But I do this because it makes me lean and strong and healthy 🙂 .

I know that my body must endure resistance to become stronger and faster, but truthfully? So do my feelings.

Now, please understand. I believe we should always be respectful and as a species it is just good for everyone if we are not acting like a bunch of insensitive asshats. Manners are what separates us from animals.

And proper grammar 😛 .

But at the same time? Not everyone got the “nice” memo and if we go around creating a holodeck where no one ever disagrees or makes us feel uncomfortable or criticizes, we are ill-prepared for reality.

Getting our feelings hurt can actually be quite useful if channeled properly. I loved how the children’s movie Inside Out addressed how our culture has gone cray-cray about never feeling sad. Sadness has a very useful purpose. It is human and necessary.

Same with hurt feelings.

Believe it or not? Dealing with obnoxious people is GREAT training in mental toughness. 

But, there are some added benefits, which we will explore.

Hurt Feelings Signal Areas of Weakness

Years ago, if someone said something that hurt or angered me, I got super defensive. I had a million reasons to justify or excuse whatever I’d done or written and….

Drama, drama, drama.

Now? Not as much. If something really stings? Really angers me? I am old enough to have learned that often that is because there might be some truth to what the other person is saying. Not always, but I do at least now stop to explore WHY it made me feel the way I did.

This is especially important for being a writer. I have met a number of folks who were excellent writers, but who came absolutely unhinged if I didn’t tell them their writing was the best thing since kitten videos. Since they couldn’t ever get over the hurt feelings, they couldn’t learn.

What might at first be perceived as a “hater” could be my next greatest teacher.

Hurt Feelings Build Discernment

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People have a right to their opinion, but guess what?

People have a right to be wrong.

When we exercise we can tell the difference between “good” pain and “bad” pain. Some folks don’t want to work out at all because they don’t want ANY pain. That isn’t healthy. But working out and ignoring ALL pain is just dumb and a good way to end up injured.

Same with emotions.

When we put ourselves out there in a book or a blog or a conversation? The world often will answer back. Over time we have to learn not to take every single opinion to heart. Some people are just plain wrong.

If we brood too much over one thoughtless review? That is a formula to OD on brownie batter and quit.

Hurt Feelings Can Propel Greatness

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I imagine most of you didn’t get a parade from friends and family when you decided to become a writer. For years I was an approval addict. If I mentioned wanting to be a writer, the second someone made a face, I changed my mind.

That was…DUMB. And a huge reason I didn’t become a writer far sooner.

I had to learn to harness those hurt feelings to propel me forward. What once made me quit, now makes me work harder and longer.

Action speaks louder than words, and those naysayers often can be the very fuel that keeps us pressing.

The guy from church who laughed at me wanting to become a writer? Who told me I had a better chance of being hit by lightning than making a living as an author? Let’s just say proving him wrong has been most satisfying :D. Also, I think his nasty comments did more to fuel me through the dark nights of my soul than all my cheerleaders.

I no longer let people like him dictate my choices. Instead, I was grateful because he finally showed me the sickness of my approval addiction. I learned that I didn’t need 100% consensus to do something great.

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In the end, storms SUCK. None of us like pain or drought or suffering or struggle, but it is part of life and the more we embrace it for what it can give us? The better off we are. Sheltering ourselves all the time, while comfortable for the moment, might not be the best long-term plan.

Though I am not giving up my AC.

Or Costco.

Or driving.

Oh stop judging me. I’ll worry about it after the apocalypse :P.

What are your thoughts? We talked about think skin yesterday. Have you ever been guilty? I know I have. My writing would have improved far earlier had I been doing far less defending and a lot more listening.  Have your haters fueled you more than your cheerleaders? Yeah, terrible to admit but it is human nature.

Have you ever tried to work with someone but dancing around their feelings just made them too exhausting to be around? Have you gotten better about listening to your feelings in regards to weeding out toxic people? Have toxic people taught you some priceless lessons?

Do you think social media has become dangerous especially for younger generations? That people are creating an imaginary reality that leaves them ill-prepared for the outside world?

I love hearing from you!

To prove it and show my love, for the month of JUNE, everyone who leaves a comment I will put your name in a hat. If you comment and link back to my blog on your blog, you get your name in the hat twice. What do you win? The unvarnished truth from yours truly. I will pick a winner once a month and it will be a critique of the first 20 pages of your novel, or your query letter, or your synopsis (5 pages or less).

May’s winner is Alex Schuler. Please send your 5000 word Word document double spaced to kristen at wana intl.com. And CONGRATULATIONS!

Upcoming Classes

All W.A.N.A. classes are on-line and all you need is an internet connection. Recordings are included in the class price.

Again, I am trying something new and offering an open and interactive workshop. Is your first page strong enough to withstand the fire?

Battle of the First Pages

June 16th, 7-9 EST. Cost $25

This is an interactive experience similar to a gong show. We will upload the first page and I will “gong” when I would have stopped reading and explain why. We will explore what each writer has done right or even wrong or how the page could be better. This workshop is two hours long and limited seats available so get your spot as soon as you can!

So You Want to Write a Novel 

June 17th, 7-9 EST. Cost is $35

Just because we made As in high school or college English does not instantly qualify us to be great novelists. Writing a work that can span anywhere from 60,000 to 120,000+ words requires training. This class is for the person who is either considering writing a novel or who has written a novel(s) and is struggling.

We will cover the essentials of genre, plot, character, dialogue and prose. This class will provide you with the tools necessary to write lean and clean and keep revisions to a minimum.

Character & Plotting (NEW CLASS!)

June 24th, 2015 7:00-9:00 P.M. EST. Cost is $35

All great plots are birthed from character. The core plot problem should be the crucible that eventually reveals a hero in Act III. This means that characterization and plot are inextricably linked. Weak plot, weak character. Blasé character, blasé plot.

This class will teach you how to create dimensional characters and then how to plot from inner demons and flaws. Get inside the heads and hearts of your characters in a way that drives and tightens dramatic tension.

This is an excellent class for anyone who wants to learn how to plot faster and to add layers to their characters.

For those who need help building a platform and keeping it SIMPLE, pick up a copy of my latest social media/branding book Rise of the Machines—Human Authors in a Digital World on AMAZON, iBooks, or Nook